Player Comments on These Shackled Souls

Spoiler-free review

Large, widely branching storygames are probably a more interesting concept to most potential readers, but there is a kind of magic to a game that instead of creating three, four, or seven stories that share a common starting point opts to focus on a single story, and then pours everything it has into that story. These Shackled Souls is that kind of game, and while it falls just barely shy of perfect, it definitely made me want to wish for it to be.

The premise alone is quite interesting in its apparent complexity: A genie tasked with collecting a thousand souls through granting wishes so that she can reclaim her long lost freedom faces a challenge in the form of her final wishbearer, a roguish prince as well as son and potential heir of a Sultan. It’s a rather intricate setup for a political drama full of schemes, and hidden motives that unfolds alongside interpersonal drama between the protagonists, and yes it is indeed a story featuring dual protagonists, but instead of being stuck in the pre-selected point of view of one of them the game constantly switches between the two, letting the reader experience the full story in a single playthrough using both characters. This does have an unfortunate side effect of making us essentially omniscient for most of the game, and therefore it can’t really build towards any grand reveals later on in the story, instead opting to sprinkle a few smaller, more immediate twists throughout.

This thankfully is a relatively small (and ultimately subjective) thing that gets lost amidst the game’s biggest strengths which are… pretty much everything. The overall narrative is tight, worldbuilding is excellent in its depth and seamlessness, but it’s the characters that are definitely the strongest aspect. Despite a seemingly large cast everyone feels developed and consistent thanks to receiving plenty of screentime in accordance with their importance to the story. Especially the two protagonists, who possess an impressive amount of depth that’s only bolstered by the various masks they put on throughout the story and the solid narration that manages to seamlessly morph depending on whose perspective do we follow, giving them both a unique voice that pairs well with the dialogue.

Dialogue itself is not far behind as a close second in terms of quality. Between the witty banter, intricate lies, and more heartfelt confessions it manages to weave together as the story goes on there is genuinely nothing I can complain about in those regards. Not even the seeming lack of branching, as instead of an oversight limiting the immediate impact on the story was a deliberate decision, but at the same time the interactive aspect is very much present, just in the form of false choices, and choices with delayed consequences. There are a few places where a wrong decision might lead to a very short separate branch or ending, but they’re an added bonus rather than an important part of the game.

I do somewhat wish that I could keep going about the various positives like the surprisingly poetic symmetry between the protagonists, or how great the story is at showing instead of telling both through what is openly depicted and what is left for the reader to find between the lines, but sooner or later I do need to address why at the bottom of this review you won’t find an 8/8. Unfortunately no lamp appeared in front of me as I was stalling for time so here we go.

There is no single big thing that reduced my final score for the game, but rather it was the compilation of a few small things. A minor plothole here, a bigger but on its own easy to excuse one there, a coding issue reducing the effect of one delayed choice, then an oversight making a different choice pointless. It was by no means death by a thousand cuts, but even a few nicks like that can take away from something that gave the reader such high hopes for it. Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if most of those issues end up unnoticed by people, in fact I do wish upon any future readers that this story game will enchant them enough that they will indeed miss those ultimately small things. It didn’t quite manage that for me, but I hate myself for that more than I do it.

It might seem like a strange thing to say, but These Shackled Souls doesn’t feel like a CYS storygame in a sense that it doesn’t quite follow the expansively branching framework most games on the site use. Instead it opts for a much more linear layout that allows it to put a lot of care into mastercrafting a tight, profound story that makes full use of its word count. It might not be like other games, but it is still a definitive recommendation from me and so far the best thing I read on the site.

Final Score: 7/8

Spoiler Alert: This has them.

Mystic probably deserves a top score just for her video, which was brilliant and beautiful, and the story is very cleverly made as well with an interesting premise and a cool map. This genie is a bit broodier than the Robin Williams one and the writing is brilliant, visceral and hooks the reader’s attention very quickly. I like the fact that even the color options in the choices were different colors. I also like the way Bly gives a guy the Midas touch then messes with his head by pretending it’s a mirage. It soon becomes apparent Bly is not a good genie, having made a sort of Mephistopheles type deal with a devil-like figure with a cynical outlook and a strict contract for Bly.

I liked the shifting perspectives and Zasper has a particularly spunky personality that makes him fun to read, even if he’s got a bit of a chip on his shoulder about being born unwanted. I like the challenge the Sultan gives him of trying to charm a princess while trying not to get murdered by his brothers. The discovery for the lamp scene is well-written and the twist from the lamp being a good thing in the Aladdin stories to turning into an object even more sinister than The Monkey’s Paw is a good one. The line “Humans don’t respond well when a gust of wind speaks to them”, is both fun and true.

The biblical quote cards are a nice touch in adding to the atmosphere of the story. Zasper’s cleverness is admirable despite his villainy in a way that reminded me of Tommy Shelby from Peaky Blinders but I do think I correctly guessed his weak spot is his sense of belonging. The occasionally non-linear structure compliments the shifting perspectives well and adds depth to the story. The sibling rivalries were authentic and when Zeyan sabotaged Zasper’s garden party it felt like shit just got personal. :D

The wish negotiations are fun and Zasper gets his make-way-for-Prince-Ali type entrance. The Sultan and Sultaness talking about expansion and conquest while sipping tea felt very British. It’s nice to see that Opaline has spirit too and there is an amusing typo on The Grand Entrance page where “Wishbearer” is abbreviated to “wishbear” (which sounds cuter). After a little “Not the Bees!” moment I decided to make use of the fact that Zasper is a like a walking, talking Grimms’ Fairy Tales compendium and charm the Princess with a story – he’s a bit like a male Shahrazad (which may be where the idea for this aspect of his character came from).

I find I start to like Bly more as she admires the beauty of the world rather than just trapping the souls of innocents for eternity to free herself (it reminds me of when Jack Sparrow has to harvest 100 souls for Davy Jones). Bly and Zasper’s bickering started to remind me of an old married couple at the garden party, though the mistrust is still (justifiably) there. After the reference to A Whole New World I really hoped Zasper would start belting it out but alas. I don’t know if it was wise to bring up the Tale of Icarus while on a magic carpet ride but it didn’t seem to spook Opaline (er, Bly). It’s a nice twist that Bly is impersonating Opaline and a good thing the disguise didn’t slip: if Jasmine had suddenly turned into Robin Williams, I think Aladdin would have freaked out, crashed the magic carpet and possibly killed Abu.

Bly and Zasper’s conversation on their flight is very well-written with great subtlety and the changes / revelations in their characters, like growing cracks in a shell, continue to add depth and make the characters even more interesting. The genienapping was a bit unexpected but the entry of the thief and his monkey into the story was a great development. I initially thought the writer had made an error in the name of the character at the top of one page but it turned out to be another great plot twist and a reminder that Zasper is better at disguising himself than Tom Cruise with a Mission Impossible mask. I didn’t even know he had a monkey. It’s a great twist in that instead of Aladdin being a thief impersonating a prince that Mystic has the clever originality to completely reverse it.

The scene where Bly goes crazy to save the boy from being roasted was exciting and it’s interesting to see that while the genies are hunting souls the humans are doing something similar in return. I don’t agree that it is better to be shackled than shattered though. Zaspar turns out to be a bit of an adrenalin junkie with kleptomaniac tendencies and Bly’s execution scene is brilliantly written, it must have been horrible being executed in Medieval times, especially for all those poor women burned alive for made-up witchcraft. This story is a great reminder that all it takes for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing.

In a way Bly blames humans in the same way Frankenstein blames his maker, though personally I feel the Vesperi was more to blame with the conditions he laid on her new existence. The conversation that follows the revelations between Bly and Zasper is a good reminder than honesty is the most important foundation of a good relationship, especially when Zasper opens up about his insecurities, which is usually a sign that either the boy is very interested in the girl or he is very drunk. When people truly understand each other, I think serious conflict becomes impossible and this story is a good example of that. I also like the idea that the ability to love is an integral part of being human. Perhaps, even if Bly loses her freedom by failing to take Zasper’s soul, she might regain her humanity?

I don’t think I’m very well suited to the role Bly has been cast into and I’m more interested in her getting her humanity back than earning her freedom, like an escaped murderer, and I also want to help Zasper be his best self so all my choices were based on those two goals. It’s embarrassing that Zeyan, of all people, turns out to have better eyesight than Bly. This unexpected Sherlock Holmes of the deserts also busts Bly which ends in her being used as an archery target butt. The near-death scene was powerfully written.

I reckon that Zasper needs a girlfriend more than a kingdom so I sent him on his white knight quest, which is suitably action-packed and exciting. Bly’s point that death can be a kind of freedom is a great one and I like that sometimes other people can see what is so oblivious to people like Bly and it takes Opaline to help her realize it (hate and love are both similarly passionate emotions). I like that Bly and Zasper save each other (note to self: remind significant other that if a Sultan ever tries to drown me in a lagoon she should intervene).

The line “may the wind dust the sands from your feet and may the stars never lead you astray” is such a great one I want to use it now in lieu of “goodbye” in day-to-day interactions (like leaving a shop). The Vesperi is such a party-pooper but from the start I felt confident Zasper and Bly could take him. Top marks to Bly for negotiation skills, I thought something like love triumphing over evil was about to go down but Mystic is sufficiently imaginative to avoid this cliche and use cold hard reasoning to (temporarily) win the Vesperi over. I’m not sure why Opaline is galloping around everywhere on a camel but, apparently, she can be quite nippy when she wants to be.

Just when a happy ending seems imminent there’s another great twist and things get exciting again. It’s a shame a ghoul ripped up the guy I commandeered a scimitar from just as we were starting to get on. The whole family seemed rather casual about Zasper being back from the dead. It seems a bit harsh to blast his new girlfriend in the face with a cannonball so I prevented Zasper from making a bad impression on Bly (in both senses of the word). I also like the way that five minutes after becoming Sultan he’s already well on his way to permanently ending an age-old conflict. That’s what I call effective leadership.

It’s a really satisfying ending that everyone teams up to bring down the big bad. Personally, I think putting Zeyan in charge of the army is a bit like asking for military assistance from the French but hey ho. The Sultaness is such a pain I think Bly should atomize her. Funnily enough trapping the Vesperi to free Bly never even occurred to me as an alternative to rescuing her from her situation. I like a free holiday as much as anyone but freeing the souls seemed more important. The ending is nice and a good counter-balance to all the misdeeds Bly performed before the story.

The Author’s Notes were interesting and I like the way the false identities were used as platforms for revelations. I didn’t realize Mystic was a secret contestant in the writing contest. It was also interesting to learn about the religious influences (there seems to be a surprising large number of people with religious motivations on this site!) and, finally the mood-boards are fun and very beautiful. This was a very nice way to end such a fantastically well-written story!

So, to summarize and try not to make a long review too much longer. There were a very small number of minor SPAG errors in places but it didn’t affect the overall story. At the beginning both characters seemed pretty unlikeable (though Zasper was admirable for his cleverness) but as the story revealed their depths both became extremely likeable as it becomes apparent their personality flaws were largely due to the horrible experiences both went through. This was such an enjoyable read that I repeatedly lost track of time reading it!

Once I realized this was based on Aladdin (which, cause I’m not always the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, took me a little while) I was worried it would be a grimdark version of those Disney live-action remakes. Instead, though there are elements of grimness, it was a wonderful and optimistic story about the power of love as a healing force, both individually and within warring societies. Mystic cleverly subverts the reader’s expectations in that what we thought was the main love story wasn’t and what we thought was a mutual hatred radically and realistically altered.

I would have liked an Iago tie-in somewhere but I think all the characters were brilliantly rendered and portrayed. The dialogue crackled with more twists, turns and occasionally brilliant humor that most other stories I’ve come across and the number of surprises and steady increase in depth worked brilliantly (the story branching was good too). To conclude this very long review this was a fantastic story, a worthy winner of End’s reading competition, and one of the best stories on this site. I think anyone who enjoys a good and original tale beautifully told should read this, 8/8.

Okay, this is now my joint favourite in the contest (I have yet to read Fluxion's entry, so there's still room to have three favourites).

I really enjoyed this storygame, if that wasn't obvious by it being my favourite alongside As Ink. Somewhere, I have a well-worn copy of a book of the Arabian Nights, and Aladdin is, of course, one of my favourite stories from it...as well as enjoying the original Disney version of Aladdin. And while this storygame did deviate from the original story of Aladdin, I did very much enjoy it...both on its own merits and as coming from one of my favourite Arabian Nights stories.

I will say that I'm not a big fan of two different first person viewpoints. This is probably more of a personal choice and didn't really detract from my enjoyment of the storygame, but I did keep being thrown when I didn't look at the top to check which character I was following along for the ride.

I really liked both Bly'therra and Zasper as characters, although I didn't really like Zasper at first; mostly because I had an issue with him ensuring two guards were imprisoned just for doing their jobs. However, his use of telling a story as a distraction was more charming than I'd anticipated, and as the storygame went on and I learned more about him, it was easy to start liking him. Of course, if I'd made other choices, I might have ended up disliking him by the end of the storygame.

Bly'therra was easier to connect to as a character. Her desire for freedom was something I could empathise with, and I could understand why she was so willing to capture people's souls. However, I was extremely sad when I learned the background of the pink soul right at the beginning. As much as I could understand Bly'therra's feelings...the fate of the little girl made me very upset.

I really liked the interactions between Bly'therra and Zasper when they were both disguised. Part of that was, of course, because of the nod to Aladdin, but I also felt that the two of them let their guards down around each other when they were disguised...ironic, considering they were hiding who they truly were.

I really liked the buildup of this storygame to the final war between the humans and the night-creatures. I thought you did a really good job of showing that neither side was truly good or truly evil, even if there were individuals who could fall on either side of that coin. And the Sultan was someone I had very mixed feelings about. On the one hand, he was far from a good man, considering how he treated many of his subjects. On the other hand, he did have some good points...especially about a leader needing to be prepared for war, but hope for peace.

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this storygame. It was really well-written, with a lot of thought and work put into it. I enjoyed getting to know the characters and exploring the world, and it's definitely another world I'd like to revisit some time in the future.

The imagery is phenomenal, both literally and metaphorically. Great job at painting scenes and characters to be as “real” as they were. The thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc of all the characters, even the minor ones were spot on. Descriptive enough to feel like you were truly watching the characters on display, but not so much so that the plot became distant or muddled.
Interesting take having Bible verses be the transition pages between scenes/parts. Really helped set the mood as we transitioned to the next setting. Also, provided a bit of foreshadowing.
Not a fan of the multiple references to Aladdin. I found them to be cheesy and distracting, as they pulled me away from the story. The story was extremely well written, and could stand on its own without the crutch of a Disney film. An actual, audible “oh gross” was released when the “let your heart decide” line was read. It continued to get worse as more traits from Aladdin were revealed- introducing a thief named Ali and his pet monkey, Abu, a magic carpet ride, etc. I know the description states its a retelling of Aladdin, but I believe you write well enough to do more deviation than what was presented. You could have changed the magic carpet/carpet ride to another magical experience. Also, you could have changed Ali and Abu to different people and animals, as well as have them portray a different position other than a thief. You also could have scratched the idea of Aladdin completely, because again, the story stood strong enough on its own without the Aladdin details.
Overall- very well written, loved all the details and build up to the next scene, but could have done without all the Disney

OVERALL
This is some of the most immersive and dramatic storytelling on the site. Maybe I'm a little biased due to my childish/feminine love of a good romance, but I absolutely adored this story. Would highly recommend it to absolutely everyone.

Spoilers beyond this. Duh.

**********************************************************
CHARACTERS
Bly’therra: Distinctly human, but broken. So tragically broken. I felt for her and grieved for her. The descriptions of her being burnt alive as a child are so chilling, and it’s hard not to root for a happy end for this poor, poor girl.

Zasper: Witty, likeable, and yet detestable at times. A truly rounded character. The two are mirrors of each other and play off of each other well.

The Sultan: A man who loves his kingdom, his daughter, and nothing else. The picture of a greedy and corrupted leader, but he never becomes a caricature.

Zeyan: The only trait I could see in him was being a braggart. To be fair, though, that might be all there is to him. Some people are woefully shallow.

The other brothers: All unique in their own special, side-character-y way.

There was an obvious focus on the characterization of our two narrators, and sometimes they blurred into each other a little. But overall, I think this section was done very well.

**********************************************************
BRANCHING
I feel as though you originally planned to allow me to choose between creating a mirage of the princess or bringing her there myself, but cut that off. Perhaps it would be better to cut the bit where the genie is weighing both options if I don’t get to actually make the choice.

I really don’t think there’s enough of a buildup to convince me to go to the dining hall. It literally tells me there’s a trap there, so she KNOWS, and proceeds with no caution.

Most of the branching I found is more of the “this link makes you die, and this link does not” variety. Sometimes it did feel a little like I was being railroaded onto one “true” path and “true” ending, and my choices were of little consequence.

I chose to eliminate the two brothers whose names start with F at the beginning, and yet it’s the twins who come to torment me and say I abandoned them to die.

**********************************************************
PLOT
It pulls you in from the start, for sure.
I love the unique concept here. You also outline the stakes really well for both POVs.
Ohhhh, the genie took on the form of the princess. That’s smart. I must’ve missed something that said that, maybe? Or perhaps I really was meant to put it together myself.

I honestly forgot to be taking notes during this. I got very wrapped up in the story; it felt less like I was reading a free thing online with an author I can communicate my thoughts to and more like I was reading a real book. This is so indescribably high-quality.

The plot is enthralling. I felt genuinely upset at the characters’ failures, and the fact that both of them disguised themselves and lied to each other and fell for each version of the other was such a wonderful choice. I have no words, Mystic. This reminds me why I love your writing so incredibly much.

Yeah, bit too much of a jump between “Defying Death” and the “Vesperi of the Illusions” epilogue for me. Even just a page showing everyone react to that choice, and my subsequent ascension, would seal it for me.

I appreciate how at the end, both have to choose to follow their hearts and not chase what they THOUGHT they wanted.

I would like to be able to continue one person’s story after the other dies, in maybe even just one branch.
**********************************************************
WRITING STYLE
Speaking of loving your writing. Wow. Your style is so dramatic and serious, and it flows so nicely. There are moments of humor, but the overall feel is… regal, is the word that comes to mind. A couple of times (particularly during a couple of the humorous bits) the word choice seemed to not fit in with the rest of the story, but it hardly broke immersion. I have no real complaints here.

At first I was a little thrown off by the little jumps in time after some of the choices, but altogether it had a cool effect.

Also I loved the choice to split this between two protagonists. The POV shifts were handled flawlessly and really added to the narrative as opposed to feeling like a gimmick.

**********************************************************
SPAG
On “the vesperi of the storm”, paragraph 31, you use the word ‘demeanors’ incorrectly. You may mean ‘misdemeanors’
On “the emerald green elixir”, paragraph 11, “attention starved” should be hyphenated
On the same page, four paragraphs down, “bright-red” should not be
On “show of magic”, paragraph 27, it should be “because HE doesn’t try to stop me”
“The Vizier”, paragraph 13. Should be “I cannot TELL him this”
“The Grand Entrance”, paragraph 17. Missing the L in ‘Sultaness’
Also, ‘Sultaness’ is spelled with only one ‘n’
“Thief in the Night”, 25th paragraph after the page break. Extra space after “Bly’therra”
>If I am caught, I would never be able to become the next Sultan.
“Secrets & Lies”, third paragraph from the end. Should either be “if I was caught” or “I will never”. I’d go with the latter. Can’t change tense mid-sentence!
“The Traitorous Thief”, third paragraph to the end. The line has an extra space before the first quote.
>“If that is the truth, the life of the Sultaness and her heir are in danger.”
Same page, last line. Should be “lives”

There’s a noticeable gap in plot between “The Traitorous Thief” and “The Rescue”

“A Candid Confession”, ninth paragraph up. You say “Sultanness” with two n’s again. You write it correctly sometimes, and incorrectly others. It’s said both ways throughout the story.
> Save him, true freedom means standing up for what you believe in, no matter the consequence
The link on “Defying Death”. Should be two sentences.
“Defying Death”, eighth paragraph down. There shouldn’t be a comma after “through the air”, as the next clause is a dependent clause directly connected to the independent clause before it.

**********************************************************
OTHER

> Stealing is fun. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.
Lol. I like this line.
> He rolls his eyes in a very unprincely manner.
And this one.

Oh, a direct quote from Aladdin. I wasn’t expecting that.

I rather enjoy the strange parallels between this and Aladdin.

> But thoughts are not grains of sand. They cannot be scattered by a storm.
Absolute perfection

>Some people say it is best to never meet your heroes. Now, I see why that is true.
This line, with its placement, hits home hard. The page break, the drama right before, the sudden slowing of the pace… it couldn’t be better.

“Any last words?” is kinda overused, and I’ve seen it in two separate scenarios, from two separate characters, in this story. A cliché can work once. Not twice

>But if not, may the winds dust the sand from your feet and may the stars never lead you astray.
Wow, that is beautifully poetic.

The drowning is so like the scene where Aladdin drowns in… well, Aladdin. But it’s also so satisfyingly different. Soothing to the soul :)

>How can you tell someone that you’ve just realised—despite your better judgement, all common sense, and every thread of your nature—you are in love with them?
The delaying of the final clause here is masterfully done.

>Also, thank you to my 'secret keeper' for helping me keep my identity a secret, especially when I nearly gave it away in the middle of the contest.
:)

**********************************************************
conclusion.
I loved it. Kudos, Mystic, really. This is one of the most polished and novel-esque stories on the site. Sure, there are small problems, but there are more than enough amazing and awe-inspiring moments and executions to make up for those. 8/8

This was one of the best storygames I've read here. Excellent relationship development, and excellent world building.

The things I didn't like:
Why oh why did you have to sneak in the Disney lyric lol. Although I'm a hypocrite, because I did that in my dick-joked story Slay the Dragon. But it was just a bit of a fourth wall break. Some people like that stuff, so I'm not judging.

The only other complaint I had is the ending feels like it came together a beat to cleanly and too quickly.


But other than those minor complaints, this was just an amazing story. You did a phenomenal job from start to finish. There are things here you rarely see, such as the breathing room for characters to develop, authentic relationships, and sorrow that is shown as much as told (usually it's just tell tell tell).

Best of all was your world creation and re-imagining of the Aladdin myth. This was so well done.

This one is definitely worth the read, and it's a shame people are being scared away by the length at this point. I suspect some people might say it's a bit linear, but ten out of ten times I want a good story rather than a bazillion choices, and that is exactly what you delivered here: A really, really good story.

OMG I love this game. So far I have only made it through once but I will certainly come back for more. I read the first few pages from most of the storygames that were submitted to this contest and there were so many good ones. Though, this is the story that I got immediately hooked on.

The writing is very light with short paragraphs that make reading a bliss and fit the playful tone perfectly. I wish for more stories in this style. In some places a dialogue tag would have helped me, but it was fine.

The two protagonists worked very well, and I can see how the first person helped to make it fly--clever choice. The tension created by the back and fourth was great. And really enjoyed the pacing which led to nice progression and eventual escalation.

The only complaint I could possibly come up with is that at times it felt westernized. The incorporation of Christian elements and western myths, as well as some word choice (when the guards du their 'job', not their duty, or when the sultan 'takes his turban off' rather than unwinding it) I felt a little bit like I was reading the Disney version, rather than an Arabic tale. This is probably a singular view and most readers will probably don't even notice it, so better ignore me.

In summary this is a fantastic tale. I will come back to it and read more and probably think about it even longer--but now I must go back into my lamp.

The storytelling in this is IMMACULATE. I was entranced by the concept and honestly im just obsessed.

Once more, I regret procrastination. A fantastic game, and a fantastic story. This truly, for me, is nearly on par with Shadow Of A God-King. It's now in my top five favorite stories I've read on the site.