Player Comments on A City Lost

I'll start with the negative. You mentioned immediately that this game would be unpolished and that makes a lot of the stumbles a bit more understandable. Even still, it has been a few months and you can take the storygame down for editing and making everything flow a lot smoother- there is definitely a good story here behind all the rushed plot! For example, I really enjoyed how you wove the world building into reasonable dialogue instead of an info dump that would let maybe half of the important information stick throughout reading. While sometimes being bland, the conversations are the heart of this story and I feel that is something that should be more of a focus. The only other "issues" I had was I got a very abrupt ending, which may be just because I only play one path through these stories for the review, but it did leave me a bit unsatisfied. The articulation in my particular ending, which I will mention later, was a tad bit confusing but I understood what you were getting at. It'll just take some workshopping for that! Also, if the other endings are just as abrupt, I would assume this is the first entry in a series but that doesn't appear to be the case. Maybe it should be, though...

Which leads me to the positives! I mentioned this a bit in the previous paragraph but the world feels extremely fleshed out even if it isn't fully realized/explored. I feel like the storylines you developed here could create a multi-storygame plotline that would keep people invested. Other than that, the heisting feel in the path I went down was actually kinda fun. Makes me believe that a good fantasy heist storygame would be super intriguing! (Spoilers ahead) Planning on getting the data and breaking Ryder out was interesting even if it didn't work out for me. The usage of magic in this game was also really cool, given how the metal arm as the focus of this artificer's skill set and how he had to use it sparingly/creatively to utilize it in full. Really good use of the infusion idea when it comes to artificers.

Now, for reference, I got the Tortuous Existence ending which was definitely one of the worst. I'm just happy that there are bad endings, given how a lot of games just send you back to the start or don't count death (among other things) proper endings. All in all, I did enjoy this story and am looking forward to reading more from you, Ace!

I think the aspect that elevated what I'm interpreting as the theme of this story, is that you cannot have everything that you once. If you want certain things, you have to sacrifice something else of equal importance.

Well if I elaborate it would spoil quite a few of the endings that are available here. My only qualms there is that it feels like one path is on the cusp of really taking off, but then it ends. Fine, I'll spoil one. Like when you're amassing an army, ready to take on those who wronged you. That certainly would have been a fun story path to see fleshed out.

Slight issues with formatting and grammar, that I'm probably guilty with my own contest entry, but they were present. However, the story was pretty concise for the most part.

Certain aspects of the world are explained, but never overtly. Keeps a bit of an air of mystery.

Something I think this story would have benefited from was providing a bit more time to settle some emotional attachment to the characters that would ask us to risk life and limb for them? But this can also be a stylistic choice, like we're dropping in on the life of someone already existing in their world in which they're on the fringes of society, against tyrannical order that prohibits people from doing certain things.

The story that's here is not actually that long, but it does feel like there's just a large world full of lore that wants to be explored. Although, I would never want to try and force a writer in any way to pick up their pen (or keyboard) if the story is one that is complete to them.

And with some of the endings that you can achieve, I think I'm content with the main character and his friends no longer having to suffer as much.

Overall, this was a nice read.

Well, I always keep my promises. And seeing as you declined the ultimate reward of the blowey joey, I'll review your story instead. For all that's worth.

Since my life is entirely negative, I'll start off with the negatives as well, so I can end on a positive note.

To start off with the usual suspects, the work has a couple of typos here and there. On one page you even call a character by an entirely different name (Ava -> Ana). Seeing as this was probably rushed out, I won't hold it too much against you, but better time management in the future could help with another round of proofreading.

Furthermore, probably due to similar reasons, the story is pretty short. It has a fair amount of different endings despite that, but they all come after a mere two or three choices. The speed with which I became the hand of the king was, quite frankly, just too fast.
For some stories, being short is a positive, so they don't overstay their welcome. In this one, I wanted a lot more. So I guess if the complaint is that it's too short, that's also a positive in a way.

However, BECAUSE it's so short, the magic system used is left almost completely unexplained. It was kinda interesting figuring it out bit by bit as the story went, but I read through all the paths and I cannot tell the difference between an enhancer and an enforcer, apart from the obvious. The artificer stands out a bit more I guess, but he's also the main character, so that's to be expected. The alchemist mentioned in one of the endings also intrigues me. Was that a dropped plot point?

The laws of the country you were in also weren't explained too much. Why exactly is magic so dangerous? Can anybody do it? Is there a license for it?

Finally, and perhaps the most confusing thing about the magic system was the whole "absorbing other's powers" thing. Do you absorb all of it? Does it have diminishing returns? Seems like it would be very dangerous living in the world, as everybody would want you dead constantly, to steal your powers. And an evil overlord would rise up pretty fast, being invincible. I guess that's supposed to be the king in this story, but how the hell do you kill him then? I guess this specific part won't be too important for many others, as I'm probably overthinking it but I'm nothing if not autistic about magic systems being extremely detailed and thought out. Soft magic systems can suck it.

To be just a tiny bit more negative, I'm not sure the "artificer" in the story is exactly the type of artificer your prompt required you to write about. I was figuring it would be more of a "guy summons swords or whatever weapons to fight enemies", kinda like Emiya Shirou. Or hell, this could have gone in a completely pacifist direction too. Kinda like the blacksmith games on the forum, where nobody actually smiths anything, just produces shit out of thin air.
I'm not the contest judge, and am rating this without taking that into consideration. So that's neither here nor there.

As I said, I went through all the paths, and I'm glad I went the "do not help" path first. Killing a random enforcer meant a lot more when I went the other path and realized it was my sister. I feel if I had swapped them around, it would have felt contrived. I love those stories that reveal important stuff about the story/lore in the other paths. That's also the case in my story too (shameless self promotion).

If the story were longer, I imagine you could have fit more of those "reveals" in. And it would have been awesome. Perhaps your brother actually turns out to be the king, or something?

Honestly I know you're not the most respected site member, so I was expecting a catastrophe. But I was very pleasantly surprised. I actually enjoyed the game a decent amount. Despite the fact I listed many more negatives, my final rating is a 6/8. Good job, Ace.

- - Quick Review - -
This story seemed to well live up to the prompt, though the author still put in a lot of great creativity into this storygame. In my opinion this is a great example of what prompts are good for— sparking an idea in the author’s mind or them to grow into a unique, bright flame of a story. Anyway, as a storygame in general I would recommend it, especially if you’re into role magic, vengeance, and/or power quests.

SPOILERS BEYOND THIS POINT. IF YOU LIKE SPOILERS… YOU ARE SCUM

- - Highlights - -
This story was very complete, just as the author said. In my opinion none of the endings felt rushed, and no matter the path the plot ran its course steadily.

Speaking of paths, there were very different endings the reader could find, making it a fun challenge to see how good of an ending they can achieve. My favorite one was the Oblivion epilogue (probably an unpopular opinion) because I appreciated how the mc was just like “well, there is no reason to live if I lose my city” so he just uses his orb to blow up himself and the royal enforcer; I can admire the self-sacrifice to defeat one’s enemy. The ending that shares the story’s namesake was also good though, probably ranking as my second favorite.

The author does provide characterization for the main character. Throughout the story he is developed as an ambitious, skilled, revenge-driven, power-hungry (not just in terms of rule), guarded, and generally angry a lot of the time. He’s a resilient fighter who’s had to adapt a lot over the course of his life.

Also I appreciate that even in the branch where the mc remains with Ava it’s clear that that’s not a romantic thing. Not that I’m some love hater or anything, it would just feel forced and I like that the author didn’t take the opportunity to force that. Respect.

The different conflicts there are to run into are exciting. From running from guards in the blacksite dungeon, to fighting with or against a royal enforcer, the action is definitely one of the best parts of this story.

Another thing I enjoyed was the little descriptive pieces throughout the story. I love sensory imagery with little details like how the mc had been to cities with shit and piss in the streets that didn’t smell as bad as the chemically sewer.

The worldbuilding in this story was pretty solid. There was good background on the governing, the state of the world, and the powers possible.

Speaking of powers possible, the element of magic in this story was really well-done and fun. While it slightly drew from the way magic is in other stories/movies/games/etc, it still had several unique elements and was presented in a fitting and exciting way.

- - A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, however a story can be greater than its worst flaws - -
The main problem I really had with this story is that what is here was so good I just would’ve liked more of it all. More character development, more richly detailed conflict, more setting descriptions, more worldbuilding, more choices. It felt like the author knew all these good things to put into a story but then didn’t give nearly enough of any of them. It’s like if I ordered 50 of five kinds of donut (fifty maple, fifty cake, etc) and then the bakery gave me fifty total donuts with only ten of each kind. Don’t ask me why I chose donuts.

I wish there was an ending where the mc knew his sister was a royal enforcer and then met up with her! The knowledge of who she is and meeting the royal enforcer come separately, and I really really wish there was at least one ending with both.

The other flaws that really stuck out were the issues with SPAG. There were several instances of missing punctuation, wrong words (such as “weather” instead of whether), misused words, and grammatical errors. I’ll explain a few that stuck out to me on the first page. First off, “destroy” is not the right word to describe what drains do to water; I would suggest if you want to make it sound fancier than them draining the water that they “evacuate the water”. Also I don’t know if you were going for like the D&D role of artificer type thing but “Artificer” does not need capitalized unless I am mistaken and in this story specifically it is meant to be this way. The other thing I noticed on that first page was that “placate” is not the right word to describe what Ava is trying to do for the mc by drinking the water since he was not hostile or angry; I recommend replacing it with “please” or “satisfy”.

Please do note that I am far from an English professional and I often make mistakes so if I am mistaken with any of my advice here I sincerely apologize.

- - Final Thoughts - -
All in all, this is a solid storygame. The story is fun to follow, and the choices there are to make do help make it a fun read. While the writing itself isn’t too eloquent or polished (as the author pointed out in the author’s note), the story itself is good and worth reading. This storygame is nicely done, especially for a contest entry, so I congratulate MrAce for putting out a good storygame.

Vengeance epilogue

I failed wound up a tortured prisoner but it was interesting.

Good

I realize I did not rate this the last time I read it, and considering that you gave me a good and honest review, I might as well give you one. *small spoilers ahead*

I will start by saying that I really enjoyed every bit of this. Every choice truly affects what happens so that there are no pointless links. There were no significant typos that I can recall. The character and world were completely fleshed out and interesting. I fully felt invested the whole time. I do think some things could have been better. I could not find a way to both figure out my sister was a king's enforcer and tell her we are siblings, though that could have just been me.

It wasn't the worst story out there and I had some fun with it.

This was fairly well written with a few small grammar errors and spelling mistakes but nothing serious to detract from the plot. There was a fair amount of effort and detail put into this and I particularly liked that my torture at the end got a philosophical bent with me losing my sense of individual identity. Overall I enjoyed it, 6/8.

The world building is quick and sufficient, as is characterization. The narrative is perfectly engaging, giving the reader a grasp of motivations and potential consequences.

In the future I would recommend the reader utilize more sensory language, and further master their use of language.
Some description was awkward, unclear, or simply lacking.

This shows promise, though not mastery, and whenever the guy I'm supposed to be afraid of isn't describing something as a "mega attack" I'm quite content with the authors developing use of dialogue.

This feels like act one of a three act play. Two of the epilogues I found, neither of which were positive ends, seemed like they should be compelling enough kicking off points for a greater adventure. These epilogues should have been prelogues! For example ~ your eventual escape from torture... Thanks quite entirely to a third party, you roam the country side, alone and fearful. Driven mad, you discover who you have become, haunted by memories of who you once were.

Certainly take this as a compliment. It means that I want to read more in your world, so keep practicing!

Also I forgot to mention in my last review:

Dude, don't you know your audience? How the fuck did you miss an opportunity to make a route where you bang your own sister in the confusion? I'm willing to bet you'd get rated on average at least half a point higher if you added that in.