Player Comments on Betarune

Probably the most interesting thing in this story was the epilogue (I got the "Diary" version). Of course, the twist was pretty easily guessable after this bit: "Not only her words; but her patient smile, long dark purple hair, and her exotic accent." Impeccable description of how she talks. I knew precisely what accent it was. LOL kidding. But I did figure it out shortly after, when learning about russians being involved.

Now, as for the plot/setting: I've seen comments about the writing style, but to me, the weakest area in this story is what appears to be an amalgamation of little to no research and insanely plot-convenient implausibility. As others have mentioned, three is just no way any kind of law enforcement would utilize such (lack of) tactics. Additionally, dialogue, emotion, and character actions show this same level of contrived, plot-convenient guidance to their actions, words, and thoughts. In the next story, I hope the author reworks this.

Interestingly, the author does have a few unique words and sometimes does a decent job at least informing the reader of the setting (cold air conditioner, ambient sounds, etc.).

Anyway, upon reaching the end of this story, I got the impression that perhaps the author themselves was a russian spy, paying a role, tricking us all. English as a second language would fit well. But then the implausibility of tactics. Perhaps it is all a ruse?


Overall, I'd say this is NOT the worst thing I've read. There are a couple of things that are positives. But plausibility is a HUGE thing for me, and it seems the author did not put in the necessary research and care to keep the story realistic.

The reason I avoid spoiling storygames in my reviews is that I don’t want to take anything away from, but instead try to help a potential reader checking out comments to decide if the game is worth their time. This time around however, I will end up spoiling parts of the game below. That’s because this isn’t a review meant to help you figure out whether Betarune is a good game. The answer to that question is a resounding “No”, but this doesn’t mean it holds no value to anyone interested in writing. Instead this is an autopsy explaining why this game is a perfect collection of examples on what NOT to do when writing your own story as it combines everything that could be done wrong into a single eldritch horror of a story that’s physically painful to read.

So please put on your apron and gloves before continuing further, and try to ignore the smell. It’s just the corpses of pacing, dialogue, character work, tone, consistency, logic, grammar and structure decomposing after the author went to town with a hatchet on each of them.

To start with something somewhat positive I can thankfully say that from the very first page the game is very transparent about its quality, or lack thereof. Opening with a short prologue taking place a decade earlier we’re immediately struck in the gut with a skeleton of a paragraph that reads more like a shopping than an introduction. Before the reader manages to recover from the initial strike there’s another attack in the form of dialogue. This one is a quick one-two combo to the jaw followed by a kick to the back of the knee as it combines an extremely unnatural way of speaking with a topic that makes no sense in context. One of the agents uses his mind-reading ability to figure out his friend is thinking about family and ask him about it. This prompts a robotic dump of information about the agent’s son. The awkwardness of this whole thing is only amplified by the pointlessness of introducing the fact Agent Jones is the protagonist's father when it will inevitably be repeated multiple times in chapter one meaning the reader suffered it for nothing.

Stunned with the initial assault, our victim is left defenseless as the abuse continues. Our heroes reach their destination and after declaring their own mental ineptitude by ignoring every single bit of protocol one would expect from federal agents and just walk into gang controlled territory without much care about being outnumbered ten/twenty to one. They don’t secure the premises, make any arrests or even ask the patrons to leave, but instead start their search. Or rather would start it if not for the fact the inevitable happens and they get assaulted themselves. This entire event transpires in the span of literally ten seconds as it goes from zero to hundred with literally no buildup. I’m somewhat on the fence whether the pacing has been butchered by the author, or instead committed suicide before the story even started and was never alive in the first place and what we’re seeing here is just the result of desecrating a corpse. There is absolutely no attempt at building tension, no sudden shifts in the air as the agents walk into the bar, no murmurs and sideways glances, no bad feelings. Just an immediate transition into chaos.

Is the action sequence at least fun? I’m not sure because I blinked and it was over. I vaguely remember the gangsters wielding knives and bricks against the FBI’s assault rifles, but that made more sense once it was revealed that they also had She-Hulk on their team, who promptly ripped apart a kevlar vest with her bare hands, because that was a more effective way to create an opening for her knife than slipping it in from below or under the armpit. It also must’ve been a very special knife laced with some kind of magical poison because the doctors “tried all they could, but nothing works on him.”

Death is imminent, both for Agent Jones and our poor reader, but first a final act of idiocy must be performed as with his final breath our heroic moron asks his friend Agent Tim to “train his boy”. Not take care of the 9-year old and make sure he grows up to be an upstanding young man, but specifically train him in the art of FBI-fu. No need to worry about the possibility of this traumatic event making him (or his mother or that matter) wary of joining the agency, because that would present a possibility of creating character depth down the line and that shit just ain’t cool or manly or something.

I could in the same way dissect the rest of the game, but even though we didn’t yet get into the proper story I think a point has been made. Every single page is like that and there’s only more problems as the game goes on. The core premise is broken since you actually fail basic training, but still get sent on a mission. A big confrontation with the antagonist can be summed up as two toddlers going “I arrest you!”, “No, you don’t!”, “Yes, I do!”, “Nuh-uh!”, “Yuh-uh!”. Your mentor dies when you run away because you were not agent material, but you still get recruited by the evil man and then told to go spy on that mentor as if he didn’t get killed five pages ago. Organized criminals actively and openly trying to kill federal officers in public places with so much zeal they fire rocket launchers in closed rooms.

There’s no characters anywhere to be found, only glue-sniffing idiots with names like Agent Tim who despite being a seasoned agent walks around like a cosplayer and gets into crayon eating competitions with every gangster he can like he’s got a death wish, or our protagonist’s hopefully adoptive mother because I dread the idea that a biological parent can care this little about her child. Compared to those two specimens named cardboard cutouts like agent afro whose name I can’t even recall looks downright impressive simply because beyond being present in a few scenes she doesn’t do anything and therefore gets no opportunity to wreck anything.

Structure and branching wise the game is at its best, but only because the bar it needs to clear for that title is currently crushing Stalin’s balls in Hell. There’s quite a few choices along the way, but in reality they all end with a “you died” screen or funnel the reader into the same place with two endings that don’t work for most of what happened before this. One of those involves arresting the “ mysterious mastermind” and becoming an FBI agent as a result while the other is a half baked fever dream that makes no sense in context or even on its own. There is one more epilogue you can get as a result of a single specific branch (with its own twists and turns that can only cause a concussion from facepalming). Perhaps the only two things that the reader can be confident in is that all paths they take will make no sense when looked at as a whole, and that they will all lead to Putin (no I will not elaborate on this).

Grammar and SPAG might actually be the biggest victims in this war crime against literature. Sentences make no sense to the point where the subject of a sentence changes halfway through its course and typos infest almost every paragraph longer than a line and a half, which is actually less than half of all the paragraphs, not that this is a good thing. If the lack of descriptions or pacing wasn’t enough to make it impossible to follow what’s going on, the painful grammar ensures it. There is also another matter that comparatively might not be that much of an issue, but it is nonetheless worth addressing in case I’m the only person who actually read 100% of this game and therefore is aware of this, but this game lies to you by claiming it’s a 6/8 in terms of length.

Its word count of 26,000 is the result of cheating on the author’s part. There are multiple instances of the game page with a sentence or two change to (poorly) smooth out the transition as the game bottlenecks you into chapter 3 as well as a ton of choices made solely for padding that don’t add any content or value to the story. During one “fight scene” we’re presented with five options, four of which lead to the same outcome, but only after padding out the word count. Even those choices that seem to result in diametrically different outcomes actually don't go beyond adding a page or two of nonsense and confusion. You can go straight to jail for first degree murder, but then you get bailed out because of reasons and still can get the good ending where you join the FBI. Same if you abandon your comrades and get them killed as a result. The real amount of content is probably closer to a 5 or even 4/8 game.

To render a final diagnosis Betarune is unfortunately terminal. It is in fact so horrendously, incomprehensibly bad that it does indeed work as a meme game, and therefore I wouldn’t go as far as claiming it has no place on the site. Would I recommend it to anyone? Hell no, not even to my greatest enemy, but at the same time I cannot deny that while every single part of it is rotten to the core, the sum of those parts does create a fascinating and to those with an acquired taste enjoyable cocktail. Just be careful not to overdose on it.

Final Score: 2/8

I would have read more branches of this storygame, but...if I'm honest, I found it really difficult to read even what I did. Unfortunately, there were so many tense shifts and switching between second and third person, it completely distracted me from the actual plot of the storygame.

The entire first page works as a prologue for the rest of the storygame, which is a great idea if done well. However, I cannot get past the fact that a trained FBI agent was felled by...a rock, of all things. It puts me in mind of that saying, 'Never bring a knife to a gunfight.'

I felt that this storygame could have benefitted from a lot of research, or even just watching one of the many CSI television series that are probably still showing reruns of old television episodes. I mean, writing this, I have seen that the stoygame is in the category of fan fiction...but I don't know what it's supposed to be a fan fiction of.

Putting a trainee who hasn't even passed his initial training on a case is a completely rookie move...pun absolutely intended. Part of me does wonder if this is meant to be satire, but for me at least, it was hard to read with all of the errors.

The characters were all pretty one-dimensional too. I knew who Lord Solomon was because...well, who else would it be? Well, I suppose the third FBI agent who randomly appears could have been her, but she seemed to just disappear in the path that I did follow. To be honest, one day after reading this, the only characters whose names I remember are Daniel and Yuri.

The diary entries shown after the ending I reached could have really been used to expand the world and the storygame a lot more. And actually, the diary entries seemed to be better written than the rest of the storygame, which was a bit disappointing to see, given how difficult the rest was to read. (Maybe it is meant to be satire...?)

I'm also fairly sure the FBI doesn't need a warrant to actually arrest someone if they have probable cause to believe that person is responsible for a crime.

On the whole...this storygame really could have been longer, with more development of both the characters and the plot. I couldn't really get into the world properly, and I didn't care about any of the characters, due to being so irritated with all of the errors in the writing. A proofreader was definitely needed.

If this storygame is updated at all in the future, I'd be interested in revisiting it, as I do enjoy mystery/thriller stories. And if it had been an easier read and more developed, I would have given it higher than a four.

I like the intro, “stoop down to the pit of frustration” sounds like something that would be fun to do. It’s good to know I have a pocket knife as a back-up in case my rifle doesn’t work, I can imagine that would come in really handy when bad guys are shooting at me with automatic weapons. I love the whole “We’re here to investigate a drugs cartel”, “there are no drug cartels here” exchange (are you sure? Have you checked all the rooms and cupboards?). What nutter is going to attack me with a brick when I have a rifle? Who is armed with rocks in a house? Is there a quarry in the basement? The fight on the first page could do with being rewritten to make sense.

Screw the doctor who told me my death is imminent, that’s hardly going to motivate me to pull through is it? Note, I swear Yuri is a girl’s name? What is drip, is this young people slang? When I hang out with a girlfriend let me tell you Will11 does not spend his time sitting on a sofa reading a book! Why does the FBI come to my girlfriend’s house and not mine? I’m glad the agent reminded me that I’m my father’s son, there’s another identity crisis averted. Is learning to stunt drive an important part of FBI training?

I love how I fail all the tests and then they’re like “we’re going to put you in a mission anyway and see if you die or not”. Why on earth has someone been spying on me and how does the FBI know that but not know who it is? The Miller Gang has been around for 150 years? They must have some really old members, maybe the FBI should do something about them at some point. “You damn Putinist” is a great insult and one I definitely wouldn’t risk saying to a Russian in real-life.

I’m not going to turn down the chance to gun down a random bar-load of people but the descriptions of the gunfights are weak. “All six who engaged against you in the gunfight are now lying dead on the floor” could be so much better written. Who takes a rocket launcher with them when they go to a bar for a drink? I love how the logical solution to take him down is to run up and stab him rather than shoot him from afar. That makes all the sense in the world.

I quite liked this story, even though it was pretty unrealistic. The layout, characters, story etc are ok and there weren’t too many SPAG errors. It’s just very unrealistic though, clearly a young person’s idea of what the FBI are, what they do and apparently heavily influenced by cartoons or b-movies. I’d prefer it more authentic, more moving, more immersive. It was a bit linear in places as well but for a first effort it wasn’t too bad. I’d give this a 4/8.

This story seemed very rushed. Events are stated in a quickfire, bare-bones fashion. It reads more like a statement of facts and plot points rather than a story, and I feel as if you had written it as a list of bullet points it wouldn't have changed the story at all. Sequences of events in the story are often illogical, especially the opening gunfight.

The way it's described, it sounds like an unrelated gunshot went off somewhere in the building and the gangsters took that as a signal to attack the FBI agents. Why are there only 3 of them there, anyway? You'd think the FBI would know better than to send only 3 people to carry out a drug related search warrant. Also, they're carrying pocket knives with their rifles? Not a sidearm? Hell, even a flashlight would make more sense.

Anyway going back to the gunfight. Jones 'pulls out his rifle'? Wasn't it already in his hands? It doesn't make sense for Jones to be knocked down and stabbed, rather than shot by the gun-wielding people surrounding him. Shooting him would be much faster than hitting him in the head with a rock, pulling off his vest and then stabbing him in the chest (all whilst avoiding the head or neck or any other exposed part of his body for some reason).

What are his colleagues doing as this is happening? After Agent Tim shouts into his radio, neither of them are mentioned until after Jones dies. I don't get a sense of what kind of character either is at any point in the story. Agent Tim is supposed to be the sort of fatherly mentor figure to the player I suppose?

Another issue is the various grammar errors dotted throughout. For example, on the page 'Yuri's House', the first line reads 'You can't help but have butterflies in his stomach while he drives to Yuri's house.'. It should be 'You can't help but have butterflies in your stomach while you drive to Yuri's house.' Spanish should have a capital S.

A quick game about FBI agents ... doing stuff. For a quick blast it is actually fun. Parts of the game are quite funny (though not always intentionally). It is worth giving it a shot, particulalry because it is short enough that it stops before it becomes annoying.

I never quite got the feeling that we are investigating anything. The game starts with an As-you-know-Bob dialog then goes straight into a bit of melodrama. Bit cringy but ok. Then we get the choice which gang we would like to investigate (there was no real immersion to break at this point so that was fine) Then you go somewhere have situations happen to you, and you get some links to click. What your choices do feels a bit random, but hey, you have a back button. Have fun.

If I could chose one thing to improve in this game it would be sentence structure---presently it has the same smooth flow as riding a bicycle over cobblestones. (Gower has a very useful help page on this.)

So there are definitely some issues here, but honestly I adore this. Probably not entirely for the reasons the author intended to be fair, but it has that real Mercer Gang energy in a much longer and more substantial story. All the sincerity of the author is there (and very appreciated since it wouldn't work otherwise) but because of youth or what have you there is some strange logic to the way this universe works that for whatever reason just tickles me in exactly the right way.

I should try to give this a proper review soon since some real work was put into it. I'll have to delve into it further as well to see if anything major changed since it was last published a couple of months ago.

An interesting work, if only for how clunky of a story it is. While there are stretches of linearity, the choices you are offered are meaningful and the surprise ending was a nice touch. While it is not completely free of SPAG issues, compared to the Alpharune it is much improved.

On the downside, this story is unrealistic and clunky. I have not played through all of the routes, but I can only assume that they are similar to the one I did complete. There are many signs that the author did not do enough research on FBI (and other agency) procedure and terminology ('search permit', how they enter the supposed cartel den, who reports to whom, etc.) to sell the idea that these agents are really FBI. The combat scenes are also unrealistic and many characters have obvious plot armor to allow things to move forward.

There are several lines in here that are hilarious in their presentation or incongruity. Some of the ones that really made me laugh:

"You're not supposed to be in here!" "this... is sus"

"I promised that I would train his son. And that's you, Daniel."

"I wonder how my wife and son are." "Your son Daniel?" "Yes"

A framed picture of you and your father is framed on the wall.

A couple reading War and Peace together as a romantic date night.

and my personal favorite (slight spoiler): "Wow. I never expect the two of you to take down my firing squad so easily. But if you think you can outpower me, the President of Russia, I still have the juice."

The author does the admirable job of missing irritatingly bad and hitting funny bad. Do not read this expecting great literature or deep character development. Do read this for pure goofy enjoyment.