Player Comments on City of Fire

What I would criticise with this is being thrown in the deep-end with very little background explanation, without an early mention of a war we'd have no idea that the disturbance in the troops was due to attacking demons. Why were they attacking us? Who was us? Can I do magic? All these things need to be fleshed out.
Having said that I liked this story, it was true fantasy and promising. If you write something about five times longer and put in those romantic subplots you mentioned I think it could be a really good story but as Bucky mentioned you need to re-read to watch for grammar mistakes :)

This was clearly an attempt at a short engaging story, however, it was extremely short and linear.

Try setting the background more and giving other options for progression, I went back through as it really is a case of "This way or death" followed by the good ending being death?

LUDICROUSLY LINEAR!!!
One branch leads you to the "good" ending, the rest end in a "Game Over".
I have NO idea about who I am, what this world is, my kingdom or really about anything.

This feels like a plan for a storygame that you did and then published accidentally. You need to rework this, establish the world, the reader's character and what's going on.

It seems like you had a cool idea of "Unstoppable demon invasion" and then you just jumped straight into it, without any world building or character development. Hell, the only characters I know are Emperor/King whatshisface and Troy. And as much as I love bossing Troy around, I just DON'T CARE about ANYONE!

I know my character has always dreamed of this moment, but I don't know why or for how long! How old am I anyway? Early twenties? Late forties?

You need to rework this story and its flow, have a begging, middle, and end and make sure you do some world building! Do that, and I can see this really great premise driving on a great story game!

P.S. Work on re-doing this story first and really making it fleshed out. THEN work on the sequel. Trust me, those good habits you'll pick up will follow you through and you'll see your ratings rise!

I like the writing, but like Will said, you're thrown into the story without any idea of what is going on. The story is quite linear, so you should try and improve that. Also, how are you going to write a sequel if the main character is dead? Keep up the good work.
-Icestorm

Quite brief and if you don't make exactly the right choices, you die instantly.

Hmmm... I don't really know what to say. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst. I'd give it a 3.

Wait... You died and that's the "Good Ending?" Not sure how you plan on writing a sequel, since your main character's dead and all, but good luck ^_^

What the heck?! That was too fast to be a story

It was very short from what I have read, also it was quite linear.

Never recommending this. Ever.

Hoo, boy... The moment I saw "Warrior" on the second page, I almost stopped reading. Those things have traumatized me. This wasn't too much better, I think you could have used some work on your grammar and explanations, but it's a good first attempt.

The story is too short. It would be good if you make more pages. 4/8 rating

This is technically a demo because you said you'll continue it later. So... 1/8.

This game was way too short.

The grammar needs some work. The first sentence on the first page lacks a period. You need to start a separate paragraph when you have dialogue. Also, it's a good idea to write one long story rather than release a story in a bunch of tiny parts.

You also switch between past and present tense a few times. You need to watch out for that.

Overall, the story just wasn't very descriptive or engaging. But the premise has promise. You could make this more interesting by adding details, fleshing out the plot and by giving the reader a reason to care about the protagonists.

Anyway, as a first story, this should provide a decent building block so long as you commit to blowing more life into your world(s). Good luck.