Player Comments on Escaping Dystopia

I am intrigued by the intro: this was an assignment, apparently for a school class, for creative English. It appears to have a word limit of 1,000 words. That explains the overall length, but I’m not sure if the 1,000 words will be one path, or all the paths. I do hope that was considered when this assignment was graded (assuming it was actually “turned in” and graded). It also sets the expectations pretty low because 1,000 words is quite short and really is more of an essay than a story.

There are a few issues with grammar, especially early in the story. The second sentence doesn’t even have a verb. The descriptions are strange, it would appear that the author isn’t a native English speaker. The last sentence on the first page is also missing a verb. I’m also not sure of the switches in person: it felt like a narrator at first, but then it went to “I.”

Because it was so short, it seemed a bit lacking. The story started out, but never really seemed to go anywhere: in short, nothing happened. Mr. Opium just was and that was it, so I’m not really sure there was any point to the story. Of course, that is likely because in a 1,000-word CYS, there are very few words available for the story. I think if it were limited to 1,000 words that I wouldn’t really go with a CYS-style story at all.

Wow.

Honestly, this game surprised me. I read the first three pages or so, and they weren't very well written. However, as I progressed, more effort seemed to be put in. Quite odd, since usually the beginning will be good and the end rushed, but it was a pleasant surprise.

The length was a problem. This felt like more of a good start than a complete story. Please spend more time on this.

This story had quite a disturbing element, but in my opinion that just reflects on how good the author is at fleshing emotion out.

The characters needed more development, more details on them would have been wonderful for this category.

A few grammatical errors riddled the story throughout, but overall I enjoyed it. Spend more time on this and you'll have something really great.

4/8

"...pure natural nature of Mother Nature."

Poetry, man. Deep.

This story and its author have some potential. The entire thing has a strange, almost disturbing tone that fits the subject matter quite well. The language is stilted and sometimes awkward, but this actually ends up contributing to the disturbing feeling. I really got the sense, particularly in the second half, that this was a drug-induced dream.

This sense of disturbed dreaming, however, has its downsides. There isn't much of a story here, more a series of impressions. As I said, these are conveyed reasonably well, but I think a better story would have incorporated them into a more coherent narrative. The language is also sometimes a little too awkward- it crosses the line from "effective at showing the protagonist's mental state" to "just bad grammar and poor phrasing."

Personally what would have elevated this story (for me) is seeing a tangible contrast between the character's "place" and the dystopian environment he finds himself living in.

I understand there were constraints with the amount of words, but if you had included parallels in the real world this character was living in, it would've made the analogies to race and gay acceptance more powerful.

I like vague stories that feel like they transition from dream sequence to dream sequence quite a bit, and this story has a twinge of that. Just expand upon it a little.

The golden trifecta: Edgy, faggy and terrible grammar

Pretty edgy to submit this for a school assignment. Hope the grade was as free as my point.

Nice story.

This was an interesting little trip (hehe). I liked that after your choices were made there was ample description of the consequences, and the pretty forest picture after I got high was a nice touch. There was a little bit of conflict with the main character about the character's sexuality, which I thought was a nice touch. I can't complain about the length because it seems the point of the story is about pretty much one decision.

I do have to ask, however, about one thing: Why would you name an Asian character "Opium?" I mean that seems kind of odd considering the actual Opium wars and it's effect on Chinese people. Just something I thought was odd.

I'm not exactly sure what that was. I want to ask "Is the author ok"? I didn't like it. As someone that has a background in psychology, it bothered me. Not a good time. (Are you ok, author?)

Ha! That's America a century later in a nutshell.

The description and writing style is awesome. Although the story is short it conveys a powerful message about what our society has become. I hope you write more.

not bad but not much of a story

Not bad I guess... not much of a storyline and could definitely benefit from a thorough edit.

It was okay.
4/8.

The story was not bad, and grammar was very good from what I could see. However, others might think that the maturity level you set for the story should be put to 5/8. Otherwise, it was a good job: 5/8.

This was really well done.