Player Comments on Hollow Hearth

Kind of a mixed bag, but there's some genuinely good imagery and a hell of a lot more potential than I usually see from brand new authors here.

People dislike seeing incomplete stories posted, especially since you just joined a couple of days ago and that implies you rushed this out, but honestly I'd say it's an impressive effort. If the last page were tweaked a bit to make the ending not quite so abrupt, and you cleaned up your grammar and a few other issues, this would be a perfectly respectable entry. As it was I enjoyed it a lot more than I expected too, based on the other comments.

Along with adjusting the ending, the very beginning could stand to have a page added. You mention in the description that the idea is to find out how you arrived at the manor and etc, but the description can't be used to fill in gaps in the story itself. The reader is just kind of thrown into things with zero explanation, and no further info is given on the character themself.

Now, as far as grammar goes:

\Curious as to how you arrived here, a mirror reflects the silver light in the far corner of the room.\ -- The way you've worded it makes it the mirror that's feeling curious, and it's an awkward sentence either way. You need two seperate ones here. 'Curious as to how you arrived here, you carefully examine your surroundings. A mirror...etc.' Or something like that.

As far as clumsy sentences goes, that line jumped out at me, but otherwise the writing was pretty good. As I said, lots of nice imagery used throughout this, and it really helped create atmosphere.


\A large dresser rests across from you, its warped and sagging.\

\Lean and agile, your body resembles that of a dancers.\

\This might be your only chance to snoop through an old ladies things!\

\Its not locked and you're home free\

\Its as if the place had been searched\

\The books resting place is straight from a classic fantasy tale.\

\Upon touching the book you draw your hand back suddenly, its warm\

\The spiders legs sprout towards the fore edge of the b ook and grasp around to the other side\


The first sentence of the story had me almost crying in happiness because it looked like I'd found a new author who understood the difference between its and it's! But alas, that was only a fluke. I'd recommend more proofreading and a brushup on how possessives work. There and their might be an issue as well. (\The second hand repeatedly strikes against the three and the other hands are stuck their as well.\)

https://www.grammarly.com/handbook/ is an excellent resource, and of course you can always ask in the Writing Workshop here for proofreaders.

Oh and just fyi, it's a ruby brooch, not a broach. And you've got 'selves' a couple times in the study instead of shelves.

/You think that whatever you saw is waiting just at the base of the steps ready to strike./ -- Wait, what? I never saw anything at the base of the steps! Apparently the story is assuming I orginally chose 'Left to the Stairs' instead of 'Right to the Clock'. If you're going to give the player the option to skip pages or come at them through different routes you need to track what information they have and haven't seen. A simple variable would handle this for you. It'd make giving players an option to be male of female a lot easier to work with as well.

3/4 for now, but I'd probably raise it a star if the punctuation and all that were cleaned up.

You've got a great imagination, and now that you're over your newbie phase I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the future! Please do make use of the Writing Workshop forum and articles available, and don't be afraid to ask questions.

I'm not saying I approve, but I can see the previous reviewer's point. Why wasn't there an option to romance the cat regardless of its gender?

Let's me choose girl 7/8. Would've been 8/8 with sexuality options and more gender options

A bit inconsequential.

"Escaped the Manor"

Hopefully, escaped from the Bishop! ;D

it was cool

This was a very good story I enjoyed it.

OK. Some spelling errors. My biggest complaint is that I wasn't given choices sometimes and the only way forward was I choice I wouldn't normally do. Good job with the story anyway. :)

Nice style of writing. I would have liked more choices. I at least got an ending so I'm not disappointed. Keep at it and have someone proofread for you.

I just just clicked the top "answer" and I won wow

The story is intriguing and very well written. You certainly have a grasp upon higher level wording and grammar. Simply fantastic and enjoyable.

i escaped! i think that's a good thing...

Add a little bit more choices for each page everyonce in awhile. Liked the Premise though.

This was pretty detailed and somewhat elaborate for a first story here on CYS. Very well done for a newbie. Lots of potential, and I hope to see more from you soon.

It was linear (meaning that it was only going in one probable direction), but you can improve that as you progress into literature. Keep writing and join the community here--you'll find that it really helps with your grammar and sentence structure.

Please continue writing--I see a lot of potential!

The story was ok, but there aren't a lot of choices, which made it seem that you didn't put a lot of effort. I know these quizzes take a lot of time too make even though I'm making my first one, but take the needed time so you can make a super great story. However it is a really good job for a first quiz good job and good luck on your next quiz!!!

Good writing, but I think a trial game or a simple game should at least have an ending for every route, even if they don't make much sense. People are going to be much more receptive to a demo if 1) you don't have any dead end links and 2) you don't label it as such and instead just tell them it's a simple game with simple paths. :) Then you can make a longer version later that you can just label a remake.

Anyway, good luck with writing! I really like your style, and I'd love to see that Beast route be completed.

-Charaxes

So far so good...But at least try and finish the story before publishing it next time.

If you publish unfinished stories in violation of the site rules members will be vocal in their displeasure regardless of the story's quality because they're tired of reading unfinished stories, if you want to run passages of writing by members use the forums or click the preview option and ask people nicely to proof read it.

From what I read the writing is good and interesting but you'll either have to take this down (or it'll be taken down) and finish this. You wouldn't expect people to only write half a review of your story so you shouldn't publish half of a story :)

Nice alliteration in the title btw :)