Player Comments on Mercenary

It’s not a MysticTM review without a disclaimer, so here we go: To the author, take everything I mention with a grain of salt; I’m no master when it comes to writing, nor am I a seasoned reviewer (yet). As for readers, this review contains a lot of spoilers. Almost everything mentioned is a spoiler. Please do yourselves a favor and read the story first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

I love the storygame description. Minimalistic, with subtle characterization and a hint towards the protagonist’s goal. Now, I get the sense branching will be limited, but I wonder just how limited it’ll be. I’m guessing ‘the ending’ isn’t a typo here.

Ninja’s mastery shines through everything he writes. In fact, I’m not even sure I’m qualified to review this storygame. But from the very start, the setting is described in such a way that the narrator creates the atmosphere of a cynical, violent world. It also begins at a pivotal scene: The protagonist is about to face a judge, which will determine which one of two miserable outcomes he’ll end up with. Not only does this leave unanswered questions—such as the extent of the protagonist’s crimes and what lies in store for him when he arrives–but it allows the reader to decide his backstory.

WORLDBUILDING

I’m definitely stealing Ninja’s technique of sprinkling in worldbuilding through dialogue. As the prisoners discuss the Rebellion, there’s enough details for the reader to get the sense of the two main powers at play, yet this doesn’t slow the story with an infodump. It’s also a strategic decision to have the prisoners argue. Two individuals—one representing the Rebellion, and one embodying those who stand against them—are symbols for these organizations, showing their values and motivations. I suspect this conflict will be explored further later in the story.

The world feels believable and lived-in. This is especially true in the scenes where we depart from the main path to explore the city. It reminds me of video games where, on the way to fulfill the main quest, you stop to notice setting details and speak to npcs about the brewing conflict. There’s so much depth to this setting. From the clothier merchant’s business-first attitude to the barkeep’s reluctance to spread rumors, every character has a personality befitting their role in this cryptic city. Behind every location that’s visited, there is usually a callback to the central conflict of this story—this reminds the readers of the stakes and prevents the story from lapsing into too much of a relaxed atmosphere.

NARRATIVE STYLE

Ninja has a distinct writing style. I don’t quite know how to explain it, but it’s refreshing and enjoyable to read.

“Like famed heroes of old, he gained power through conquest, building his throne upon blood and bone.” — I like this line. It’s so well written, especially the last part.

The writing is poetic, but not overly so. It immerses me in each scene with just enough details to craft a believable setting, yet strikes the balance between this and not slowing the pacing. Speaking of poems, I was expecting the usual ‘foreshadowing through dreams’ trope so this was a nice departure from that, which also helps to foreshadow future events.

Descriptions are brilliant. I could imagine most scenes vividly, and the careful choice of words crafts such a specific atmosphere that remains consistent throughout. One technique I’m taking note of is in one of the early scenes, where the paragraph begins with, “That’s when you recognize him.” It proceeds to describe the person who’s referenced. Now, normally if I was presented with a few sentences describing a person, unless they’re the main villain or someone important to the protagonist, I’ll be tempted to skim through or skip over these lines. But because of that first sentence, the proceeding lines become much more relevant to the reader.

Another description-related technique is the use of relevant metaphors. For instance, the protagonist describes his foes’ method of fighting as one’s approach to woodcutting, then ends up killing them on a splintered tree trunk. There are several extended metaphors, such as the crack in the prison at the very start (changing colors to represent the protagonist’s internal emotional state) and the sparse branch in a flourishing tree (Rebels hidden amongst the Empire). These details demonstrate the thoughtfulness behind the story. This second one also foreshadows a later event.

“An object slams down overhead, a boarding plank, the boot stomps that follow are much stronger than before, boisterous, rampaging.” Now, I’m not entirely sure if this is a comma splice, but even if it is, I remember reading something about how experienced authors often break the rules for an intended effect. This sentence is a great example of that. In particular, I like the way it breaks into fragmented phrases then words, showing the protagonist’s thoughts speeding up while quickening the pacing at the same time. It achieves the effect of increasing tension through the transition from descriptive phrases to one-word adjectives.

I didn’t catch many errors, aside from: a missing space between a full stop and the first word of the next sentence, the word “WIth”, two ‘it’s’ in the place of ‘its’, and a missing dialogue tag. Oh, and on the ‘Emperor’ page, you typed “clammer” instead of “clamor”. It momentarily made me doubt myself and wonder if I’ve gotten the spelling wrong this whole time.

Nothing detracted from the readability. It’s really well proofread, especially for a storygame of this size.

The use of sentence fragments is brilliantly done. I like the simplicity of these lines: “Confusion. Horses startle. Men shout. You attack and slaughter many.” It juxtaposes the descriptive passages before it, while emphasizing the confusion of this scene.

I know this is less of ‘feedback’ and more of me compiling a list of favorite quotes, but I really love this line: “The road itself continues through various fields of tall grass and wildflowers. Bright red, purple, and white petals litter the fields. It would be scenic if not for the dead bodies.”

Also: “flash of steel” is used very often, but it’s less of a nitpick and more of a recurring motif at this point.

CHOICES

Alright, let’s tackle the elephant in the room: This narrative doesn’t have as much branching as a typical storygame. Yet, it has a few choices that impact the plot to a good extent.

The first choice wasn’t really a choice. I’m slightly disappointed, as I expected it to have a delayed consequence (e.g. playing a ‘murderer’ protagonist leads to killing people in the future, whereas a ‘thief’ would unlock options to steal things), but unless I missed something, this didn’t occur. I initially chose the murderer choice and thought there were delayed consequences because of Kalen’s request to kill the other prisoner, but then I went back and made different choices but nothing changed.

Maybe I’m just overthinking, but this sentence in the story stands out to me: “After a certain time, a path is absent of branches. You can either press on or stop where you are.” I don’t know why, but I want to imagine Ninja chuckling as he wrote this as a way to foreshadow the branching structure in this storygame— I mean, interactive novel.

For quite a while, we’re greeted with many false choices that are effectively the same links with different words. They don’t seem to change flavor text either. After encountering this a few times, I’ve begun to expect the pattern, until there’s a page with info-links where you can ask the Emperor questions. Unlike most info pages I’ve seen, these replies are short and snappy; they’re pretty humorous too if you like dark humor, so definitely worth looking through.

After this, we encounter choices! Yes, they’re separate pages with different links, and although I know they’re more of extra scenes—relevant to the main storyline, but not necessary to understand it—I can actually refer to this as a storygame! I’m mostly glad I don’t need to go through this review and replace every instance of ‘storygame’ with ‘story’.

There’s a short branch in the tavern where you could find information which fleshes out the worldbuilding of the story, or even take on a job. This feels like a sidequest of sorts.

But right before a major plot point, we’re given actual branches! Although they eventually bottleneck, there are a lot of different passages and I enjoyed reading both of them, given how vastly different they are. Both these choices matter more in the absence of previous ones, which seems to highlight the significance of the first major conflict.

I’m surprised to find a lot of branching at a later part of the story. There is a choice—the bay doors or office locks—that leads to unique branches. After seeing the three ‘die’ options, I honestly expected the first choice to be a quick death scene. But it leads to a new narrative which transforms the story, even if it does return at the second major plotpoint. Still, reading is about the journey, not the destination.

As I’m writing this paragraph, I’m at the moment right before the final major plot point, and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to see the pattern. Two distinct branches leading up to each main conflict! But the consistency of this narrative branching structure does not detract from the story, rather it adds layers to it, fleshing out different parts of the worldbuilding and showing unique sides to the characters while ensuring the reader has the information they need to proceed to the key scenes. Superbly done.

There are four ‘Kill him’ options: it’s the most repeated choice, and the last one we receive. It really emphasizes the protagonist’s conviction in this moment. The perfect final choice.

CHARACTER

Even when the protagonist is on the way to the place he’ll be judged, he doesn’t seem to think about escaping, nor does he worry excessively about the future. Rather, he accepts his fate, and engages in conversation with the other prisoners. This sort of resignation is consistent with the world he’s in—people are a product of their environment, and after years of living in such a society, he has become desensitized to death.

It shines through during battle, where he doesn’t react outwardly, but to himself, assesses the situation in ways alluding to his familiarity with war. A lot of characterization happens subtly in this manner.

The character dynamics are unique for different groups. For instance, the protagonist is more reserved when conversing with the other prisoners. Yet, when he meets Kalen, he jokes with him and engages in wordplay. This difference not only serves to reinforce their past, but also adds layers of complexity to the protagonist’s development. I must say, after all that, I definitely did not expect what came after. But I’m intrigued. This story keeps me hooked with one unexpected event after the next.

Every action the protagonist takes feels natural and in character. It’s interesting how, despite his often detached and unemotional commentary on the events around him, his ultimate quest is a personal one: a mission for revenge. It’s also believable considering his backstory. He seems to contradict himself in ways that lends itself to realism: on one hand, he doesn’t help a boy rescue his brother, but on the other, he is affected by the deaths of the soldiers that fought alongside him. It’s moments like these which hint at his propensity to push people away due to the betrayal in his backstory, though it shows how war creates the illusion of friendship—the same illusion which led to his near death experience in the first place.

Here’s another little detail I caught: Most fight scenes aside from the first briefly touch upon the actual fight, focusing more on the blur of events or the aftermath. Yet, when fighting the Rebel soldiers and knowing the importance of preventing them from warning Rainna, the protagonist has a personal stake—this is reflected through the narrative’s focus on the fight itself. During the fight with Rainna, every action is mentioned, owing to the importance the protagonist places on this moment. It’s the first of three boss fights, if we’re running with the game metaphor from earlier.

“All paths lead to destruction.” — This is the line which ends a conversation between the protagonist and Artem, discussing whether the past is worth leaving behind. I find it very fitting, considering the setting and the protagonist’s misbelief-driven quest.

Maybe I’m biased because I’ve written an advice post about it, but I like how you used two commanders as character foils, emphasizing their differences while providing commentary about those in power in the real world. Furthermore, this has relevance to the theme as well! Captain Varro is the rare exception of honor in a world where deception and backstabbing is rewarded. It proves to the protagonist that not everyone is as cynical as the Fallen.

“You and I are the same,” Stagg says. “Our paths have traveled parallel to one another. They’ve crossed before and they cross again. Perhaps I’ll survive, just as you did.”

“No,” you utter. “Our paths haven’t crossed. Yours has run into mine, and has run its course.”

Parallels! I know I’m slightly biased because of my recent advice thread, but it’s a neat way to add depth to the conversation between the protagonist and his final foe.

PLOT

I must admit that after the conversation with the prisoners and the escape, the beginning dragged on for a bit too long. It first foreshadows the event of meeting the judge. That’s the question raised in the readers’ minds; the premise promised to be delivered. Then, we have to click 8 links before we get to this scene. Now, it does keep things interesting—there’s a fight, several prisoners escape (not including the protagonist), and someone gets killed. But then it feels like it stagnates for a while, slowing down the pacing with descriptions of the prison and a flashback. Still, the flashback did include enough tension in the second half to keep me invested in the story, and soon enough, after a brief page about the Imperial dungeon the protagonist meets the Emperor.

Just as soon as one question is answered—what fate awaits the protagonist when he faces judgment?—a new one is raised: the story behind his ‘demise’. Through the strategic release of information, this story overturns previous notions we may hold. For instance, I thought the flashback scene with Stagg and Rainna was rather wholesome; they were flying through the air and the protagonist mused about how they complement one another. Then comes the revelation: they betrayed him for gold. It’s a recurring motif throughout the story—fickle allegiance can be bought—but it comes as unexpected to the reader, as it did to the main character.

The quest for revenge comes right after. This review might be a bit scattered chronologically, as my thoughts on this personal mission is in the ‘characters’ section and the next scenes are best fitted for the ‘choices’ category, but after this we’re back on the main path. The protagonist turns down a boy who seeks his help rescuing his brother; if this were more of a storygame, I suppose that could have been a branch of its own. Next, the path to Rainna’s location is through a mountain littered with corpses, and we have another tiny plot twist: the protagonist doesn’t question his initial thought that these bodies belong to the Rebels, but it turns out they’re the children of miners who have been conscripted to serve the Empire. Now, I expected evilness from the Emperor to stay in power due to the foreshadowing at the start, yet this furthers the worldbuilding even more, casting doubt to what benefit—if any—serving the Empire provides.

The next scene, a conversation with the commander, shows the extent of Rainna’s power and raises the stakes. It grants us a choice: work alone, or work together with the legion. This is where the most branching occurs. I appreciate the parallel to the first choice when you’re playing cards with the legion, and how it doesn’t matter just like it didn’t at the start. There’s also another parallel where death occurs because of the ulterior motive of one. Even though I like the legion path, it made me sad (though I suppose that’s the point). The story kept me invested enough that I read the other path too, and I quite like the cunning approach that was taken, pretending to be from Rainna. This path juxtaposes the other: it provides us with more insight as to the motivations of the Rebels whereas the other focuses on the Emperor’s soldiers.

The fight with Rainna is brilliantly written. All the buildup has been worth it, and the moment delivered a sense of closure; she wasn’t defeated too easily, nor did it take too little effort, given what the protagonist knows. There’s a sense of closure too. As expected, the protagonist felt more joy in the initial fight as opposed to seeing Raina dead, which shows his development as a character.

Adding Taryn to the story was a nice way to show a different side of the protagonist. Considering his lone-wolf mindset and only accepting help when necessary, I enjoyed seeing him wrestle with his feelings with her while remaining focused on his mission. This plays an important role in the plot, too. The protagonist’s enemies are, by no means, weak, as shown by him nearly dying, and it’s only because of Taryn he survives. Then she’s killed, which demonstrates the difficulty of his quest. I love how the stakes rise with each target the protagonist is after, each darker and more difficult than the last, increasing the tension as we move towards the climax.

Woah, so many immaculate plot twists. Tormeck’s “identity” surprises me not once, but twice. Even the Emperor’s right hand man can’t be trusted. It’s not only thematic—everyone is self-motivated and backstabs one another—but it’s so poetic how the protagonist kills Tormeck to prevent the Emperor from facing the same fate he once did. And the resolution of this fight! I said, “oooh!” out loud in my room. The Emperor acts as a parallel to the protagonist, and now when the protagonist hears the former speak of revenge, he thinks of this as ‘troubling’. I just love when character development is done well.

Is that a reference to Blackbirds I see? The change of setting to the boat keeps things dynamic, and also sets up the foundations for the war at sea; this weakens the Imperial army. I like the flashback about Stagg. It really shows how close they used to be, which makes the betrayal of trust more impactful.

Then, facing off against Kalen. This is a slight nitpick but I would have preferred if it was dwelt on a little more, considering how important of a character he seemed at the start. I enjoyed their pre-battle banter, but the fight itself felt a little anticlimactic. Then again, this fits into the theme of most lives being insignificant (along with the protagonist wanting to get to Stagg as quickly as possible), so I suppose it makes sense this way too.

“Long journey to get here.” — Indeed. I spent many hours reading words and clicking links, investing myself in this story, all to reach this pivotal moment. Let’s see if it pays off.

The reminder of that fateful betrayal right before the fight is masterfully written. I, as the reader, see the stakes so clearly, which makes this final battle all the more meaningful. At the end of the day, the outcome is everything I’ve expected.

The mercenary achieves his goal. He strikes off the final name from the list, stealing away that last life. “Battle isn’t as glorious as the storybooks write.” Well said. I’m amazed by how this storygame is the closest representation of realistic battle I’ve seen portrayed in fiction. At the end of the day, there’s no triumph or victory, only a job well done.

And hey, there’s a reference to Unbroken too!

…Oh wait, the story isn’t over. I absolutely love how there’s never a shortage of plot twists. It was foreshadowed too—evidenced by details in the earlier parts of this review—but it still caught me off guard. Everything is nicely concluded but the protagonist’s fate is left uncertain again, as is a recurring motif in this story.

This whole experience was spectacular! If a sequel is written, be sure to tag me, please.

CONCLUSION

This is a brilliant storygame and I certainly recommend it. It took me two sessions to read through. During the first, I was so invested that I didn’t realize it was 1am, so I had to force myself to stop reading after the battle with Rainna (but only because I had to wake up early the next day). This story brought me back to those childhood days of reading ‘just one more page’ until I’ve ruined the next morning with a lack of sleep. Totally worth it though.

Seriously, it deserves many more readers, ratings and reviews. But for now, hopefully this super long comment makes up for that :)

Major cliffhanger at the end, fighting a group of men while closing in on the emperor. This story was fantastically written!

I can see why EndMaster speaks so highly of you...

Another brilliant NinjaPitka story, the premise initially reminded me of Spit on your Grave but he takes a quite different direction with this story. The fantasy world is incredibly immersive and very fun to explore, the writing is consistently brilliant with good plot branches, interesting characters and well defined settings, I liked all the fighting, the capital and the island as well as living the mercenary life. Another great story by one of the site's best authors :)

Really enjoyed this read! Not very "interactive", but I appreciated the open-ended ending and the small opportunities for role play. Very high quality writing tho!

Very linear.

Very go

Good story. I liked it.

i am happy when i am done.

Your writing is masterful as always, ninja. The storygame itself is dense with content and choices, and it kept me entertained until the very end. I couldn't help but be curious in all of the possible outcomes and decisions that are so neatly and wonderfully placed in this story.

I have to say that I enjoyed every minute of this story. I'm tempted to say that you have outdone yourself, but your writing is always consistent in just how good it is. Thanks for yet another wonderful read, I eagerly anticipate the next storygame that you may create. Be it some inspired sequel to this storygame, or something completely different altogether.

At this point I think that it is safe to say that it is only right for me to look toward to your next piece. The level of care and attention to detail that you place into each of your stories is always a treat to read and enjoy.

Thank you once again, for writing this wonderful and enthralling story.

Pure enlightenment!

This story is a journey of self-discovery, and leads the reader to new levels of inner peace, harmony, and a sense of wellbeing.

It changed my life.

Overall: Absolutely amazing! The tales/paths in this story are woven together in a beautiful tapestry.

Ninja outdid himself again. I was really surprised at the number of paths and endings here and I think others will be too.

It is ultimately just a good story I'm sure anyone will enjoy clicking through.

I have a feeling that Ninjapitka really likes three things; boats, guns and islands.