Player Comments on One Man Hide And Seek(Hitori Kakurenbo).

... *sigh* In the interest of finding something worthwhile in this game, I am going to do this, but you should know that--from what I've been told--you using me for cameos in your games, after I expressed (multiple times) that you did not have my consent, is not okay. This story will likely be removed.

>>hitori kakurenbo

"One person hide and seek," that's what this translates to--or, if you prefer, "the most popular game for the loneliest elementary school students in existence." (This is for when you can't even get your imaginary friends to make it two-player.)

>>"Hey did you heard a game called hitori kakurenbo ?"

Heard? Surely you meant herd, but would that require a sheepdog or a referee?

>>When i tried this game i first stabbed the doll and i said "bob is it

... Fascinating story, Mike. -_- No, really, the utter lack of detail and answer to my question was immensely helpful. That, or you suck at story telling so badly that my character went into some kind of 'boredom nirvana' trance to avoid hearing any more and only bothered to wake up again once I returned home to play a game I know almost nothing about.

(For the love of God, this is an obscure JAPANESE URBAN LEGEND. How many people do you think know about this? Not enough to justify you writing this without any explanation of what you're expected to do and WHY.)

>>You have collected the requirements for this game it took you one hour for searching.

... Why do I care how long it took? And why am I playing hide-and-seek with myself at 12am? If I'm young enough to be testing obscure Japanese urban myths for kicks, I guarantee you I have a curfew.

>>You:"I Need to remove stuffed cotton inside the doll and replace it with rice."
>>you did replace the stuffed doll with rice.

Oh, really, Capt. Obvious? I figured I was going to star in a Burlesque show instead.

>>Next thing is the fingernails or blood.
>>which one to add inside this doll ?

Ehh. Split the difference, let's just stuff a baby in there instead.

>>You:" I Just Need to turn off the lights and turn on the T.V"

Oh, now THAT's a good sign that you're getting into some ancient mystical shit right there, when electricity and TELEVISION are explicitly involved. (>_>' Japan, you and I need to have a serious talk--and this time it's not about the tentacles.)

>>After switching off all the light's...

After switching off all the light's herpes* (There, fixed it for ya. Incidentally, when did you learn how to turn off herpes? I can guarantee you there's more money in the medical field than in literature for you.)

>>You:"i just need to place this doll in bathtub."
>>You placed the doll in the bathtub filled with water.

Hey, HEY! You actually expanded on the scenery with details you did NOT make me warn myself about an awkward monologue! Careful or you might actually get some where with this scene!

>>You:"I Just need to think of a name....Yes Cuddles"

... Eh, never mind. I don't know what I was worried about. (Who names a doll "Yes Cuddles"? That's just creepy. Does it have a cousin named "No Bad Touch"?)

>>You:"Should i walk out to another room or look behind ?"
Because everyone playing hide-and-seek announces what their next move is going to be.
>>as you looked behind the doll came after you and killed you !

I was killed by a cloth doll stuffed with rice and fingernails / blood (or a dead baby, if you followed my suggestion) ... I feel like I need to apologize to Harry about that "made of glass" comment. At least he died with some dignity.

>>You:"I Have found cuddles !,I Have found cuddles !,I Have found cuddles !"

You ... can't be serious. I put the doll in the tub, wait 10 seconds, then announce to the world that I found him--in the exact spot I left him? No wonder you have to play this game alone. The only way it would be remotely fun is if your short term memory was shorter than that of a goldfish.

>>And stab him using your knife...

Kids in Japan have anger issues, don't they? >_>'

>>You:"Now cuddles is it !,Cuddles is it !,Cuddles is it !"

... This is a profoundly awful game. Either you don't believe in the spirits and you just wasted some cloth, thread, rice, and perfectly good fingernail clippings, or you DO believe in the spirits and you just openly invited one to shank you as soon as possible. I'd like to assume there's a point to this game, but clearly there isn't one. (Am I talking about the urban myth or the story game? The answer is yes.)

>>you could see T.V Channel's changing you were afraid

Ahh, man, I totally feel ya. When that one member of your family has the remote and they're just endlessly flipping through the channels, even when you see like, six different shows you totally find watchable and they're just like "no, no, no, no, OOH, no, no..."

>>You could see T.V Channel's Being Changed,Sudden Change in Temperature etc..

You know what? No. I'm not going to try to be funny here. This is genuinely irritating for me. You're describing an evil spirit's presence entering a room and the frightening effects that a human being is noticing because of that, while they're hiding and afraid for their life.
I have read many descriptions of this kind of scene ranging from ethereal, to tragically beautiful, to scary as shit, and this... this is just so lazy it hurts. I've never seen anyone so bloodlessly toss out a scene that should be filled with suspense and emotion. Have you NO imagination?

>>You Need To End The Game Quickly !

... WHY? I have no idea why I'm PLAYING, let alone why I need to STOP PLAYING SOON.

>>You:"I Need To Find Him Quickly !" You Say This In your Mind.

Then why are you writing it the same way as speech? >_>

>>You Come Out Of Your Hiding Place And Now You Think
>>You:"Where Is Cuddles ?"

... I've been hiding in a closet with a mouthful of salty water from a murderous doll demon this entire time and ONLY JUST NOW, as I'm leaving the hiding spot, does it occur to me to wonder where he is? >_> This is why I keep refusing cameos from you, your characters seem to have roughly the same IQ as a bag of rocks or a particularly decayed tree stump.

>> You Have 30 Mins Left.

Until what? X_X

>>*FLASHBACK MODE*

If you just gave me the instructions at the beginning of the story rather than giving me "flash backs" of something I never saw, then maybe I'd die less. If the point of your story is to kill your reader for something they have literally no control over because you're forcing them to fly blind? You need to re-think your plans. Seriously.

>>You Also Cleanse Your House And Live Peacefully....

Yes, I'm sure the same child that stuffed a doll full of nail clippings and stabbed it mercilessly for no discernible reason other than anger issues and/or a death wish will go on to be the paragon of a kind, quiet, and ultimately clean-living citizen.

>>When You Look Behind It's Satan !The One Who Possessed The Doll.

... ... What? *facepalm* Just what? Satan as western culture knows him is not viewed the same way in Japan, man. I ... I don't know why I was hoping for some kind of respect towards the cultural basis for the myth you're ripping off, but ... just, what? There are so many other ways this could've gone.

>>Bevan:"What !! I Told You Not To Drip Your Blood Inside The Doll !"

Again, this is just bullshit. You're chastising the reader for doing something that you clearly never told us not to do.

>>Bevan Takes The Yamato(From DMC 3) And Holy Water.

... You took a sword from a video game? I can buy the damn holy water because that is a thing. I don't believe it WORKS, mind you, but it's a thing. Blessed water. Not a problem. A fictional sword which you're acknowledging is from a fictional universe from inside the game? Problem.

>>Bevan:"I Need My Friend's First !"
>>Visit Kiel_Farren.

... Um. Hey, kid I just met a few days ago? We need to discuss the definition of the word "friends," I think.

>>Kiel:"Hello Bevan What's Up !"

I can promise you that if you showed up on my doorstep in the middle of the night, that is not even remotely close to what I'd say to you.

>>"So..What Have You Come Here For..?"

Neither is that.

>>"Why ?"

Or that.

>>"Uh....Ok I'll Come With You !"

Oh, hell no.

>>Mike:"Hello Bevan ! You Need Something ?"
>>Bevan:"Yes I'm Requesting You To Come With Me !"
>>Mike:"Oh Yes...Our Best Friend is Possessed by Satan Right ?"

... >_>' If my character called him first, Mike already said he couldn't help me, so if Mike suddenly has nothing better to do and is willing to tag along just because "Bevan" asked, he's kind of a douche-bag. On the other hand, if Mike wasn't called before hand and he totally expected this to happen anyway, he makes it sound like this is just Tuesday for everyone involved and that means my character is probably even more horribly inept than I previously thought.

>> That Fireball And Led Him To Death !

... :P I guess it was just there to light the way, then?

>>Thus Mike And Kiel Hit Each Other By Mistake

-_-' Unless Mike has a striking resemblance to a fallen angel who despises humanity, I'm going to call bullshit on this one. (Then again, I have no idea who the hell Mike is, so hey, maybe he and Satan could totally pass for twins.)

>>Kiel And Mike Both Wake Up At The Same Time

Huh? My in-game incarnation fell asleep, too? How? He wasn't exposed to terrible dialo--oh, wait, yes he was. >_> It's just that he had to recite it instead of reading it.

>>Kiel And Mike Handle These Minions And Protect Our Friend Lying Down !"

... Ok, but if you want me to fight while lying down, it costs extra.

>> I Too Have 'Something' To Show You !".

Bow chika wow wow?

>>Bevan:"No Time To Talk ! Come On !"

... You're not going to bother explaining something about the events of your game? What a twist. -_-'

>>Bevan:"Yeah Dude !"
>>Kiel:"How Did You Defeat Satan ?"
>>Bevan:"Ummm...It's a Secret"
>>Kiel:"Oh...Ok "

I have more respect and empathy for Spider-man than I've had before in my entire life, now that we've both been butchered in what amounts to a bad mash-up fanfic.

>>Bevan:"Let's Wait For The Next Day Mike"

... Did you seriously leave a script note in the dialogue?
>>THE END.

Thank. God.

>>To Complete This Game It Took Me 2 Days.

I'm honestly a little surprised that you even spent that much time.

Um....drinking salt water eh?
How...salty of me.

Sorry. I just thought painfully bad jokes belonged on this storygame's comments.

You should have took more time with this story. You cannot make a storygame in two days an expect it to be decent. There is a lack of effort.

I have a quick question. Why is there a space between punctuation?

So bad. Story Games require EFFORT!!! If you "finish" in less than two days, you did something wrong. I'm working on several SHORT games, but it's taken me a couple months of working on it a while every day, and they still aren't done, or even near being done!
The grammer/ spelling is very bad. No one talks like that. And the story in its self is bad. You mention things that never happened, people behave weirdly, and it makes no sense.
And one last thing: do you actually believe this stuff? If you do, you should see a therapist. I'm serious, thinking this is real is not normal.
I'm sure you are a very nice person, and I don't know you so I have no right to judge you. But please reconsider your writing career.

2 days huh. Why am I not surprised

Wow. I can honestly say that was the most unique experience I have ever...*is lost for words and stares at screen for 7 minutes 13 seconds*

>>You:"I Need to remove stuffed cotton inside the doll and replace it with rice."
>>you did replace the stuffed doll with rice.

Who`da thunk it? I need to barf on my computer screen. Ergo, I did barf on my computer screen. If that is your logic, I salute you and I hope you have a good lawyer `cause this computer cost a lot.

>>You:"Should i walk out to another room or look behind ?"

The heck should I know? And you might be playing with nobody except a vaguely disinteresting stab-obsessed doll, but who says where they`re going in hide and seek?!


>>You:"I Have found cuddles !,I Have found cuddles !,I Have found cuddles !"

You are excited as shit about finding a piece of cloth filled with rice and stuffing and blood and God knows what else. Because logic uvu

>>You:"Now cuddles is it !,Cuddles is it !,Cuddles is it !"

blah blah blah (who got that?)
Sorry, I think I`m getting as lazy as you. I refer to my earlier statement(s).


>>You Need To End The Game Quickly !

Well, freakin` amen to that. The best line in the whole thing.

>Mike: "I told you not to use blood."

*checks* Nuh. *checks again and gets lung cancer* Nu-uh..

To sum up, 8/8! For being the most irredeemable block of what equates to lycanthropian text in the full moon! For inventing the world`s hardest Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar test ever! For wasting 13 seconds of my life!

Goodbye.

Please throw your keyboard away.

The first three times it was pretty funny, now it's starting to get kind of boring. Kiel's review was excellent as always but I agree with James. I once heard our writing styles reflect our personality, for your sake I hope that's not true :)

I wonder if Kiel will write a review about this... I certainly hope so.

Either way, this was slightly worse than the average furry erotica story.

You know, Bevan, I am what many people would call a misanthrope. I am disillusioned by society, and I have a deep-seated resentment for my fellow man. Every now and again, though, something will happen to instill in me a certain faith in the human race. If you were to take all of those actions, all of those little moments that make me even the slightest bit proud to be a human, and pool them together, they could not possibly redeem what you have just done.

You obviously don't know anything about dialogue. You can't even write a good script. Your dialogue looks like the bastard child of every writing taboo there is.

>Mike: "I told you not to use blood."

No, you most certainly did not. Nowhere in the half dozen unsubtle, horribly written flashback scenes do you provide us with any information on why we shouldn't use blood.

Why do you use the word "fucker" when you are going to censor it later?

Your laughably poor writing is only tolerated because of Kiel's witty and hilarious dissections of your stories, and even Kiel is getting tired of your shit.

There are plenty of resources, on this site and on the internet at large, that can help you to improve your writing. But, you have foregone the advice of seasoned authors numerous times, and you continue to churn out stories of eyebleedingly low quality.

You harass some of the site's veteran members for help with your story-games, when you hardly put any effort in them yourself. That is lazy, deplorable, and, as you can probably tell, pointless.