Player Comments on Scapegoat

I was sensing some fury vibes in this one, but for the most part it remained just an odd supernatural story. I would have liked to have seen more of the strange afterlife, but this had enough to keep me interested. Deeper ideas of loss and acceptance kind of hovered beneath the surface, and overall, the feeling I got from this was muted sadness.

One thing is for sure: I've never even considered writing a story from the perspective of a goat. Props for creativity. Interesting story.

Well, it is a contest entry, so congrats on publishing.

On the path I "chose" it was very linear, with only one or two choices the whole game, so not very good with the branching. Nothing grabbed my attention or got me invested in the character. And I felt that the death scene on the first page could have been a lot stronger.

Also, it seemed that much of the dialogue was just explaining what was going on without really advancing the action in any way. Perhaps in a longer story with more going on this would not have bothered me, but here it didn't hold my attention.

Overall, meh.

I forgot to say but, great job for a first time story. With some greater care to plotlines and tense presence you'd be capable of writing a really good story. Hope to see more from you.

Scapegoat Review:

Initial Thoughts:

First off, before I even began reading the story, I noticed that the image of the goats on the cover is far too large and comes off the screen. Try going to an image resizer and adjusting it to an appropriate pixel size so that it fits.

Opening Scene Review:

We begin the story by following a young goat in its last moments as it's about to be sacrificed. I found a lot to be desired in this section. It was written in third person, while all subsequent pages are written in second person. The second-person view works much better, and I wished it was used on page one so we could get a glimpse into the goat's feelings as it was about to be sacrificed. The page lacked dearly in this crucial aspect. We’re not given enough detail or depth into the goat's thoughts and feelings (or not as much as would be satisfactory) as it walks to its fate. If anything, the most characterisation that seems to happen is from the townsfolk sacrificing the goat and asking for forgiveness.

To use an example, the opening scene would have been much richer, more personal, and immersive if written in first or second person. Here's my rendition to prove this:

Sitelung’s Version:

“A goat nuzzles up to its mother, nipping at her fur. She pushes the curious kid aside with a sharp kick, and it skips away into the field. The goat's wide eyes take in the trees it is getting too big to climb. It runs faster, before tumbling into a tall pair of legs. A hand reaches out, and the kid butts the palm with rounded horns. The man reaches down and lifts the goat, one hand around the neck. It huffs, scuffing its hooves against the shepherd's robes as he carries it back to town.”

Crimson’s Version:

“You nuzzle up to your mother, playfully nipping at her fur. She pushes you aside with a firm kick, and you skip off into the field, your legs bouncing. Your wide eyes take in the tall trees, the ones you’re too big to climb now, but you still want to try. You run faster, hooves clopping over the grass, until thump! You tumble into a pair of tall legs.
A hand reaches out, and you press your head against it, bumping your small, rounded horns into the warm palm. But then the hand closes around your neck, and you feel yourself lifted off the ground. You bleat, your hooves scuffing against the man’s robes as he carries you, away from the fields and back toward the village. A strange, heavy feeling settles in your belly as the people start to gather, whispering words you don’t understand. You don’t know why, but something feels different today.”

Surely, you can see how this version written in the second person perspective is much more engaging, immersive, and emotional?

Here’s another example where we see the goat’s death, where emotionally it falls flat due to the lack of descriptiveness of the goat's struggle, pain, and inner turmoil:

Sitelung’s Version:

“He raises a dagger, blade reflecting the rising smoke. The edge presses against the goat's flank, meeting resistance as it drags across the skin before cleaving open. The knife doesn't struggle to rend the soft tissue inside, the body puts up no fight. The goat gives an exhaled cry and a weak kick before going limp. The man mumbles a long prayer, and the others begin chanting along. The psalm passes like a quiet wind over the town, the people with fevered eyes and palms pressed together.”

Crimson’s Version:

“The man’s hand tightens around your neck, and you feel the cold press of metal against your side. A sharp pain cuts through you as the blade bites into your flesh, dragging slowly across your skin. Every nerve feels like it’s on fire, your body tensing, fighting, but your limbs are weak, barely able to respond. You let out a strangled, trembling bleat, and your legs give a last feeble kick. As the pain sears deeper, your vision blurs, your breath slipping out in shallow gasps.
Around you, voices rise, chanting words you can’t understand. You can barely hear them, their voices like a breeze in the fading light. Your body grows heavy, and you feel yourself slipping, fading into the murmurs of their prayer.”

To further enhance it, maybe hearing the goat’s inner monologuing, crying, or core memories flooding back would make the blow even heavier.

Page 2 is much stronger. Not only did you decide to switch to second person (a good decision), we also get much more dialogue with a new mysterious setting, which draws the reader into wanting to find out where we are and where we’re going next. The story gets better the more I read. I can tell you're improving as you write.

At first, I found our relationship with Ember kind of lacking. Ember is a mysterious figure who doesn't really seem to explain things super deeply; the protagonist is also too shy to ask certain things, like why they were walking through the underbrush. I think their dynamic is fine, but I do think there was more room for a unique character voice here. They come across as kind of similar, not super distinctive. Maybe giving Ember some unique speaking habits, quirks, or a bolder personality in some ways would have made him come across as a bit more “rich” and unique from the protagonist.

The scene where we finally make it back to our flock with Ember is well written. The emotion is palpable, and we get the first glimpses into Ember's motivations for being so vague. He didn't want to hurt the protagonist, but by withholding secrets, he ended up hurting him even more. This page was very well written, definitely my favourite so far and makes Ember much more nuanced and “humanised” as opposed to this vague, spiritual figure who mysteriously knows everything about the afterlife. He comes across as highly empathetic, but he miscalculated the effect of his decision to withhold information. It’s such a sad and profound moment in the story due to Ember's actual innocence and desire to do good, which just makes it hurt even more.

The protagonist is further characterised on this page brilliantly through a great usage of exasperated language and well-characterised body language, which really conveys his emotional turmoil, stress, and grief. This is especially shown in lines such as:

“You yank his hands down, clawing at his face and digging your nails into any inch of skin you can find. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Your throat burns as you scream. Ember pushes you off of him, and you hit the ground hard. Your eyes water as you scratch at your face and wail. He kneels down beside you.
‘I’m sorry I’m so sorry. It’s just that you’re my first friend and—’ He gasps, trying to peel your bloodied fingers away from your skin.
‘Where’s Silage? He’s my friend, not you!’ You choke the words out, with every breath your lungs on fire. ‘You’re just selfish—You didn’t care about me at all!’
‘That’s not true, I swear that isn’t true,’ He wraps his arms around you, restraining your movement until your sobs slow to sniffling. You curl into yourself, arms gripping your stomach. You’re too weak to move, and Ember wipes the blood from your face.
‘Where’s Silage?’ You say.
‘They released him into the woods when you died. It’s the second part of the sacrifice.’”

And yet, it all cascades and becomes quickly resolved in a realistic, emotional, and believable manner. The protagonist comes to terms with why Ember did what he did and moves past it to save his friend Silage. This is the best page by far - great characterisation, emotion and we finally have an antagonist, a crisis to avert, and someone to save. We now have an end goal.

Minor Critique:

One minor critique I have is that we just seem to get transported into the body of a young boy instead of being born as one. Yet, in previous pages, it’s stated that all lives are recycled, meaning all get reborn, so it feels a bit like a plot hole that we seem to get some kind of special treatment while others lose all their memories and start anew. It would have been nice to see an explanation subtly woven into the plot to explain this.

The first page is in third person, but the rest of the story is in second. The second-person view works much better, but it may have been even further enhanced if written in first person. We never really learn enough about Ember; his character voice isn’t that distinct from the protagonist’s. He’s empathetic and a good friend, also portrayed as quietly mysterious, especially at the beginning. The story gets better as it goes on, with moments of well-written descriptions, dialogues, and great emotional weight, but there wasn’t much plot overall. There was no crisis to avert, nobody to save; instead, we simply get a time skip where we’re now living life as a human. The ending felt rushed and as though it could have been much better in those regards.
Characterisation: 5/8
Ember and the protagonist have narrative voices that are very similar, which makes them less memorable. There are moments of strong emotional weight in the story, which increases the score a bit. The first page is also in third person and lacks the emotional weight a sacrifice scene should convey due to insufficient emotional expression of the goat's final moments. There was potential for much more struggle, much more “oomph” in those scenes, but most of that is due to the third-person view, which is improved later on anyway.
Plot: 3/8
The plot isn’t fully fleshed out. There’s no crisis to solve, and we don’t go on a journey to find our friend. I think the time skip caused by time moving differently actually played against the story’s potential for a thrilling adventure to save our friend or mother from sacrifice, with either the potential to fail or a happy ending.
The ending felt lackluster. We essentially get a time skip with a vague (albeit creative and well-written) update on how he’s doing now and how he and Ember have assimilated to human life.
There could have also been more exploration into why we weren’t reborn like other life forms and instead appeared in an already developed human body along with Ember.
Branching: 2/8
There’s unfortunately very little branching. The plot is essentially linear, and the only times we see any change from clicking options are in pages with additional worldbuilding information, which doesn’t actually impact the ending (which remains fixed).