Player Comments on Shadow of a God-King

This is a great story! I will mention that anyone who is going to read it should be aware of the trigger warning and notes. There is a lot of abuse, which is the conflict that drives this story, but it is well written and properly handled: you just need to be ready for it.

This is also a very linear story. Not that being linear is a huge problem, but I think the difficult rating could be lowered to maybe a 2. There are no end game links (that I found) other than at the end, so it is really hard to lose. However, choices do matter at the end of the story; they just don’t change anything in the story significantly until chapter 4.

Ultimately, it’s a well-written story with no major flaws; however, I did struggle to rate it. This story is 100% worth a read (if you can handle the tigger warning)! Ultimately, I gave it a 6 after seeing all the minor things I picked out from it. Maybe it deserves a 7–or even an 8—but it’s not my favorite type of story and the spoilers below will go on for awhile with a lot of minor tweaks that I would personally change more to preference than being wrong.

The 6 is more about how many little things were found than anything else. That being said, stop reading here if you have not read the story! It’s very interesting and engaging: go read it.

Where to start? I have so much to say and really want to emphasize that there are no glaring issues… just a pile of small things I want to touch on to hopefully help you in future stories (like possibly a sequel to this one?) or give you something to think about. These aren’t meant to be mean—just helpful— and I did like the story. I’ll start with branching.

This story was well written and long, but there was no branching. To my estimation, every choice in this game typically changed one page (maybe two added some kind of side quest) and a few paragraphs throughout the story. Then, all of your choices were thrown back at you at the end of the story. While this isn’t a big deal—even linear stories can be extremely good—it takes away from part of the fun of a choose your adventure story in my opinion. I’m all for the illusion of choice at times to limit writing… but choices felt inconsequential. It also made it hard to try different choices.

Think about it, if I wanted to play both sides of the first choice… I would have to read the entire story that’s exactly the same (save one page that is different) to see how the trail changes at the end! This isn’t wrong, but the payoff for that choice is behind like a 130K word wall… that makes it tough to enjoy both paths. It’s not a huge deal, but it’s a minor irritation. I know you are great at coding, but no choices seemed to matter, so making the choices didn’t feel impactful. For the record, it didn’t make the story any worse; however, I only played through once. I often clicked both choices to read the next page, but never went all the way through to read the payoff at the end. There just wasn’t a point.

My last gripe about choices was the last choice. This is the only choice that mattered, as I didn’t find a choice that ended the game or changed the potential endings. However, it didn’t make sense to me. My choices were to show my scars or reveal something my evil husband said while torturing me. If I showed my scars my husband was killed for what he did—which was the whole goal of the game—so I won, paying the ultimate sacrifice of being killed for being a manipulative and untrustworthy weasel the pharaoh couldn’t allow to live because of all the things at trial against me.

The other choice (telling the pharaoh what his son said while torturing me) showed that I was a loyal and trustworthy servant who was wronged and misunderstood during the trial. In fact—I’m so trustworthy that I get made the head of all of the woman in the pyramid—basically taking my husband’s job. What? I mean I like the different endings… but why does showing physical proof of the abuse make me untrustworthy and disloyal—someone who only uses the truth when it suits her— while recounting the abuse with words makes me a hero? It was just a lot of change for a small choice after making a lot of bigger choices that didn’t seem to matter. Again, it doesn’t make the story bad… it’s just a minor irritation that I noticed. I would have had more options during the trial, requiring a series of correct answers to get the “true” ending. Maybe this path would be blocked if you slipped up enough earlier in the story, but this would be frustrating to replay EVERYTHING and have to basically skim through just to get different choices at the trial.

Oh, grammar! I always comment on it. Your was good. There was complex sentences and it controlled pace and otherwise had intentional use. However, there were a lot of small typos I wanted to mention. None were significant and they are expected in a story this length… but there were things like leaving the “s” off a plural word. An example would be something like, “all of the bride gathered.” It’s not a huge deal, but it’s something that another proofread could fix. Ultimately, your grammar and punctuation was a positive not a detraction from the story. Really well done!

That being said, there were some things I would fix. One is how long the pages are. Again, this is minor, but I disliked breaking up scenes mid-page with a “***”. Just end the page. It makes it easier to read when it’s more broken up. This isn’t a huge issue—everything was well written and flowed well. I just think page breaks would have been easier than the “***” in the middle of a page.

Also, this story had a mixed relationship with repetition. It was done well often to really emphasize things like abuse and trauma that the main character felt; however, it also reared up in a bad way during some descriptions. This made an already long story longer and harder to read. An example I noted is your description of the library which is described twice a few sentences apart. Your descriptions were good and I was transported to a different world, but the repetitiveness was an issue in a few places. Here is an example I noted, “…is oppressive—as oppressive as the heat..” it’s oppressive oppressive. Just saying as oppressive as the heat would be fine here, unless you really need to hammer home how oppressive the heat is.

My next gripe sets up a few issues. This was a long story, and no story is perfect, but there was a lot of “telling not showing.” Don’t get me wrong, you took us through a lot of things by showing us the action which is good! However, you seemed to try to add a lot of pieces to this story by just telling us they existed. These things weren’t shown and didn’t have the impact or payoff that I think you were looking for. The next few paragraphs are specific things/people that we were told are “very important” but didn’t have a huge impact of the story. In fact, these “important” things could have been omitted and not changed story story at all… I know the story was long and good, but if you wanted these few things to payoff they needed more words/time given to them in the story.

Let’s talk about Jayce. Someone should… he was listed as the main love interest and the whole reason we even joined the resistance! Our love for him is unparalleled! He is the only thing that’s holding us together! My main question is… who is Jayce? Why do we like him? Where the heck is this guy when we need him? Yes, there is one page called “reminiscing” where we talk about our past together… and I do have an option to save his life (he lives either way). However, the reader never meets or gets to know Jayce. We aren’t told much about him… just like “You love this guy”. It makes me wonder why we joined the resistance and what keeps us holding on to this guy who is never there. I didn’t care about him at all until “reminiscing” and did not choose to save him. Why would I risk my life as the reader for this random guy?

I’m being a bit harsh, but this romantic interest just wasn’t in the story enough for me to even care about him. If I had to pick someone for the main character to end up with romantically… my first choice is probably Hapu and second is Jack Quickfingers. Jayce isn’t even on the list because he actually appears on what 3-4 pages total? He is a side character. Jack is more likable and present, and Hapu is around way more.

To be honest, I was sort of mad when Jayce didn’t want me to go back to the pyramid and was so concerned about me… like where was he the first time I was found through this? Why does he care now? Why does the narrator keep saying I love this guy? It just didn’t pay off the way that (I think) you hoped it would. Remember that the readers interest, attachment, etc to anything or any character is often proportional to the time (words) spent on that character/thing. Jayce simply isn’t in the story enough.

If you want Jayce to be more impactful but don’t want to write a ton more… I don’t blame you. What I would have done is remove Hapu as a character and make Jayce take that role! Think of how interesting that would be… Jayce could be right there—witnessing all of the trauma but unable to help! The main character could cry in his arms; he could be her rock or a disappointment (maybe based on choices). This would really let him be present as a love interest. Just be aware that as it’s written right now Jayce could be removed and the story wouldn’t change… other than like one page and a few mentions.

The same is true for the evil merchant who tries to marry the main character before the evil husband. The main character hates this guy—I don’t. He doesn’t really do much… I hate the evil husband. He is a sadistic villain—but we can talk about that later. This merchant has a huge role at the trial and it just doesn’t land. The evil husband could say everything he does and it would be more impactful just because—again—this merchant isn’t given enough time in your long story to be emotionally impactful at the trial (in my opinion). He could show up more to build the impact… or removed completely.

These issues were so glaring that I have a few notes related to this… like why does the main character join the resistance? We aren’t given a good reason for this in my opinion I don’t know why the reader loves Jayce, and she joined the resistance for him… so I don’t get why she joined at all. Her whole family doesn’t have an issue with the pharaohs rule… so what’s driving these very different political thoughts? It doesn’t need to be explained, but I did question if the resistance needed to be in the story at all.

Think about it, if the main character was just randomly selected as a bride… the whole story could have happened without the resistance. The resistance came in to play so little that the entire stated goal of getting the information for the resistance didn’t drive the plot! The plot was driven by getting revenge on evil husband. Who cares if the resistance mission succeeds or fails—those guys are barely mentioned anyway.

On a similar note, is the pharaoh even a villain? He seems to be a reasonable ruler who has a violent evil son. I could make an argument that the pharaoh is a hero or victim based on what we actually experience from him. Yes, making externals is bad and he uses necromancy to make people think he is a god… but he believes people should have social-economic freedom as long as it doesn’t cause chaos and only sacrifices willing participants… he doesn’t seem that bad compared to, let’s just say, the royal family of whatever countries still have one. He is an elitist maybe… but there isn’t much focus on why he is evil… all of the focus is on his son. Maybe that changes in a sequel?

I’ll stop harping on this, but my main point is that you kept stating things like they were important but now showing them in your story. This story was about the evil husband and abuse and how a bride lured in under false pretense fought back to get her dignity and sense of self back. It was really good for that, but all other things faded into the background. This isn’t bad, but the story claims to be about a resistance fighter who takes a stand against an evil pharaoh’s rule… I just didn’t see that. As long as that’s what you intended it’s fine. I mention it because I fear it was not intentional…

My last notes are on world building. You created a fantastic and engaging world! There were a few things that broke my immersion though. I don’t know how to describe it well… but I was really confused on the technology level, society, and other soft details in your world. I loved the magic and everything… but some of this was inconsistent and confusing. I’ll try to explain, but it was just off at certain points. These are just a few thoughts because you built a beautiful world but these details are fuzzy.

It first jumped out at me on page “washroom”. I found myself wondering how and why water was warmed in the blistering hot desert… I also noticed this bathroom read like a modern bathroom (shower/tub with plumbing and a sink that has a mirror over it with a toilet in the corner that flushes…). Does this world have modern technology or not? The weapons and means of travel imply it’s the past but the minor descriptions imply modern living situations. I half expected the main character to use something like a hair drier or turn the lights on with a switch, but then they rode a camel around rather than drive a car.

Medical knowledge was another strange thing. They have crutches and cups but not splints because they use bark? I’m just having trouble placing the technology level of this world as a whole. Their medical knowledge includes things like internal bruising, lung contusions and concussions… but they send letters by pigeon and ride horses. I get they have magic but the tech level, medical knowledge, etc just seems inconsistent to me.

Additionally, the society we see is strange. The reason we join the resistance seems to be that the pharaoh set up this oppressive society… but they have fair trials and barristers? That’s actually quite conflicting… the whole trail is a cool concept and very entertaining… but it feels like it shouldn’t exist! Again, why is the pharaoh so bad? He gives fair trips for criminals with the right to a barrister and even as a law that you can consult with your barrister privately! Where are the problems? What’s so and about this society that we need to go through all this abuse to end it? I’m just confused.

I’m sorry for the long comment… but that’s “all” I have! I hope this feedback helps and this is a great story! I hope you write a sequel to it. None of the issues are huge, but we all can improve!

At first, when I began reading 'Shadow of a God-king' I wasn't interested. The prologue that mainly focuses on Hapu's brief adventure before the main plot had many questions left to be desired; characters were introduced and left unexplained further than the very basics, and sentences seemed rather simplistic in parts, perhaps to emulate the urgency Hapu was feeling. I also noted a couple of spelling errors but the main issue was I felt it lacked a more detailed inner monologue from Hapu, especially concerning other characters.
However, It was a prologue after all. I assumed that the lack of explanation into characters, as well other objects of interest such as blood magic, was a thoughtful choice by the author to create intrigue in the later story.
I was very happy to discover this to be the case as the main story unfolded from chapters 1-4... everything and everyone set up in the prologue was beautifully revealed across the breadth of the tale and characters were fully fleshed out in a 'show don't tell' approach.
I particularly loved the character of Hapu from the beginning. He was humanised early on as a man hell bent on revenge but still grappling with his humanity; for me Hapu's character later influenced the way I approached choices. His initial murder of the two guards in the prologue perfectly set the tone for what is at stake if the resistance fails and also of the lengths needed to be taken to meet the resistance's goals… The way his anger disgusted him shows this in a really compelling and relatable way.

All the characters were compelling in this manner, some with unique motivations such as Merta, who threw a curveball into my/Azalia's plans. I put that in the review speaking of the main character's plans as my own because the author has an incredible grasp of wrapping you up in the plot of the story before you even notice it. I found this particularly impressive, as the main character is distinctly different from myself but I could still enjoy her motivations and understand her character... I felt like the angel or devil on her shoulder guiding her.
One problem I will point out is that although the author had a very good grasp of how to portray Azalia and the wives, they failed to mention periods once… I know that periods are a big deal for any woman with massive consequences and I felt this should have been mentioned not only to make the characters more believable but to add to the struggle the wives were going through. An impetuous cruel man like Amun-ka would have scoffed at them for their basic needs during a time like this.

The plot pacing which was at a very good pace to divulge everything but not so slow as to lose interest... The plot was detailed and might I even say meticulous, and I wasn't fully aware of how meticulous until the final trial when so much of the information from the main plot is put under intense scrutiny. There is an awesome push and pull fight over evidence in the Pharaohs' court that can lead to all manner of damning evidence against you if you spoke up instead of pleading neutral silence. It was nuanced and I liked that, I really felt like I had 'a Gotcha' moment both for myself and the attackers.

The only plot point I disliked was Azalia’s previous two year combat training with the resistance… It didn’t make much sense to me that she gained any substantial training in two years without anyone else noticing she was collaborating with resistance members. Who were these resistance members other than Jayce? Seemed a bit airy to me compared to the rest of the plot which was strong.
Oh and the Pterdon felt like a wasted chekov’s gun… maybe it appears in another path that I missed, but in my playthrough it was only revealed once flying overhead on the elephants… apart from perhaps juxtaposing the main characters lack of freedom ((spoiler (Which is already achieved later with the leopard sphinx when it breaks free later)) it feels slightly wasted in this tale although still nice world building. I feel that the author created a whole new universe and left the reader to ponder on much of it… This isn’t a bad thing, star wars was much the same, and just look at how the extended universe exploded afterwards. At an early stage in this story I even amused myself by imagining this was what was happening in the Harad deserts during the Lord of The Rings (just my head-canon for fun since I am a big fan)

There are definitely impactful outcomes. The two endings I had were quite similar but varied, one being the main epilogue ending and the one just before that. I won't divulge further so as to avoid any spoilers but I remember having multiple choices come up that could have resulted in different outcomes and potentially getting caught far earlier in the story. I could definitely replay this and test a few other options. I really want to see a few moments like how life with Jayce could have been had I not gone back to get revenge on Amun-Ka.
Furthermore, not directly to do with replayability for this story but I'll go back to the character of Hapu... he is still such a mysterious character that leaves the story with so much more scope to add to it. I would love to read a prologue turned into a full book solely focusing on him and his life before the events in this book.

In conclusion I thoroughly enjoyed this story and really feel that the author left me wanting a sequel. I felt like a real spy with assets at my disposal, but the weight of choice and consequence was always there, adding spice. In fact I believe the author even breaks the fourth wall at one point when Evette speaks of 'choice'. Whether intentional or not it's a cool touch.
My main gripe is with the prologue, I sincerely believe Hapu could have a slightly expanded upon inner monologue especially when meeting his co-conspirators such as Dmitri. There are a few errors in spelling that could also be easily ironed out especially in the prologue.
That being said, I would happily show this book to a friend and I would also happily replay it myself to discover some of the alternate paths. I can easily see why this story was commended, I believe it’s highly deserving of more recognition and expansion. To make a plot this thick takes some dedication and a clear mind.

7/8

Shadow of a God-King is a story of colossal size and reach. From the very beginning, it plunges the reader head-first into its magical world and establishes the stakes. I personally was intrigued by this story because of its ancient Egyptian-inspired setting, which felt like a good break from the usual medieval European-based fantasy stories. If I'm not mistaken there may be a crumb of inspiration from Dune as well, especially with the design of the sandworms, which I found interesting.

You play as Azalea, a merchant's daughter who has been invited to become one of the Brides of Amun-Ka, the son of the immortal Pharaoh of the Empire. You take on this role in order to further the mission of an underground group known as the Resistance, of which you are a spy, that seeks to undermine the God-King ruling the Empire and put an end to his tyranny.

So when does personal sacrifice become madness? Our protagonist gets pushed violently to her limits, over and over again, under the guise of working for the greater good and achieving her goal with the Resistance. What are the consequences of Azalea working for the greater good and beings set on her goal with the Resistance? She discovers this quickly as she is violently pushed beyond her limits time and time again.

Rather than bombard the reader with paragraph after paragraph of exposition, we learn more about this world and its fantastical elements on an as-needed basis, whether if it's needed in the moment or if it's to serve as set-up or foreshadowing for a future scene. I like how well this information can fit into casual dialogue or as a thought in Azalea's mind before we are off to the next beat. In general I loathe walls of exposition, so this story was a treat in that regard.

I really liked the visuals throughout the story (namely the chapter headers) as well. They added a nice touch, and I loved seeing bits of the setting being faithfully incorporated into them, like the painting of the sunrise with both suns. It felt more impactful than pasting in similarly-themed images off the Internet.

** CHARACTERS **
One of the many strong points of this story is its delightful cast of characters. The author accomplishes the task of making them all feel real and human, from guards that only have a page of reading time before they're assassinated to the main cast of Azalea, her family, the other Brides of Amun-Ka, and of course, the wicked Pharaoh and his son themselves. Each person is characterized appropriately based on their role, age, and other factors. I like that elderly characters act elderly, and children behave and speak the way children do in real life rather than just being physically smaller adults.

Azalea's character is complex and handled incredibly well. At her young age, even with two years of training from the Resistance, she still has much to learn, and watching her grow throughout the chapters is rewarding. She's clearly well-trained and loyal to her mission, but she can still be reckless and miscalculating. Her moral dilemma is eminent from the first chapter - as both a Bride and a spy, she bears witness to atrocities and great luxury alike. The more injustices she watches others face at the hands of the Empire (and those she faces herself), the more she is determined to strike down the God-King once and for all.

Amun-Ka is a profoundly terrifying antagonist. Words can't describe the dread I felt at Azalea's experiences with him. His father, the God-King, is an equally well-designed character, although the two have very different motives and are depraved in other ways. You learn more about their dynamic as the story progresses, but there's a neat book you read if you choose to work on the library project in chapter one that dives into greater depth about their family and the Eternals which paints a clearer picture.

The ensemble groups of characters are a delight to read about. Listening to the Brides banter at dinner and throughout the pyramid establishes a sense of camaraderie and familiarity with them, even if not all of them are as prominent of characters as, say, Mona or Evette. I feel empathetic towards the Brides and connect with them as Azalea based on the shared struggle of having a demented, sexually violent immortal for a husband. On the other hand, the brotherly love of the Thieves' Guild is wonderful. Seeing a revolutionary organization, and a thieves' group no less, be so well-organized is a refreshingly different take from what I've seen of similar groups in other stories being rag-tag units of disjointed rebels. Hapu is a lovely character throughout, from prologue to epilogue, and Dimitri is such an awesome magician character. Even our lawyer we only see for one chapter is full of personality.

The representation of trauma, not just with Azalea but among other members of the cast, is done with taste. The author accentuates the mental scars alongside the physical ones, and they don't just fade away when it gets convenient. These scars stick with a person. This adds a realistic amount of depth to the characters, especially from Azalea's perspective.

** WRITING **
The prose in this story is delightful. Each description engrossed me into the world and made me feel like I really was a part of the action - stealthily navigating around pyramids, watching a stunning desert sunrise, navigating bustling city streets. There are very few stories that have me glued to the screen or page the way that Shadow of a God-King does.

The story itself, *for the most part* (there are certain points that differ from this), follows one storyline rather than a large, branching structure, but you have a good amount of agency to differentiate each playthrough. In the first chapter, the character Talia as well as the Chaperone of the Brides explain what is expected of a spy and a Bride (respectively). Some future choices rely on you recalling these codes (such as pulling a seat for Amun-Ka first before you sit down) to achieve more favorable positions in the pyramid, though you can choose alternatively and be "safe" in the sense that you don't find yourself immediately dead. Your actions have consequences down the line, and it feels rewarding to pick up on social cues and choose my next action the way a true spy would in these scenarios. Similarly this method of decision-making persists in the later chapters, such as the trial between you and Amun-Ka.

One example is if you choose to execute the officer that caused Haemon's death at the beginning of the story, you may not have access to the library restoration project down the line and be at further scrutiny with the Master of Spies because you're deemed a potential security risk. It's smart, delayed effects like these that feel all the more rewarding to play through rather than being forced to go back after an incorrect choice because you're soft-locked or, worse, being met with immediate death like some (albeit significantly lower rated) stories on CYS like to do.

The trial scene in chapter four feels like a tonal shift from the previous few chapters, but it handles the transition appropriately and still feels riveting to read even if it is primarily dialogue-focused. I actually quite liked the back-and-forth in the courtroom and seeing the crowd's reactions. Also, seeing the Pharaoh explode Amun-Ka's head in front of a packed court after the Brides banded together to out him as a blaspheming fraud was fucking CATHARTIC. (I think I got the true ending to be able to see that though. Oops, spoilers!)

This story tackles a variety of themes, especially those of social divide, human autonomy, and the status of women in society, and does them justice. The author has a way of making your stomach turn as well as Azalea's as the poor, enslaved, and even the Brides at the sadistic hands of Amun-Ka are treated as subhuman. Still, the portrayals of graphic violence are done in taste and they are relevant to the story - nothing is done for shock factor alone. On the flip side, there are times where the seriousness of the story suspends itself for just a moment, like the food fight between the Brides at dinner, which serve as a refreshing breather from the otherwise quite dark material.

There are some minor spelling errors here and there, but I'm keeping in mind the sheer length of this story (over 130,000 words) and giving a bit of leeway as it's no easy feat to craft and proofread a six-figure word count epic like this one. In general, there is a great command of grammar and syntax, and nothing really pulled me away from the story in that regard.

All in all, this story is among the best written on this website.

** RATING **
I can't quite put into words how much I genuinely loved this story. There are very, very few stories on this site (and in general) that I lap hungrily up within a day and still thirst for more.

If you are a fan of grimdark fantasy or Egyptian-themed worlds, please set aside a long evening (or several shorter ones) for Shadow of a God-King. I promise you will not regret it.

8/8.

I can't wait to analyze this wild journey through a high-stakes trial in a cruel, ancient empire. Here 's me analyzing some of my choices, the journey, and the elements that made this story so compelling, along with a nod to where it could’ve twisted differently. Please don't take this too seriously. I loved this.

Spoilers:

- I only like playing for one ending in a game, unless I get a bad ending. I'm satisfied with either a bittersweet ending, an outright good ending, a true ending, or something combining all of those in some way. So I'm only reviewing based on my experience and the ending I got.

Prologue:
A strong, visceral opening. You immediately establish that this world is one of power plays, ancient legacy, and personal cost. The sensory details, from scents of incense to oppressive court silence, ground the reader in a deeply immersive setting. It gives just enough worldbuilding to intrigue without overwhelming. The questions start here: Who is Azalea? Why is she being judged? You’re hooked instantly.

Chapter 1:
This is where the emotional architecture begins. The manipulation, the hierarchy, the trauma - everything about Amun-Ka's dynamic with Azalea is horrifying but grounded in reality. It’s a brutal examination of power imbalance masked as honor and status. Azalea’s agency is limited, but her inner strength simmers below. You feel her desperation, and you understand her choices.

Chapter 2:
The investigation and build-up. Tension starts to crackle like dry parchment near flame. The way Azalea seeks allies or loopholes, weighing her moves like a chessmaster in a rigged game—it was intelligent storytelling. You understand this is someone used to playing the long game to survive. We see her motivations shift subtly from self-preservation to something bigger: justice - even if it costs her everything.

Chapter 3:
The confrontation. Stakes are at their highest. The court setting was written with brilliant pacing—each moment felt like it could be the last. Every eye is watching. You hold your breath as Azalea reveals the scars. The writing here pulls no punches, and the horror of what she endured is allowed to sit in the air like smoke. It's not just shock value - it's raw testimony.

Chapter 4 (Personal Ending):
Gut-punch perfect. It’s the kind of ending that doesn’t pander or seek a happy wrap-up. Amun-Ka’s death is grotesque but fitting. The Pharaoh’s judgment is cruel, but not irrational. Azalea doesn’t win - but she succeeds. There's no triumphant fanfare, only the cold, aching weight of victory without survival. And honestly? That’s the kind of storytelling that sticks. It’s bold. It respects the reader's intelligence.

- Experience: A Heart-Pounding Gauntlet
It was like balancing on the edge of a dagger to play through Azalea's trial. It was a classic setup, with a young Resistance Lieutenant in a Pharaoh's court battling a cruel prince. With a vast empire with magical lie detection, a paranoid 800-year-old God-King, and a lot of allies (Hapu, Djit, Mona, Jayce) and enemies (Amun-Ka, Omari) that kept every decision loaded, the world-building struck hard. Managing Azalea's trauma (scars, assault, death) while defending her mission - convict Amun-Ka, save the Brides, and ignite a revolution - was a constant source of minor stress. Each stage felt like a chess move where she could lose with a single mistake, from the evidence to the witnesses to the final appeal.

The stakes were the story's strongest point. Azalea was fighting not only for her own life but also for the safety of her family, the hopes of the Resistance, and a legacy of overthrowing a despot. I had to think strategically in some places in order to balance the risks (lie detection, Pharaoh's bias) and rewards (Amun-Ka's conviction, ally protection).

- Standout Moments
The evidence phase was a brilliant move, with the letter, tools, and book all falling like bombshells. Can the forged letter withstand magical scrutiny? Chef's kiss. It revealed Azalea's slyness and orchestrated Amun-Ka's demise.

Observe Phase Drama: Due to my choices, Azalea's outburst of "lying bastard!" and Omari's "wanton whore" lie were both gut-punches. It was tempting to defend herself because of my boldness, but I remained paranoid for a bit because of Vasalius's warnings and Dimitri's lie detection flag. The suspicion of a conspiracy stemming from her meeting silence was painful, and her partial testimony - denying the purity test - was a tightrope.

My Final Personal Appeal Climax: I chose to show the scars, resulting in the Pharaoh's gore-fest execution and Amun-Ka's breakdown. I was hoping for a daring payout. The Pharaoh's turn against Azalea, however? Vicious. Her passing struck like a freight train, and his icy reminder of his paranoia was his comment, "I've seen worse scars."

- Thoughts on the Choices
As the last tactic in my playthrough, I relied on displaying scars because it was concrete, evaded lie detection, and highlighted Azalea's victim narrative. Amun-Ka's conviction and allies were safeguarded. After an outburst, my usual tactic of silence felt too passive; Omari's lies required an answer.

Was the play Scars the best? At the itme? Absolutely, for conviction. I'm assuming no option was able to avoid the Pharaoh's paranoia, which saw Azalea's genius as a threat. Suspicions of a conspiracy would have persisted even if silence had postponed her fate. Blasphemy might have backfired and cost her her soul. Amun-Ka's head exploded, the Empire trembled, and her allies had a clear view of Kephernum as Scars gave her the biggest bang. Despite her terrible death, she died a legend rather than a footnote.

- What Worked
Immersion: Every detail drew me in, including the heat from the torch, Amun-Ka's gurgling end, and the court's gasps.

Moral Complexity:Azalea’s deception (planting evidence) biting her was a genius.

Agency: Decisions felt heavy. Despite the ultimate cost to Azalea, my decision was made.

Stakes and Allies: Every decision was infused with the Resistance and personal connections (Jayce and her family). Even in death, they were protected.

- What Could’ve Twisted Differently
The paranoid pharaoh was telegraphed: His "no threats" attitude might have been revealed to us earlier, for example, by a courtier whispering about the Pharaoh's purges. It maybe could've kept the gut punch while lessening the shock of Azalea's death.

Mona's Testimony: Mona is willing to testify. Despite the possibility of Resistance exposure, her confirmation of Amun-Ka's brutality might have deflected conspiracy criticism away from Azalea. A clutch save opportunity lost.

Survival Path: Azalea's persistence could have been rewarded without lowering the stakes if she had a remote chance of surviving (which she might've, but I ain't going back), such as the High Priest attesting to her loyalty after her injuries. But death fits the grim tone.

Final Thoughts:
This was an emotional, richly narrative, and morally complicated experience. One of the characters that lingers in your mind after the story is over is Azalea. She's memorable because she's not a saint. The writing compels you to confront difficult realities about loyalty, power, and how justice is frequently achieved through sacrifice rather than virtue.

It was more of a "live their pain, shape their legacy" experience than a "choose your path" game. And I cherished every moment of it.

*Man, I said way more than I needed to 😅*

Rating: 9/10.
Would recommend.

When does personal sacrifice become madness?

Fluxion’s contest entry, “Shadow of the God King” poses a really interesting and thought provoking question that forms the crux of his 120k magnum opus.

Essentially, the story is set in a strange planet with a culture that’s essentially Ancient Egypt, but with magic and strange weather conditions thrown in.

The prompt that Fluxion picked essentially called for just writing a story set in a planet with a harsh environment. But Fluxion managed to take the underlying premise and really run with it, exploring how the harsh conditions of the planet gave rise to the complex and multifaceted governmental system that was exactly like the Egyptian monarchy led by Pharaoh's back on Earth.

Fluxion did a really good job with the setting. He put a lot of thought into designing the world so that it felt like a real place. Everything, from the sand worms feeling vibrations in the ground, using hunting tactics designed to prey on their victims’ need for water, and jumping out at travellers in surprise, to the 2 suns(Khephri and Artemes) rotating and revolving around each other, contributes to making the place feel somewhat like Earth but very alien. Even the multi-headed elephants contribute to this effect.

What I like about how Fluxion handled it is that he didn’t make the weather the main focus. When receiving a prompt like this, it’s all too easy to succumb to the desire of writing overt and very detailed descriptions of strange weather dynamics, simply to show off the writer’s creativity in depicting strange weather phenomena. But Fluxion doesn’t take this low-hanging fruit. Rather, he writers in layers. The strange setting is there, but not there. And that’s the point. When writing these kinds of stories, you want to make it feel almost like an afterthought, something that’s so natural to these characters that it’s there but it doesn’t feel like it’s the main focus.

Moving on to the story itself.

The story was one of the most interesting and captivating stories I’ve read in a while. Basically, a resistance group, tired of the Pharoah’s tyrannical rule over the populace, recruits a young girl to join the harem of the Pharaoh's son, Amun-Ka, a remorseless sociopath who feeds off of his wives’ pain and degradation. She has to go undercover and basically live this lifestyle while trying to recruit key intelligence that can aid the Resistance’s efforts to undermine the Empire.

I really loved how the story took its time with the premise, making an effort to show us who Azalea was before all this, and the trepidation she felt upon joining Amun-Ka’s service. It’s clear she’s no battle hardened spy, and the character felt quite grounded and realistic. This wasn’t some badass who dealt with every problem with ease, this was a real human being put in a really tough situation. I like her character, she’s a talented and kind-hearted person who genuinely cares for people but is forced into a situation where she has to do immoral things at times. The story manages to show her inner turmoil and moral dilemmas quite brilliantly.

The story operates as a Gauntlet style CYOA, with a long story marked by regular choices in between. However, most of the choices don’t largely change the story, but Fluxion made sure that they were important choices that affected what kind of person the character chose to be.

At a certain point in the narrative, the character reaches a crossroads. This is when Azalea has to choose between going back to the Pyramid or going home. I felt that this was a really key point in her journey, and the story did a great job giving that choice the narrative weight it deserved.

I loved the thoughtfulness and pacing of this story. This isn’t a story where at every turn, you make life altering decisions. This story is a slow burn that takes its time to set up all the players and the larger world around. The story does a remarkable job on multiple fronts and the scenes change genre in interesting and novel ways. At one point, we have a spy movie. The next, a legal drama. You never quite know what to expect with Fluxion, and he uses that element of unpredictability and skill handling multiple genres that he perfected in his previous stories here quite well.

I love his writing. At this point, if you were to go back and compare all of my previous reviews of Fluxion’s stories, you’d probably think I was a broken record. But it’s true. Fluxion has a meditative, contemplative style during the slow and sad moments, and a descriptive and cinematic style during the rest of the story that really aids in immersion. He’s not the type of writer to go “this happened, and then this happened, and then we went home. LOL.” Instead, reading his stories is like descending down a spiral staircase where when you look down, the only thing you see is a yawning pit below, and you don’t know what’s going to happen next but the feeling of suspense and tension hangs in the air, almost like it could be cut with a knife. From the moment Azalea is deployed, you never quite know what Amun-Ka will do.

Which brings me to my next point, the villains. The Pharaoh, and his son Amun-Ka are some of the finest villains I’ve seen. I love the contrast between them, the all powerful Pharaoh who puts on a kind face for his subjects, but in reality, is an unstable madman obsessed with power and legacy. The backstory where we find out the Pharaoh killed his other son and chose Amun-Ka as his heir simply because Amun ka was a pliable sexual deviant who was content to stay under his father’s thumb as long as he does whatever fucked up shit he wants was folded neatly into the story. There was no info dump, rather the character finds this information out while looking in a book for intel.

Of course, the Pharaoh also has a flaw. His arrogance. He fully believes in the myth that he is a God King to the point where he tells ridiculous propaganda that he is the reason Artemes, one of the suns in the sky, stays where it is. I loved that detail, I love how you portrayed him simultaneously to be a powerful necromancer with the power to shoot lightning out of his hands, while being an insecure man obsessed with his own deity that he misses things happening right in front of him. He doesn’t know, or maybe he doesn’t care about his son’s proclivities as long as his son shuts up and does what he’s told.

But he doesn’t. Amun-ka almost seems like an Ancient Egyption version of Amon Goeth lol. He’s sadistic, insane, controlling, a real sociopath. Fluxion did a really good job writing these visceral and painful scenes of sexual violence that made this work quite painful to read. He not only shows the violence for the sake of the violence, but he shows the emotional toil it has on Azalea and the other brides, and he does this writing quite skillfully.

Fluxion handles trauma in an incredibly fine and nuanced way. He shows Azalea managing to push past her trauma for the greater good, while still acknowledging that trauma isn’t something that goes away, but rather something that you grow around, becoming larger in spite of the pain. The nightmares, the scars, everything was written in such a detailed way that shows the dehumanizing effect of slavery and sexual coercion.

In addition to that, we also see the women’s pain at not having their sons with them. We see first hand how class division dehumanizes people. The wives are playthings for Amun. And just like all vicious cycles of violence, the wives perprate the same treatment on the slaves. They have to carry the women up 12 ladder steps to climb on elephants, yet they need to scramble down and get them glasses of wine, at the peril of their lives.

Fluxion incorporates some really intelligent commentary on the dehumanizing effect class division has on people. When you only see people based on how much money or social prestige they have, talented and dynamic people like Azalea become nothing more than property of spoiled entitled brats like Amun-Ka, nothing more than “Amun-Ka’s wife”.

Another great thing this story did was write a theme of bodily autonomy and make it the central focus of the story. A large scale conflict between government and resistance groups can be reduced to an individual struggle that parallels this larger struggle: Azalea maintaining her independence and strength despite all of Amun’s torture, simply by enduring. So when Amun weaponizes her art against her, basically forcing her to do the one thing in the world she loves, paint, while he hits her and rapes her, that almost breaks her. That could break anyone. Instead, she turns it inward and uses the pain as more fuel to gain revenge on Amun-Ka.

One last point. I loved the legal chess game, the way the prosecutor and defense would lay out strategies, predicting and anticipating what the other would do, then reacting. A lot of time was spent on the legal chess game, but I think it paid off. At the same time, the pacing largely slowed during the legal scenes. I feel like to improve that part, Fluxion, you could cut down on some of the extraneous information, streamline the scene and the information you want the audience to get while showing off the amazingly clever legal tactics/ploys both sides would play.

In conclusion, this was a remarkable and fantastic grimdark fantasy tale that was also quite thoughtful and poignant. Fluxion does an admirable job portraying Azalea’s toils and travails as she fights for her country’s independence and for justice. I love how pure and idealistic she is, at no point does she ever forget why she came here. Everything, from the way the merchant talks about Jack Quickfingers, to how the slaves had to climb up and down the elephants just to give the women wine, reminds her of the extreme class division in a monarchy and how it rots society.

Besides the main character, this story boasts a rich and diverse cast of really interesting side characters. Seriously, I could write a fan-fic about any of these characters, thats how good they are! Contrary to being throw away archetypes, good for a one line gag or quippy remark, these characters feel like 3 dimensional, fully fleshed out, real people. I loved how Azalea got to know her sister wives, and bond with them, while at the same time we saw that not every person was good. Merta for instance was quite a complex gray character. The audience could never really figure out if she was a bad influence on Sati, controlling her and gaslighting her, taking advantage of the emotional wounds/physical wounds created by Amun-Ka to worm herself in, or if she was genuinely in love with her. I also thought it was interesting how Fluxion portrayed LGBTQ+ relationships, I liked how he included them naturally, not making it seem like a big deal. He didn’t do forced inclusivity for diversity points, but rather created a natural and diverse, multifaceted alien society, and we really feel that.

The question, "When does personal sacrifice become madness?" is referenced to over and over, to the point where it's the central ethos of the work. Azalea is asked to do far more and give far more of the most intimate and personal parts of her mind and body. So this isn't just a throwaway one liner or a cool line in the beginning, it's a question that Azalea probably grapples with everyday; is the risk really worth it. But then she remembers just how fucked the system is, and decides to make the sacrifice regardless of what happens to her. That is true heroism.

I liked how in this story, there are no clear good guys or bad guys. Or at least, completely pure good guys. Obviously, the Pharaoh and his son are bad guys, but the Resistance isn't exactly squeaky clean either. We see how they manipulated Azalea, made it so she never had a real choice in the matter. She was funneled along this path, and led to believe that she chose it on her own, when reality, everything from her blue eyes to her artistic talent was leveraged by resistance spies to get marriage finders to choose her. I love how Flux shows the sense of betrayal she feels at this point; lack of choice is a really important them in this story, and it's overt in the scenes where Amun-Ka handcuffs his brides and whips them while having sex in a degrading BDSM relationship, but this is mirrored in a more subtle way with how the Resistance treats spies like Azalea and even Jack, to an extent. So it was nice when Azalea turns the tables and manipulates Hapu.

Which brings me to my next point. This is a very intelligent story. Characters don't just overthrow large power structures in one day. The plans are really intelligent and thoughtful, and it make sense every step of the way. It was an intellectual treat to see Fluxion write these complex stratagems and maneuvers that the Resistance would deploy, accurately depicting the focus and tactical ability of a large scale organization with a single goal in mind.

Above all else, the story is just good. I feel like it was immersive, and really compelling. The character beats, the narrative arcs, the writing, everything came together like instruments playing a concerto in the Philharmonic orchestra. While the pacing does slow a little towards the end, in the beginning, middle, and most of the end it’s so captivating.

Another drawback is the occasional spelling error here or there. And one of the 2 paths, the "you choose to go home after escaping", is noticeably shorter and more underdeveloped than the "go back to the pyramid" path, but that's ok. Both are still awesome.

This is a well-designed, high effort story that I would give an easy 8/8 too. I am so proud of Fluxion for achieving his potential, he’s always been capable of writing a story like this. He combined his fantastic, out of the box original ideas, with a really emotional and human theme of wanting bodily autonomy and fighting against those who oppress you and see your pain as a form of amusement and sexual gratification, to create a truly special work. This story made me feel like I read a bona-fide epic, and I am really rooting for you to win the contest.

Well, this took me about three days to read (thanks to having my work shifts), but I'm glad I finally got to end of it, because I think it was a fantastic piece of work that definitely deserved first place in the contest.

I liked the Prologue right at the beginning, with Hapu and Dimitri. It was enough to make me intrigued for the rest of the story, without giving too much away - which is always good.

I really liked Azalea as a character. I was able to connect with and really care about her as a character, thanks to the way you wrote her and her conflicts. I have to say, I would have liked to see more choices and branching. There were several points where I was 'locked into' agreeing to something, or doing something, where I would have thought that the opposite choice would have been better. There's one point where Azalea refuses to do a task, only to later change her mind - but as the reader, I would have liked the opportunity to choose for myself, at least initially.

There was one point that was really jarring for me - when the Pharoah is doing his immortality ritual. Azalea giving up a small bit of flesh from her hand was glossed over, just told in summary, and it kind of threw me out of the story a bit. This would have been another good opportunity for a choice: to obey or defy, with defiance perhaps leading to a bad ending, such as death or imprisonment.

If I was reading this book as a novel, it would have been absolutely perfect. It's got so much that I adore in fantasy - a strong female lead, a complicated antagonist (I'm not talking about Amun-Ka), and really interesting supporting characters, like Jack, who I was really fond of. I just really feel that there could have been more choices and paths. And the final choice didn't really give me much about which was the right path to take.

On the whole, I did enjoy reading this, despite it feeling more like a novel than a CYOA. I would say it feels like the Choose Your Fate version of Final Destination 3 when there are choices - they only change things slightly, until right at the end. Still, the world is well-written, with interesting characters and mythos. And I'd be interested in seeing a continuation of this story in the future.

I wish this was made into a real choose your own story book and made a series I am so sad there is no more to read it was so good!! Please consider making this a series because I need more!!❤️

AMAZINGG 10/10 i loved the ending.

Story so gud. Gud writ. author gud.

In all seriousness, out of my limited time on the site, this story is probably one of my favorites (If not my very favorite). It goes pretty in depth on subjects some other authors would overlook, such as general world building rather than 'Desert. Sacrifice. Oh look, sadist.' It also shows the mental states of the characters very well through the writing, especially but not limited to Azalea's. Every character felt compelling and necessary. I'm glad there could be some justice in the end. 8/8

story gud!

story VERY gud! author gud at story!

A very long and wordy game, but in the best of ways. So many options and ways to choose your adventure. One of the best stories on this site.

I've played all of EndMaster's games, and most of the other top rated ones, even some poorly rated short ones. This one by far was the most engaging story. While the paths and choices were not as far ranging and story-altering as many other storygames on here, the story itself was a masterpiece. Case in point: I started reading at 8pm and it is now 2am in the morning and I have to go to work soon, but I just couldn't stop reading. I have never felt the need to comment on any other story I've read here until now. Well done sir.

Wow. Just wow.

This is easily one of the most incredible stories I've ever read on the site, and I couldn't put that into words no matter how hard I tried. I did notice a couple of SPAG errors, so I will put those here so I do not forget.

'Role your eyes' instead of 'roll your eyes' on the Celebration age, and one towards the end which was missing a period before a paragraph break - I should've taken note of the page.
Other than that, I would say it was confusing as most of the story was in 2nd person, but occasionally it switched to third.

Those are my very minor nitpicks for the story, however, and I believe eventually this will make it onto the Top Games list. 8/8.