Player Comments on The Wild Adventurers
Spoiler warning! Do not read this comment before playing the story.
The grammar and sentence structure, as well as the length of the pages, was kept very simple. You never really showed any great potential or talent in setting the scenes and showing of your knowledge about writing.
The fact that you put 3 different adventures in this one game has some really heavy downsides.
At first it might seem like a nice idea to choose which place you want to explore most.
The different adventures however are not really worth exploring in my opinion. Every path for itself reads like a children's picture story, save for the pictures.
Let me start with Eric:
His adventure leads us to a jungle with three different areas with fancy sounding names.
So while on his journey he meets different animals. In the first "choice", again the word choice will be in quotation marks because in this game basically all choices are just fake choices, he either ends up tripping and presumably breaking his neck, or he ends up being carried through the forest by the monkeys.
Why on earth do they help him though? Just because he is friendly? In any adventure movie the monkeys would rather stop him from reaching the jewel.
Then the butterflies for some reason are so heavy he can not get up anymore. Why are the butterflies more evil than the monkeys?
And lastly a hippo carries him safely across the water instead of attacking him. Would the hippo really let someone ride on it? It is a wild animal after all.
And of course there is a sign telling him to walk around the cave instead of inside.
Coming to Tracy:
It is nice that she chooses swimming either left or right, but would that really differ that much? It is an ocean right? She can just swim straight towards her goal.
The sea creatures are her friends I get that much. When did they arrive though? You only get the option to ask one of them. On the other hand you never mentioned they were there in the first place you simply told us the reef is quite lively.
And, like SentinelPenguin already mentioned, you could have at least made the effort to add a branch where the pirate ship carried her to a different place and she needs to get back on track from there.
The shark guarding the entrance is kind of cliche. Why again were we stopped in the first place when he just lets us through after asking? Nobody knows I guess.
Arctic exploration sounds fun at first, but again we know already how to get to the place we want to go to.
It just leads us to a monster from a different universe that is immediately friendly towards us. Always eat his yellow snow right?
And of course we can meet santa and become an elf. That was never the goal, but why is that a fail to the adventure? You could have at least made it a real ending.
All in all it is just far to linear. every adventure has one straight set path. There is no branching at all. In my opinion you could have made this three separate stories with much more detail, and branching, and interesting endings. That would have taken just a bit more effort and willingness on your side. For me this is just a halfhearted attempt at creating a storygame here.
2/8 from me because nearly all choices lead to your "death". I am putting death in quotation marks because in this game it means you loose without dying.
on 3/10/2020 11:00:35 AM with a score of 0
It's got good grammar and a decent amount of effort put into it, and the language used is efficient enough that I could definitely imagine a bunch of kids on a camping trip actually paying attention to it. However, this isn't a story without issues, and I think it could be improved a bit. Firstly, don't do 'left vs. right' choices with little input as to where either path will end up. It's lazy, it doesn't really engage anyone, and you've clearly put thought into the jokes on either end of the choices, so you could just as easily clue us in vaguely to what results we'd be headed toward.
Although, the results are where the other biggest issue lies. More than half of the choices lead to a dead end, and more often than not we're forced to take the goofiest option. I've been a boy scout before, so I know silliness is the greatest hallmark for stories to tell campers, (That, and Indiana Jones and/or Star Wars references, but this story does well enough without any blatant ones.) but if you wanted it to be a true CYOA, I'd suggest preparing multiple choices that seem stupid, with a tongue-in-cheek twist for each one, and branching off from there. I feel like the only choice I made was on the character select screen, and that's no bueno for a storygame. Like I said, silliness or really cheesy horror is the hallmark of any memorable camping story, and if you're going for the first, feel free to go wild with it. Stuff that would have ended your adventure in this game should instead continue it. How does Sam deal with going on an adventure when his coat is too heavy to walk around? If Eric burns his map, what kind of misadventures could he get up to on the alternae route? If Tracy's tail gets stuck to a pirate ship, what kind of places would it take her before she got free? These ideas are fun, and it's not like you have to build up a great deal of internal logic for a story like this. If you're going to tell a CYOA to multiple people, let alone a bunch of kids, a story that's 90% death pages or something to similar effect is never a good thing.
on 9/2/2018 4:57:08 AM with a score of 0
This commits the cardinal sin of CYA, which is to pose choices with almost no context for the choice. It's not just left/right, but explore/don't explore with no information about tactical information or the stakes. There's almost no personality or interesting prose here.
on 4/28/2019 12:54:39 PM with a score of 0
Not a fan of "turn right or turn left" options that end in death that give no indication whatsoever of why you would pick one over the other. Honestly when that happened I pretty much lost interest.
on 9/24/2018 8:29:08 PM with a score of 0
It is short and without real depth. What do you think about keeping your focus on one of the three characters? That guy can even live through all those three adventures! Yeah.
Bonus: Your Eric route has a bug at the end. I die, but there is still a branch to ride the hippo. On the other side - maybe it is just a cool feature.
on 8/13/2018 3:30:04 PM with a score of 0
How to get killed in the jungle 101
on 8/9/2018 12:55:44 PM with a score of 0
This is actually really cute and I especially like the part where it gives almost certainly deadly advice to children. That's right little boy, you climb right on that hippo's back and get a fun surprise! ^_^
on 8/8/2018 5:42:19 PM with a score of 0
This a pretty gold children's story. There's not much that's actually bad with it, just it seemed to need a bit more expansion. If you made it a really cool adventure, with items and variables, it would be even better.
on 8/6/2018 1:00:47 AM with a score of 0
i felt like i was railroaded out of making sensible choices on this one! It was kinda funny though
on 8/1/2018 4:45:58 PM with a score of 0