Player Comments on These Shackled Souls

Okay, this is now my joint favourite in the contest (I have yet to read Fluxion's entry, so there's still room to have three favourites).

I really enjoyed this storygame, if that wasn't obvious by it being my favourite alongside As Ink. Somewhere, I have a well-worn copy of a book of the Arabian Nights, and Aladdin is, of course, one of my favourite stories from it...as well as enjoying the original Disney version of Aladdin. And while this storygame did deviate from the original story of Aladdin, I did very much enjoy it...both on its own merits and as coming from one of my favourite Arabian Nights stories.

I will say that I'm not a big fan of two different first person viewpoints. This is probably more of a personal choice and didn't really detract from my enjoyment of the storygame, but I did keep being thrown when I didn't look at the top to check which character I was following along for the ride.

I really liked both Bly'therra and Zasper as characters, although I didn't really like Zasper at first; mostly because I had an issue with him ensuring two guards were imprisoned just for doing their jobs. However, his use of telling a story as a distraction was more charming than I'd anticipated, and as the storygame went on and I learned more about him, it was easy to start liking him. Of course, if I'd made other choices, I might have ended up disliking him by the end of the storygame.

Bly'therra was easier to connect to as a character. Her desire for freedom was something I could empathise with, and I could understand why she was so willing to capture people's souls. However, I was extremely sad when I learned the background of the pink soul right at the beginning. As much as I could understand Bly'therra's feelings...the fate of the little girl made me very upset.

I really liked the interactions between Bly'therra and Zasper when they were both disguised. Part of that was, of course, because of the nod to Aladdin, but I also felt that the two of them let their guards down around each other when they were disguised...ironic, considering they were hiding who they truly were.

I really liked the buildup of this storygame to the final war between the humans and the night-creatures. I thought you did a really good job of showing that neither side was truly good or truly evil, even if there were individuals who could fall on either side of that coin. And the Sultan was someone I had very mixed feelings about. On the one hand, he was far from a good man, considering how he treated many of his subjects. On the other hand, he did have some good points...especially about a leader needing to be prepared for war, but hope for peace.

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this storygame. It was really well-written, with a lot of thought and work put into it. I enjoyed getting to know the characters and exploring the world, and it's definitely another world I'd like to revisit some time in the future.

The imagery is phenomenal, both literally and metaphorically. Great job at painting scenes and characters to be as “real” as they were. The thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc of all the characters, even the minor ones were spot on. Descriptive enough to feel like you were truly watching the characters on display, but not so much so that the plot became distant or muddled.
Interesting take having Bible verses be the transition pages between scenes/parts. Really helped set the mood as we transitioned to the next setting. Also, provided a bit of foreshadowing.
Not a fan of the multiple references to Aladdin. I found them to be cheesy and distracting, as they pulled me away from the story. The story was extremely well written, and could stand on its own without the crutch of a Disney film. An actual, audible “oh gross” was released when the “let your heart decide” line was read. It continued to get worse as more traits from Aladdin were revealed- introducing a thief named Ali and his pet monkey, Abu, a magic carpet ride, etc. I know the description states its a retelling of Aladdin, but I believe you write well enough to do more deviation than what was presented. You could have changed the magic carpet/carpet ride to another magical experience. Also, you could have changed Ali and Abu to different people and animals, as well as have them portray a different position other than a thief. You also could have scratched the idea of Aladdin completely, because again, the story stood strong enough on its own without the Aladdin details.
Overall- very well written, loved all the details and build up to the next scene, but could have done without all the Disney

OVERALL
This is some of the most immersive and dramatic storytelling on the site. Maybe I'm a little biased due to my childish/feminine love of a good romance, but I absolutely adored this story. Would highly recommend it to absolutely everyone.

Spoilers beyond this. Duh.

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CHARACTERS
Bly’therra: Distinctly human, but broken. So tragically broken. I felt for her and grieved for her. The descriptions of her being burnt alive as a child are so chilling, and it’s hard not to root for a happy end for this poor, poor girl.

Zasper: Witty, likeable, and yet detestable at times. A truly rounded character. The two are mirrors of each other and play off of each other well.

The Sultan: A man who loves his kingdom, his daughter, and nothing else. The picture of a greedy and corrupted leader, but he never becomes a caricature.

Zeyan: The only trait I could see in him was being a braggart. To be fair, though, that might be all there is to him. Some people are woefully shallow.

The other brothers: All unique in their own special, side-character-y way.

There was an obvious focus on the characterization of our two narrators, and sometimes they blurred into each other a little. But overall, I think this section was done very well.

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BRANCHING
I feel as though you originally planned to allow me to choose between creating a mirage of the princess or bringing her there myself, but cut that off. Perhaps it would be better to cut the bit where the genie is weighing both options if I don’t get to actually make the choice.

I really don’t think there’s enough of a buildup to convince me to go to the dining hall. It literally tells me there’s a trap there, so she KNOWS, and proceeds with no caution.

Most of the branching I found is more of the “this link makes you die, and this link does not” variety. Sometimes it did feel a little like I was being railroaded onto one “true” path and “true” ending, and my choices were of little consequence.

I chose to eliminate the two brothers whose names start with F at the beginning, and yet it’s the twins who come to torment me and say I abandoned them to die.

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PLOT
It pulls you in from the start, for sure.
I love the unique concept here. You also outline the stakes really well for both POVs.
Ohhhh, the genie took on the form of the princess. That’s smart. I must’ve missed something that said that, maybe? Or perhaps I really was meant to put it together myself.

I honestly forgot to be taking notes during this. I got very wrapped up in the story; it felt less like I was reading a free thing online with an author I can communicate my thoughts to and more like I was reading a real book. This is so indescribably high-quality.

The plot is enthralling. I felt genuinely upset at the characters’ failures, and the fact that both of them disguised themselves and lied to each other and fell for each version of the other was such a wonderful choice. I have no words, Mystic. This reminds me why I love your writing so incredibly much.

Yeah, bit too much of a jump between “Defying Death” and the “Vesperi of the Illusions” epilogue for me. Even just a page showing everyone react to that choice, and my subsequent ascension, would seal it for me.

I appreciate how at the end, both have to choose to follow their hearts and not chase what they THOUGHT they wanted.

I would like to be able to continue one person’s story after the other dies, in maybe even just one branch.
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WRITING STYLE
Speaking of loving your writing. Wow. Your style is so dramatic and serious, and it flows so nicely. There are moments of humor, but the overall feel is… regal, is the word that comes to mind. A couple of times (particularly during a couple of the humorous bits) the word choice seemed to not fit in with the rest of the story, but it hardly broke immersion. I have no real complaints here.

At first I was a little thrown off by the little jumps in time after some of the choices, but altogether it had a cool effect.

Also I loved the choice to split this between two protagonists. The POV shifts were handled flawlessly and really added to the narrative as opposed to feeling like a gimmick.

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SPAG
On “the vesperi of the storm”, paragraph 31, you use the word ‘demeanors’ incorrectly. You may mean ‘misdemeanors’
On “the emerald green elixir”, paragraph 11, “attention starved” should be hyphenated
On the same page, four paragraphs down, “bright-red” should not be
On “show of magic”, paragraph 27, it should be “because HE doesn’t try to stop me”
“The Vizier”, paragraph 13. Should be “I cannot TELL him this”
“The Grand Entrance”, paragraph 17. Missing the L in ‘Sultaness’
Also, ‘Sultaness’ is spelled with only one ‘n’
“Thief in the Night”, 25th paragraph after the page break. Extra space after “Bly’therra”
>If I am caught, I would never be able to become the next Sultan.
“Secrets & Lies”, third paragraph from the end. Should either be “if I was caught” or “I will never”. I’d go with the latter. Can’t change tense mid-sentence!
“The Traitorous Thief”, third paragraph to the end. The line has an extra space before the first quote.
>“If that is the truth, the life of the Sultaness and her heir are in danger.”
Same page, last line. Should be “lives”

There’s a noticeable gap in plot between “The Traitorous Thief” and “The Rescue”

“A Candid Confession”, ninth paragraph up. You say “Sultanness” with two n’s again. You write it correctly sometimes, and incorrectly others. It’s said both ways throughout the story.
> Save him, true freedom means standing up for what you believe in, no matter the consequence
The link on “Defying Death”. Should be two sentences.
“Defying Death”, eighth paragraph down. There shouldn’t be a comma after “through the air”, as the next clause is a dependent clause directly connected to the independent clause before it.

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OTHER

> Stealing is fun. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.
Lol. I like this line.
> He rolls his eyes in a very unprincely manner.
And this one.

Oh, a direct quote from Aladdin. I wasn’t expecting that.

I rather enjoy the strange parallels between this and Aladdin.

> But thoughts are not grains of sand. They cannot be scattered by a storm.
Absolute perfection

>Some people say it is best to never meet your heroes. Now, I see why that is true.
This line, with its placement, hits home hard. The page break, the drama right before, the sudden slowing of the pace… it couldn’t be better.

“Any last words?” is kinda overused, and I’ve seen it in two separate scenarios, from two separate characters, in this story. A cliché can work once. Not twice

>But if not, may the winds dust the sand from your feet and may the stars never lead you astray.
Wow, that is beautifully poetic.

The drowning is so like the scene where Aladdin drowns in… well, Aladdin. But it’s also so satisfyingly different. Soothing to the soul :)

>How can you tell someone that you’ve just realised—despite your better judgement, all common sense, and every thread of your nature—you are in love with them?
The delaying of the final clause here is masterfully done.

>Also, thank you to my 'secret keeper' for helping me keep my identity a secret, especially when I nearly gave it away in the middle of the contest.
:)

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conclusion.
I loved it. Kudos, Mystic, really. This is one of the most polished and novel-esque stories on the site. Sure, there are small problems, but there are more than enough amazing and awe-inspiring moments and executions to make up for those. 8/8

This was one of the best storygames I've read here. Excellent relationship development, and excellent world building.

The things I didn't like:
Why oh why did you have to sneak in the Disney lyric lol. Although I'm a hypocrite, because I did that in my dick-joked story Slay the Dragon. But it was just a bit of a fourth wall break. Some people like that stuff, so I'm not judging.

The only other complaint I had is the ending feels like it came together a beat to cleanly and too quickly.


But other than those minor complaints, this was just an amazing story. You did a phenomenal job from start to finish. There are things here you rarely see, such as the breathing room for characters to develop, authentic relationships, and sorrow that is shown as much as told (usually it's just tell tell tell).

Best of all was your world creation and re-imagining of the Aladdin myth. This was so well done.

This one is definitely worth the read, and it's a shame people are being scared away by the length at this point. I suspect some people might say it's a bit linear, but ten out of ten times I want a good story rather than a bazillion choices, and that is exactly what you delivered here: A really, really good story.

OMG I love this game. So far I have only made it through once but I will certainly come back for more. I read the first few pages from most of the storygames that were submitted to this contest and there were so many good ones. Though, this is the story that I got immediately hooked on.

The writing is very light with short paragraphs that make reading a bliss and fit the playful tone perfectly. I wish for more stories in this style. In some places a dialogue tag would have helped me, but it was fine.

The two protagonists worked very well, and I can see how the first person helped to make it fly--clever choice. The tension created by the back and fourth was great. And really enjoyed the pacing which led to nice progression and eventual escalation.

The only complaint I could possibly come up with is that at times it felt westernized. The incorporation of Christian elements and western myths, as well as some word choice (when the guards du their 'job', not their duty, or when the sultan 'takes his turban off' rather than unwinding it) I felt a little bit like I was reading the Disney version, rather than an Arabic tale. This is probably a singular view and most readers will probably don't even notice it, so better ignore me.

In summary this is a fantastic tale. I will come back to it and read more and probably think about it even longer--but now I must go back into my lamp.

Once more, I regret procrastination. A fantastic game, and a fantastic story. This truly, for me, is nearly on par with Shadow Of A God-King. It's now in my top five favorite stories I've read on the site.