Player Comments on Twilight of Apocalypse: Pt 1

First off the writing is very awkward. For example "She looks around and spots a shovel". It just seemed like out of no where that a shovel appears and somehow on the road with cars. Secondly there was little to no use of the items. I picked up two guns, a wallet, and a shovel and didn't use a a single one. The only use you have for the wallet is to throw it at the dog and then it kills you.
And speaking of dying. Apparently EvAngel (the writer) wanted to remind me of how stupid I was for dying in this game. The writer kept insulting me throughout the game for not choosing the choices that he wanted me too. Overall needs a lot of work and stop making the reader feel like shit.

Its short (accepting its a part one still means its short/demo). Some interesting details but too many choices are simply 'do this or intant death' and the random insults for what are not always bad choices are annoying. Insults in a joking way for REALLY dumb choices are fine dependant on the game type but insulting smart choices simply because they didnt make the choice you wanted alienates readers very quickly.

That was strange. I just picked up a gun, but I didn't get to use it. Anyways, insulting the reader for making a wrong decision is never a good idea, unless the game is random and the insults are funny. Other than that, not an awful lot got done in the game. I know it's only part one but didn't really feel like anything happened except the player discovered that zombies exist.

Alrighty. Well done for a first game, but it's a little hypocritical to tell people to be gentle with you because it's your first, and then call them stupid whenever they make a wrong choice. Especially considering the choice does not always directly correlate to what happens. Watch your grammar, it was better than most but the flow of your sentences doesn't feel quite right. You say beach like fifteen times in the first paragraph :P

It was decent and you obviously put some time into it, so that's a positive. Make sure you don't ever create links like: "Run around until her head explodes". What's the point in creating a choice like that? Finally, I suggest reading: Mommy Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight as well as Ground Zero, to see how it's done.

'Restart, stupid.'

Having this story unpublished is not enough, in a just world the author would be punished with some kind of terrible medical condition.

Easily one of the most enraging stories I've ever clicked through.

What can I say that hasn't already been said? Good job for a first game! It's farther than I've gotten. Now down to the details. As nearly everyone else has pointed out, insulting the reader for making a wrong choice seems out of place in this game. There are games that can get away with it because they are tongue in cheek. This doesn't seem like one of those and actually serves to detract us from taking it seriously. That being said, even in games that are tongue in cheek, they avoid insulting the reader for every poor choice otherwise the joke gets stale.

There isn't enough description to the scenery to make it immersive at all. There is some, but not enough. Part of what makes a game like this is the scenery. Are you in the middle of a panicking civilization about to break down? Or are you the last person listening to that announcement and are traversing a relatively desolate city? Are there just a few zombies or is the city infested?

The structure of the story seems a little jumpy because there don't seem to be many transitions between your descriptions. In the first paragraph we established that we were on a beach, the beach had few people, the character has a car and was looking to surf (or had already surfed). That's all in the span of three sentences, which makes it feel a little choppy.

This may be more a personal gripe than anything, but I'm not a fan of the 3rd person writing style used here. It wasn't until the second page that I realized the Lauren that the whole first page was talking about was actually the main character.

The pacing of this game is rather strange because if you look at it from start to finish, not a lot is accomplished. The character listens to a message, gets in their car and avoids an accident, finds a dying man and somehow charms his dog, and then is attacked by a zombie. I understand there is another part to this game but still why give us items we won't use? How will you know if the reader has them for part 2?

This is nitpicking, but not really sure an EMP blast would cause the kind of damage to people as is does to electronics.

This story actually has some solid potential. With a little bit of extra polish it could be a great storygame. I look forward to the next installment.

Cool

This was a very decent storygame. But it was not perfect(what is honestly?).On the first page you sound very redundant by saying beach several times. I suggest you replace these with synonyms like shore, seaside etc. I did not catch any grammar or spelling errors.
The flow of the story was very odd and seemed rushed at times. I suggest you expand on the story a bit more and about the main character and describe events with more detail.
Don't give up and do your best!

Not many options, quite short, but the writing itself was ok. Btw, when I say not many options, I mean most are a dead end so you end up having to pick one anyway.

I really liked it but it could use a bit more padding out, also add pictures to the items and a few more choices rather than the right path or death.

i really like this sort of book, it's alot like the book i read about zombie survival or just zombies and survival.
it was soooo my cup of tea and i can't wait to read the rest.
i also like how it was easy to read and wasn't jam-packed with useless information.
A BIG 'YES' FROM ME MATE.
KEEP GOING WITH THE GREAT WORK! ;)

Ok, so 911 has a busy signal? I guess you wanted drama, so moving on, why on EARTH is protecting yourself from a potentially rabid dog about to attack you a stupid move?!

What?

It was a decent story. I didn't die very often, so I didn't run into the teasing that everyone else was complaining obout, but I can see how that would be annoying. Maybe you should only make fun of us for choosing options that don't make sense.

Please be gentle with this?

Please be fucking gentle when you call your readers dumbasses? Fuck you.

Unemotional. And how could she suddenly know that the man who attacked her was a zombie. For me, it felt like I was going to the beach. This should be placed under love. 2/8

Linear, and insulting when the choice was logical. How could I expect that the brakes are broken, when the game describes it as a random happenstance?
Also, stupid me. I should know better then to change channels. If I do, some random explosion shall destroy me.

nice story could be longer

I never got to use the items, but other than that it was fun.

Not the best. Very short

For a linear story to work, it needs to be well-written. This story doesn't work.
Don't put items in if the player doesn't need them/never gets the chance to use them.
Every death links insults the player for choosing it. How am I supposed to know that I'm an idiot for not praying over the corpses in the car?
It's an all right idea, but the execution needs work.

Very Important Tip 5: "When you write, DO NOT give your player an option, if when they choose that option, you call them stupid for doing it. Remember, it's never the players fault for choosing it, it's your fault for giving them the option."
Still, you did put forth some effort. Oh, also-
Gimme an L! Gimme an I! Gimme an N! Gimme oh, you know where this is going.

linear

nice game please make part 2 long one please

Okay seriously some parts sounded interesting but they just weren't really detailed and the choices that weren't the 'right' ones were all bullshit.

And the items, not needed, if you don't pick up the gun, or the shovel, you can still continue the 'story' without consequence.

Still, first game's allowed to be bad I guess, hope your next one is better.

Good idea gone awry. I'm not exactly the best story maker on here, but I do know a few things you should never ever do when making a story. The main one you did, was have choices like, "Run around til her head explodes" never have choices like these that are just there for the player to ignore, or die just to be called stupid. That's not good choice making... in fact that's not choice making at all. Linear doesn't mean it will be bad, but at least have choices with a point.

You lose when you remove the bodies from the car. How is that sick? You could give them a burial which is respectful, not sick. Plus, Lauren jumps back from EVERYTHING she sees. And it's kinda linear.

If you could work on the realism of it all

i reeeeeeeeally got tired of being called stupid whenever i tried changing up strategy. apparently there is only one path through this one. thanks for the addition, but please make more paths next time. this is a multipath site after all.

1- An EMP disables integrated circuits, it doesn't create gas, fumes, etc...

2- Linear = not good

3- Practically no descriptive writing here

4- Calling people stupid for taking choices YOU enabled

5- Choices that randomly kill you; Eg brakes not working for no reason at all.

6- Useless items

7- Too short to be broken into parts. Muuuch to short.

8- You could have included everything in that story on one page. The reader knows virtually nothing.

9- Zombies.

OK, one more comment. You should know that not every wrong choice has to end in death. That's why it's a CYOA. When it does, like in your storygame, we call that "linear" and you should try and avoid it.

Played again. Three more comments.
1) Why are you breaking this up into parts? It's definitely nowhere near long enough to justify that decision.
2) Having a death link on the first page (or the first like 15) is a bad idea, I don't like that.
3) We don't ever get to use our items, it's as if you got lazy and just ended it. Also, it must be a linear game if you're intending to make those items carry over into the second one.

Still, a good effort.