Player Comments on White Light

The basic premise is full of potential, but as supportive as I want to be, I don't think this story is very good. Most of the writing is competent when you overlook the typos and improper grammar, though the story itself isn't engaging both as a choose your own adventure game and as a narrative. With some editing, fleshing out of characters, motivations, setting, and story, and impactful choices, I think this could be a great game! Best of luck.

I like all of the choice you have

This was rather confusing. I wish there were more options to choose from.

In your description you said you had transformed a short story into this story game. And that is exactly what this looks like. There was one plot, with synthetic decision points that only had one right answer back to the one and only plot. The story game isn't the correct medium for that. The plot has to be flexible and interactive for this format. With meaningful decisions that shape the overall plot.

i lost quickly...


oof

short I didn't really like it but that is just my opinion.

It’s more like the preface to a story than actually a story. Also every “choice” isn’t really a choice. One option means death and the other continues the very short story.

I liked the idea but would have preferred the story continue. Perhaps havethe aliens abduct him. Give some kind of explanation for why this jerk is so mean. Build some story on the outline. It’s a good start but seems incomplete.

Pros
- I genuinely liked the beginning. Managed to catch my interest and created a fairly well fleshed out character.
- The idea behind the story is interesting

Cons
- Misspelling
- Confusing wording
- Poor grammar
- Incredibly linear, by far the most linear game I've played on this website

Summary: The idea behind the story was great, and you had a strong start, but it quickly fizzled out after a few pages. 2/8

make it more scary and intense also if you can add sound effects.

So, it's an interesting concept, but it felt a bit short. I had a lot of questions that could've been answered had it just been longer. And to reiterate what everyone else is saying, you need to work on your grammar. A few more choices, some more detail, and a bit more backstory would really make this great.

I noticed a few spelling and grammar errors, but otherwise, it's pretty good.

You have a good premise but very poor execution. Spelling and grammar errors are rampant through out, very little detail is given at times when it would be useful. Just needs a little work and could be a much better story

Nice.

That was pretty good, well done!

I don't understand the plot that much...

Could've been better, I look forward to seeing much more to a sequel :D keep at it though!

The story had grammatical errors and the story was too short.

Well the story wasn't bad but I was confused by the bit that said "there were people (at least I pray they were people) burnt down to skeletons." ... Well that's not very nice is it? :p

Seth says HELL NO!!!!!!!! Short, boring, and in the beginning you were forced to make certain choices or the game was over. A horrible story all around. I gave you an extra point for no reason. 2/8

kinda confusing

Nice setting

NIce story. 5/8

Good story, but too linear. Either you choose one way or die (or go to jail)

Great story, but if you want to make a storygame out of it, you would need several stories that link.

It's an excellent story, but it should remain a short story. I suppose this is how you share a short story with a CYOA site, but there's a reason we're a CYOA site.

Alright, watch the spelling and grammar. This was poor for a CYOA, you can actually see where you copy and pasted the story and just added on death endings and stubs at intervals. Really lazy. You should have written something new instead of simply copy and pasted and mutilated a short story. Still the writing was ok.

You should have left this as a short story. The writing was good, but you didn't have enough to draw the reader into a CYOA.

I'd just post the original on the forums, or increase the length and have another character abducted or something.