NagitoKomaeda, The Reader
I'm a bored student who likes writing and likes games, so here I am.
I've been a huge fan of this site for years, but for a while I didn't have the motivation or patience to continuously work on creating a project of my own for this site. Of course, with the whole quarantine shenanigans, I now have the time to consistently work on these things.
I plan on publishing my first storygame soon, a small murder mystery that contains elements of the games Danganronpa, Ace Attorney, and Your Turn to Die.
Also here's some free good vibes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5-sx4hLw_s&t=198s
WARNING: THIS IS MUCH MORE LIKE A GAME THAN A STORYGAME, IN THAT THERE ARE PLENTY OF "MINIGAMES" AND THAT THERE ARE FEW ENDINGS.
Play as a Detective who is usually called when people don't want the case to have publicity by being exposed to the police or media. You investigate discreetly and alone, find the guilty party using your own justice system where you and all the suspects discuss the killer together, and through your connections get that person subsequently arrested and put on trial.
On this night, you've been called to North Side High, where the Principal has been murdered in the middle of a private conference meeting. It's your job to catch the killer.
Note: This storygame has gameplay elements from the games Danganronpa, Ace Attorney, and Kimi Ga Shine. While the characters and stories are all of my creation, the minigames within all come from these games.
Recent PostsCorona Tag! on 4/7/2020 9:05:05 PM
So it's both, then. Good to know.
Corona Tag! on 4/7/2020 8:59:20 PM
I can't tell if this is way over a thousand words or the large font and pictures make it seem longer than it is.
NEW GAME PROJECT RED ARE THE ROSES on 4/7/2020 8:55:27 AM
Thanks for the clarification! That makes a lot more sense now.
I thought Chubby Dolores was the teacher because it mentioned earlier that the science teacher was chubby as well, so I simply assumed that they were the same person. That was a mistake on my part.
NEW GAME PROJECT RED ARE THE ROSES on 4/7/2020 2:18:03 AM
Speaking of which, here's some edits for you from what I've seen on this page.
- Too many similes/metaphors. They aren't really necessary to the text, and while an occasional one certainly helps, having three in this small scene is definitely too much.
- I really don't understand anything in the paragraph starting with "The chubby bachelor science teacher ...." 'The glasses of glasses in the color of the American flag' needs to be clarified because I have no idea what that could mean, and we don't know whose 'honeyed, yet sharp voice' is speaking: you say 'it's,' but that implies that it doesn't belong to a human, which has never been referred to before. Maybe I'm just dumb and missing something, though.
- Instead of "You look around feeling how the crowd that swallows you, once all classes come together on the way to the underground bunker of the school, as everything is segregated in the perfect MacArthur's anti-communist hive," I would suggest something closer to "As all the classes come together on the way to the underground bunker of the school, you feel as if the crowd has swallowed you." The segregation anti-communist hive doesn't really make sense in that paragraph- how could everything be segregated if everyone is crowding together? At the very least, this needs clarification.
- You use "the tedium" twice in a few paragraphs, which is really me being nitpicky, but it feels a slight bit repetitive.
- When Chubby Dolores tells us about Theodore, we have no idea who Theodore is- no description, no background, etc. It also feels rushed that our science teacher is giving us dating advice in the middle of some air raid. It might be better if our main character eyes Theodore in the class or just thinks about Theodore before the alarms go off, so that the player has the chance to absorb all the information about them instead of suddenly just hearing their name.
- "BOOM! The thunderous noise of the bombs that raining as fire over the military base, before you can answer her" has a weird spacing that doesn't make great grammatical sense. Something that would tie those thoughts together more would be "Before you can answer her, a thunderous boom fills your ears, noise from one of the bombs raining as fire over the military base." The onomatopoeia is hard to make work in there because it splits one thought into two- your conversation with Dolores.
- There are some spots where commas are needed, but that can be fixed with a quick read-through, so I won't point them all out.
Wow, I went all out with this. Sorry if this was way too much.
NEW GAME PROJECT RED ARE THE ROSES on 4/7/2020 1:59:41 AM
Since this hasn't received much attention, I don't mind helping with this. The idea sounds really good, and I'd love to help this grow.
I'm not a well-known person at all on this site (I've only been active ever since the quarantine started), so I understand if you think I'm not qualified.
A Tale of Theft and Guns: New Directions on 4/5/2020 12:23:54 AM
I do like the option of 'picking sides'- it definitely seems to be setting up for Simon and Jerome to be heavy clashing bigtime, and for the player to choose which one to support.
Ford's Articles Of Interest on 4/4/2020 9:00:54 PM
Here is some guy named Brad Hunter's analysis and summary of The Tipping Point, an amazing book that talks about how social epidemics come to be.
I don't know if this counts as an article, but you could label it that way and it's certainly informative:
Corona Tag! on 4/4/2020 8:49:58 PM
I won't really go into quality of writing. Writing skill is something that improves mainly through a lot of reading and practicing writing, not someone critiquing you until you get it right. And since this is your first story, it's completely fine if you aren't the best at it.
I just want to advise you about paragraph spacing. When you write, the paragraphs should be broken up when a person speaks (or if the person speaking switches). For example ...
"Here's some fancy dialogue," said Sandra.
"I wouldn't call that fancy," Ethan responded.
This is really the main mistake you had in this. Sometimes, it's hard to keep track on the type of text being written (thoughts, dialogue, description) if you don't space them out from each other. Even if you end up with 30 ten-word lines of dialogue that wastes a lot of space, it clears up what's going on in the story. The other times when you use paragraph spacing (ex. new setting, new concepts/descriptions, etc.) you did well in, so I won't comment on that.
That's pretty much it. If you're new to writing like this, don't beat yourself up about the quality: just try to expose yourself to more literature in general and you'll find that will help you more than just practicing writing or looking things up. Not to sound like an overbearing parent, but it's absolutely true that reading broadens your horizons, and helps you learn to write by example. I just wanted to give a few tips on structure.
Corona Tag! on 4/4/2020 3:38:35 PM
Alright. That's a bit more reassuring. I was worried you would end up with four total storygames that each have 20-30 pages.
Corona Tag! on 4/4/2020 3:05:23 PM
Alright, that's a bit odd. If I'm hearing what you're saying correctly, then that means that you're having multiple storygames stemming from one storygame. For example:
Heist Success Ending -> Storygame A
Heist Fail Ending -> Storygame B
Don't Do Heist -> Storygame C
Of course that is a hypothetical example.
Some storygames have sequels that only stem from one ending - what could be seen as the "true ending" - where the story takes a completely different path. However, if you're doing multiple storygames that are sequels to one original storygame, I would think that it would be better to just expand your first storygame to have more endings.
Like, instead of getting caught in the middle of the heist being an end page, you just continue the story to have more diverse endings. Your storygame is rather short, so I would think that wouldn't be too much of a problem. The point is that it's a bit of a hassle to exit out of a storygame and open a new one to continue the story when you could just expand the first one. The storgygames that DO have sequels are usually quite long and detailed, their length and complexity being the primary reason that the writer just doesn't work on it anymore and publishes it (with a satisfying ending, of course).
Of course, this is just my suggestion. The choice really is only yours in the end.