Serpent, The Wordsmith
Hello I’m Serpent. I’m basically a nobody right now as I have barely posted on the forums and am most active in the discord. If anyone has any stories to recommend, tips on writing, just want to chat feel free to DM me. Also if anyone needs any proofreading I’m down. Though I’m not the best I can look at it through an objective lense
1. Rate 250 stories (progress 215)
2. Get 500 points
3. Have 20 reviews featured (Progress 6)
4. Publish a storygame
Ozoni's newbie duel: Sorced low
Serpent vs Karstark: Lost
Serpent vs Zombie29: Won
Graveyard of all of the people who lost their lives at the hands of Serpent:
Recent PostsRIP Serpent on 8/25/2019 6:46:45 PM
I call innocence. I never impersonated anyone after the chef. You think I would take that risk after it was clear that if I did it then I would be banned from the discord? It is even easy for you to check!
A Tale of Warmth and Flames on 8/23/2019 5:37:26 PM
Thanks for your feedback. I've outlined some major points, and after settling on his past I now need to make the reader like him. I'll try writing more and try what ninja suggested
A Tale of Warmth and Flames on 8/23/2019 5:34:35 PM
Thanks! Your information has been helpful. I can't wait to use it to better myself as a writer
A Tale of Warmth and Flames on 8/22/2019 4:34:02 PM
Thanks for the feedback!
As for your first criticism, there is a tragic event. I just haven't reveled it yet. Do you think there is anything I could do to make the reader more drawn to him, before I revel what it is? Or is that even necessary?
As for your more technical criticism, I'm try to work on that. The sentence that you pointed out felt the most awkward to read aloud. I almost removed the secound part, but I didn't. Without it I like the flow of the that paragraph better though.
A Tale of Warmth and Flames on 8/21/2019 11:57:49 PM
The familiar sound of gravel crunching under his feet. The sight of everything he knew fading from his view. The feeling of burning every bridge, using every friend, and regretting his choices, only to do the exact same thing again. It was almost a pattern by now. He was used to these feelings. They shouldn't be able to hurt him anymore.
Nonetheless there was always one friend. Always one person, who only wanted to help. Always one bridge that was hardest to burn.
Funny how all of the orphanages tried so hard to prevent him from leaving, but once he was out of town it was like he never existed. No one came for him.
"Just run. Your worthless anyway. The longer you stay, the more you will hurt those you leave behind. You know you will do it anyway. So why wait for a fit of anger to come along? Just do it now. It is better that way."
His own thoughts betrayed him, and while he did ignore them, they always ended up correct. No one cared about him. The only people who did he betrayed.
"I'm not in the wrong. I just left them before they could leave me. It was self defense."
While he tried to justify his actions, he knew that his argument was wrong deep inside himself. Though humans will do anything they can to shift blame, and he was no exception.
He has been running for two hours now. He had to be approaching the next town soon. Once he was there he would start over. He would beg some shady guy to take him in exchange for work. Live in some dusty basement for four years until he is legal, then beg for money on the streets. Not the best life, but far better than he deserved.
Rain started pouring. Slowly at first, but quickly evolving into extreme winds and jets of water falling from the sky. Nevertheless he marched on. Marching for an unknown distance, through uncanny weather, for an uncertain outcome.
After about four hours of walking the town was nowhere to be seen. He knew it couldn't be far, but in this weather he had to stop. He walked over to a pine tree near the road and laid under it. With the tree as partial shelter, and rain sounds pounding his ears, he drifted into unconsciousness.
A Tale of Warmth and Flames on 8/21/2019 11:55:43 PM
This is just something that I decided to write. The motivation hit me so I went with it. I did proofread it before hand, and I do plan on continuing. This is about what I am capable of at the moment as a writer, and any feedback, or tips on improving would be greatly appreciated. I am trying to widen my skill, and eventually I might even become competent. Who knows? Anyway I hope you enjoy
Colored Lines and Dark Tunnels on 8/21/2019 4:00:28 PM
Looking forward to it. I really enjoy this so far. Hope it does get made into a story game.
Interesting comments 4 on 8/20/2019 4:58:32 PM
That is not true at all. This started out as a story about someone being a edgy overpowered badass. Hence the name and robe. Though due to deadlines and poor planning that was not the end product.
Interesting comments 4 on 8/20/2019 4:42:10 PM
Wait I posted the same thing twice. Ignore this comment
Interesting comments 4 on 8/20/2019 4:30:05 PM
I will agree that that story is a steaming pile of shit. Though I don't understand why you think that this has anything to do with the mods. In any case I can say for sure that the thought of it being interpreted like that never crossed my mind.