SirBakaTheFifth, The Reader
I am a slow writer. A newbie too. I have something short I'm working on though it'll probably take more than a year due to some undesirable traits. I want to make it good though. It is a dating sim. Here's a unfinalized sample:
". . . no need to think about it or I'll surely and woefully regret it. Pushing my phone away, I dive into my pillows. The brewing storm inside is as relentless as ever. My body grew as warm as the summer day heat. Instinctively, my legs abruptly start kicking the mattress. My face, at this point, merged with the pillows... BING! As if the notification was the starting pistol in a race, I jolted up, grabbing my phone."
I hope you enjoyed reading my profile
Recent PostsCorona Tag! on 5/7/2020 8:40:00 PM
His coughs almost sounded like gagging at the comical sight before us. The pure concrete wall had grown two folds higher last time we'd seen it.
"You're goddamn kidding me," I mumbled, exasperated. "The city might as well be surrounded by 100 concrete skyscrapers."
Kipper violently coughed into his mask with his elbow wrapped around it, though, not to stop the spread. He was using it to protect his face from banging into anything surrounding him. I pat him on the back and pushed my head back down on the car seat.
For a while, there's been nothing I can do but wait till his coughing fits cools down. He shook his head while he attempted to clear his throat. A sign that the series of coughs are almost over.
Rolling down the window, Kipper motioned at a few security officers patrolling the underside of the wall. "Looks like there's more of them too, we won't be able to get through the usual way."
A brief silence followed. We both knew that if we didn't get in, we might as well be dead the next following days.
"So what now? The only crazy people who'd buy 60 damn kilograms of Redroad are the Chen group. Those guys at the 7th Highway aren't going to order anytime soon either, they just gained some other supplier."
It'd be troublesome to sell Redroad to any other groups outside of those two. Furthermore, the drug's infamous nature has been spreading like a wildfire. If we go around selling it to minor gangs, we could get tied into a grand trafficking scandal.
I glanced over the lined-up vehicles at our front. For all the eyes could see, most of the bleak landscape outside of the walls was parched and barren, akin to old dried-up tree bark. The concrete road below us was no different. As our truck drove ever closer to the wall checkpoint with no plan at hand, the sun crept under the walls, leaving us in the dark.
The fact that Kipper was also one of the infected posed no help. The Medical Checkpoint Security Scans will put the whole place on alert immediately with his current stage of the infection. Hm? For a moment, I thought I saw Kipper smile.
"AH-AHEM, You remember Barson?" Kipper managed to hack out. "The guard who requested a Dust Model Colt."
An order that was from the opposite coast, great. "Yeah, so what, isn't he in the city of Firion? A late delivery is the least of our worries!"
If he wasn't smiling before, he was grinning like a child now.
"Well actually," he began, as he ruffled around in the glove compartment. "Turns out you'd want more guards if you're building a big wall right? Well~, he got transferred to the city of Porlon and I pieced together a nice scrapped gun chamber at the junkyard to go with the old frame. All while you were out on last delivery."
Giddily, he pulled the polished Dust Model out of the glove compartment, handing it over to me.
"Sigh," what a dunce, I thought. "How about you let me know earlier next time, huh?"
Still, grinning like a child waiting for praise, nothing could shake him when his idiot switch had been flipped. I smile back like an idiot. This kind of stuff isn't too bad once in a while.
"I admit, good job Kip. So keep that up and contact Barson, alright? I'm gonna get us in."
The checkpoint was tighter than my first time. The truck could barely scrape through. I couldn't imagine this is where all Porlon's supply trucks go through. The tunnel was dark and cloudy. The only quaint source of light was from the guard post as he quietly checks our parcel. His parcel.
Barson himself wasn't exceptionally interesting. He was a middle-aged man donned with a nicely kept, greying mustache paired with greying hair. His face was friendly, however, his eyes seemed desperate and exhausted. The uniform he wore was like any other guard. The only strange thing was that he smelled like he was fresh out of a pool. The smell of chlorine was pungent. I tried to not let it bother me.
"Here is how it is going to be. You won't need to pay us. However, we need five entries and five exits from you, into and out of the city. Including this one. What you'll get are the gun and a little a bonus." I wave a few hundred dollars in front of him.
He followed the wad of cash with his eyes. It was extremely unlikely that he'd refuse. Seeing how the city had spent their entire budget on their grand wall, there's a high chance that disposable guards like Barson would be widely underpaid.
He silently considered the proposition. "It's not a problem. I just need one condition. When you enter and exit the city, let me know a day ahead of time. It'll keep suspicion off my back."
"Then prepare yourself for tomorrow morning. We'll be out by then. We won't dig into your business so don't dig into ours, alright fella?"
"Then is it a deal?" He asked.
I handed over the cash, "Same checkpoint, see you tomorrow."
He opened the thick metal gate, and we drove off into the city. I didn't know that I wouldn't see him again.
Kipper roughly cleared his throat. The sounds he makes are like dying German goats. I'm not exactly sure what they sound like, but he sounded like it.
"Ah-ahem. We got in! It was almost too easy!"
"Oi, don't jinx us or anything. We still have to sell off our load." I reply.
"As long as you don't die, we'll be fine," Kipper says with a grin.
Greeted by the dying city of Porlon and a dying Kipper, the city was packed to the brim of tall structures and skyscrapers. The people and traffic were also squeezed tight. Though, we weren't here for those buildings or streets. Driving over the sidewalk, into the alleyways, the truck quietly hummed. We were finally entering Chen territory.
The air was surprisingly stale. I step over to the warehouses where I was set to meet a Chen authority. The private property was swarmed with all sorts of thugs and addicts. Not to mention, the warehouses occupying the property were as large as a small town. Hell, the Chens might as well be their own town. I check the gun in my holster. Everything was set. As long as Kipper can guard the package, we'll be fine, I thought.
One of the subordinates opened the warehouse gates for their boss. There he was. Boss Hyun. He walks towards me, his sweaty chest exposed to the world. I could practically see my reflection off his chest. His muscles and build were also impressively large. He was covered with tattoos that resembled dragons. The two armed escorts beside him were minuscule in comparison. Were they even needed there? He paused at least a meter away from me, forcing me to step back.
"I assume you have them?" Hyun's condescending voice greeted. It was just like in the calls.
"All 60 kilograms of Redroad, yeah, so let's start with $500,000 for all."
"HAHA, you think you're clever? 60 kilos is nearly $280,000." He shoots back.
One kilogram is $4,900, about $294,000. Can't he do any math?
"Buddy, don't blame the price on us, blame it on your wall, gas prices and your huge order. We had to scour across the country to secure this much. You gave us a tough time. $500,000."
"Now now, I'm sure we can barter something to lower that price. Ah! What about two new packs of VMP? Specially 'acquired' from Bass Pharmaceutical? I see your friend in the car could use some."
I look back at the trunk. I could catch Kipper vomiting while in one of his coughing fits. Damn, is it finally progressing to stage IV? If anything, he'll need those VMPs next week anyways. Don't worry Kip. I'll get those VMPs.
"I'm amazed you can get an infected so easily in and out of the-,"
"I said we had a tough time did I not?" I cut him off.
Hyun paused for a moment before he resumed. "How about $275,000 and two VMPs for all of it?"
This guy is stubborn. He won't back off unless I try intimidating him, huh? Each VMP is around $21,000, I could get a sensible price at $290,000 but I could get a bit greedy.
"Look, I know you Chen need Redroad to function. Otherwise, the Chen won't be able to control their own people. I'll give you a good price, $310,000 and those two VMP's, and you get all of it."
He stares me down. I couldn't do much but restrain myself from wavering. He abruptly puts on a grin.
"Then we have a deal!" He grasps onto my hands and vigorously shakes them.
He then motioned one of the escorts to the truck. "Kill the infected kid."
What? I pulled my hands out of his grip, stepping back and drawing my pistol. I shoot, but he closed the gap quickly, knocking the barrel of the gun away. Narrowly, I evade his grasp, rolling onto the ground. I took aim once more and yanked the trigger.
It jammed?! Was it the dirt?! He promptly grabbed onto my arm and disarmed me. I reached for my knife tucked in my back pouch, but he twisted my arm and swept my body off the ground. The ground hit me hard. Why is he doing this?
"What are you doing?!" I shout before receiving a heavy hit from the butt of a rifle, fracturing my skull.
The world spun. My mind was creating a tornado of a storm. Blood began to flow down. Veins on my neck and temple pulsated. They felt like balloons ready to pop at any moment. Doesn't he know I have protection insurance from the underground market? Well, I guess you can't call it protection if I'm damned and dying.
"The other factions, they won't rest until I'm back you know! They need my services! I'm a one of a kind special guy you see. You're starting a war!" was a half bluff but If it can give us a small chance...
"Then I'm sure you have good information from your work. After all, we are planning a war. Once this city is overtaken... Well, you'll see."
He motioned me away. The escorts took away my weapons and stuffed me into a bag. I was a free catch. I look back at Kipper and the truck. They haven't shot yet. Had Kipper managed an escaped? The truck was surrounded by thugs. But it was then I realized, there was no way for him to get out alive. It was a hopeless sight. Kipper couldn't do anything as he struggled to regain control of his body. He couldn't stop coughing.
There wasn't anything to gaze at. It was just another death on my hands. So I shut my eyes... And I screamed, I screamed, it merely brought me a bigger headache but I screamed. I was always, always, too weak to protect my closest friends. My family. I couldn't allow another death on my behalf, not again. Not again.
The rifle's fire marked Kipper's death. I was weak. That moment was when I knew, the Chen wasn't joking around with war. Inside those warehouses were barracks and training centers. They were breaking the International Arms Field Act. Those fuckers. I was set, set on burning the Chen down from the inside out the moment the chance presents itself. If only I could get a message out of Porlon,
It was then I spotted them. Hahaha... Were those two always here? Above on the catwalks of the warehouse, @MrDaoYi and @Oskon slicked back to the exit. I can only hope I can trust those two. The blood draining from my head had finally caught up to me. I close my eyes...
It was way too long, sorry. Those tagged read top post. Also it's been a while since anyone posted here so sorry if I somehow missed some mutual agreement to stop posting here. I'll take any criticism, you can be as harsh as you want.
Corona Tag! on 4/18/2020 12:41:52 AM
Edwart is very wholesome and nice.
Apart from some confusing parts. You could fix some of these issues with a good edit. For example,
"I need to look presentable as possible since..." and "...please let me go, this is very comfortable."
For the first section, the committee meeting, I was confused because I didn't know it was a school at first so I just thought Edwart as some old dick since committees meetings irl are filled with old or powerful guys. Other readers might come across the same confusion.
This is an artistic view so you're free to disagree, but I believe that if you made the committee meeting more formal and serious, you'll be able to contrast the more comedic element of Edwart and the director's rebuttals in her mind to make it more outrageous and perhaps funny.
I'd also like to comment about your first simile,
"It spreads joy in me, like a virus."
Viruses are generally considered bad or malicious so I got put off when I read this simile. Joy and viruses don't go together unless you're a college student (fyi I'm not a college student). Maybe something like
"It spreads joy in me, like the ever expanding sea."
For a more calming effect. I'm not an expert on similes or metaphors though.
Moving on to the second section, I like the dialogue, it's where all that wholesome meat is. Though, I believe some of the descriptions could be misleading if I were to interpret it wrong. When I read
"I reach out and grab Ewart's arm, my eyes widening and a desperate look on my face."
I acquired an image of a more perverted person than a teacher concerned about her disciples.
If you haven't already, try reading over your work like a fresh reader, a blank slate, and see what images you construct when you read your words.
The end section acting as a kind of epilogue is great, I have absolutely no problems with it. So overall, good story. Keep writing!