enterpride, The Reader

Member Since

1/13/2018

Last Activity

12/15/2019 8:26 PM

EXP Points

0

Post Count

45

Storygame Count

0

Duel Stats

2 wins / 0 losses

Order

Warden

Commendations

0

A jolly old Dutchman who is on an important mission to write his first story.

Storygames

A Treatise on Heartly Manners
unpublished

All is fair in love and war.


Metallic Flesh
unpublished

An up and coming epic tale told about the incarnation of the first sentient artificial intelligence


Recent Posts

A Treatise on Heartly Manners. -Enterpride on 12/12/2019 6:36:16 PM

Thank you for your kind words and you're right. The second set of sentenced flow much better, I've fixed it.

Your prompt makes me remember that one time I so innocently read the Grimm's tales. My kid-mind was not ready for any of that.


A Treatise on Heartly Manners. -Enterpride on 12/12/2019 6:31:51 PM

Week two, update two. It's getting somewhere!

So I just went past 15k words over 42 pages. Sadly I couldn't finish any more branches or add more endings. What I did do, was adding to the romance part of the game, blasting toxic early Weeknd at full volume. Fun times.
Next week is going to be busy with exams. So I predict I'll go full speed ahead with the power of procrastination and add another 5000 by next update.
I'd also like to thank Reader82 for some much-needed proofreading and an astonishing amount of high-quality feedback. Thank you, man!


Proofreaders and Beta Testers Requested on 12/11/2019 11:26:27 AM

Seeing how many have joined up, I'll be asking for some feedback too. Thank y'all for your helpfulness!
If you have any interest reading and giving feedback about a story of a baron losing the love of his life and either be a spurned lover or a naive cuckold about it, feel free to send me a PM. I tried to proofread it myself as good as possible, but a second opinion is always appreciated and often necessary. Other feedback about parts of the story that are boring/unlogical or any continuity errors are alI golden nuggets too.
If you don't want to do any of that and just want to read some unfinished contest story and laugh about it, that's fine too. I'll provide the link below to just do that. Lots of love either way.
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/a-treatise-on-heartly-manners~2e


A Treatise on Heartly Manners. -Enterpride on 12/9/2019 11:24:53 AM

There was once a story about a turtle and a rabbit.. let's prove it wrong!
Anyways, is there a way to drag and reshuffle the order of the pages and/or chapters? The way things are going the editor will become a messy jungle by Christmas


A Treatise on Heartly Manners. -Enterpride on 12/9/2019 11:18:52 AM

First update of week two.

I am now just shy of 12k of proofread words. Who thought having an injury could be so helpful? Alright back to the story.
With three ending scenes I have finally closed off a minor branch in the story. It was a fun branch, where the player is slowly being corrupted. But eventually writing a dude become an edgy dude tires, so I'll be glad to move on. 3 main branches and two minor onces to go!
I get a feeling the story will be bigger than possible to write within a month. Still, I'll be going forwards with maximal thrust, guess around christmas I'll look how much is really possible and try to finish up the loose ends.


Gower's Office Hours on 12/9/2019 8:55:49 AM

I don't know if the office is still open, or if I have procrastinated too long as usual. However your punctuation guidelines have been a huge help. So here I am.

It's a question about the use of commas within quoted (spoken) sentences concerning names or honorifics. Some examples from my contest entry:

"It's..It's sir Myre, my Lord."
"Elaria won't help you, snake."
"At once Milord."

I tried to use them by feel, whenever the character would say the sentence with a small pause. Still, are there proper rules for them in these cases?


Contest bets on 12/7/2019 1:09:40 PM

Very well, I am not going to agree to this bet.


A Treatise on Heartly Manners. -Enterpride on 12/5/2019 3:44:31 PM

Second update of week one.

Had little time this week, an exam and multiple late night boxing sessions kept me busy where I'd normally have time to write. On the plus side, I popped my shoulder last night so I'll have all the time the upcoming days.

The introduction itself has branched into three distinct paths. I rewrote some parts to not make the first choice a deathly one, thanks for the thread about that. Now it's finally finished and I am now just shy of 5k proofread words.
Also it's fun! There's something peaceful of staring at blankness your screen and seeing the scene play out.

If nothing happens I think I'll finish the story I'd like to write within four weeks. Luckily there's a vacation to really make the sprint to the finish.


A Treatise on Heartly Manners. -Enterpride on 11/30/2019 10:03:28 PM

Alright. First real update. I've almost finished the introductory pages and momentarily stand on a proud 2000 words.
So the question I had asked myself was how to make the baronman more sympathetic. Overall I tried to go for the show, don't tell approach. However when our baron meets adversity and delves into a deliric state, I couldn't not have an option to delve into his memories. Below is an excerpt.

Where love gives man hope.

Isabella..

You first met her during a long voyage. Both of you were so young and full of life. You fell in love with her laugh, with the twinkle in her smile, with the simple dress she wore. You remember how you immediately excused yourself from your fathers entourage and ran up to her. You had no words ready, your eagerness only expressed as an awkward smile.

She smiled back then. She smiled back at you! At that moment you did not care about the words of your father. You held no love anymore for the betrothed you were supposed to visit. You laughed together, you shed tears together and you loved each other. You spurned your father and brought her back with you.

She smiled less. Your Isa felt unwanted, hated even, for winning your heart. Whenever the chance arose you slipped into the woods. The escapades back then were glorious, full of adventure and passion. You commiserated together in your hate for your father. Memories of wild schemes and impossible plots come back to you.

She smiled. Your father fell ill. The baron is dead, long live the baron. You could finally marry your Isa. Ah, your marriage ceremony was worthy of an emperor. Your Isa became your wife. Whenever you threatened to lose yourself in rule, she brought you back. She practically made you into the man you are now. You could share everything with her, wild ambitions and impossible choices. She helped you stay on top.

She.. She became more distant over the years. Unreplied smiles, frigid kisses and cold talks became a common occurrence. Whatever you tried, you didn't manage to get an heir. You did not care, blinded by love, but your Isa did. She withdrew herself, her once warm heart became hard and emotionless. You feared for her, did you do the right thing in taking her to your lands?

Then, suddenly, she bounced back up. Her beautiful voice could once again be heard in your keep. Her eyes twinkled once again. You couldn't believe it. The love of your life was back.

You spent those days working as an advisor for your duke. The work was hard. The duke didn't listen often. However the pay was good and the connections even better. Together with your Isa you managed to broker vital trade deals. You worked with and earned the respect of other barons and mayors. Together with your Isa you were unstoppable.

------------

So I tried making his thought processes and emotions part of the narration itself. How does this read for you? Too jibberish and mangled, or does it add to the message?


A Treatise on Heartly Manners. -Enterpride on 11/30/2019 9:49:41 PM

Thank you. I'll try to not disappoint.