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Jovan

2 months ago
Commended by EndMaster on 11/9/2017 11:01:47 PM

"Jovan! Grab you sister!" 

Instinctively, the boy grabs his smaller sisters hand.  Pulling her away from the front door, the loud pounding threatening to take it off its hinges. The horrible screams coming from outside of it, blue and red lights from the wrecked emergency vehicles outside illuminating the otherwise darkened room from in between the curtains.  

The boy, Jovan, looks to his father, a large burly man in his mid thirties.  His brows furrowed as the light reflects off his face, slicked with sweat.  Although the large man throws his body into the door it doesn't look like it'll be enough.  He is faltering and the pounding on the door only gets more intense with each passing moment.  Grimacing the large man turns to the two wide eyed children staring at him in fear.  

"Jovan, get to Aunt Claire's house.  Go through the yards, stay away from the streets.....go go!" he yells.

Taking one last moment to take a look at his father, Jovan pulls his sister by the hand running for the back door of their house.  Gripping the knob Jovan's hand almost slips due to the sweat gathering in the palm of his hand.  Panting the boy pulls the little girl out the door and down the stairs.  Before he can escape the yard the children hear the sound of wood cracking, and unearthly wails.  Running across the grass Jovan almost skids to a stop coming to the fence.  Before he can do anything else the children hear a loud scream...their father's voice.

Heart pumping Jovan turns, lip quivering and tears running down his face, to lift his sister over the fence.  His stomach drops as he hears his sister screaming and running towards the house.  Jovan sprints as fast as possible, running up behind his sister and snatching her up before she can reach the steps.

"Daddy Daddy noo!" she screams.

The little girl kicks and struggles, managing to hit Jovan in the right spot, causing him to fall over.  His sister rolls a couple feet in the grass.  As Jovan is about to cuss her out he notices she is looking past him, wide eyed and shaking.  Jovan turns his head towards the door, heart skipping a beat.

Before him stands a tall, crazed man.  With disheveled hair, bloodshot, yellowing eyes, and standing in an oddly stooped manner.  Blood covers the crazed man's mouth and shirt.  It looks fresh and wet, small chunks of flesh fall from his lips as he opens them to let out a deep horrid shout.  The man flails as he sprints towards Jovan, gibbering and groaning as he runs erratically towards the scared boy.

The little girl screams, and as for Jovan, his mouth opens but no sound comes out.  The gibbering man wraps his hands around Jovan, pulling him closer, opening his mouth to reveal yellowing red stained teeth.  This time the boy is able to scream, all the muscles in his body contracting from the sheer terror. 

Before the crazed man's teeth can close in, a thickly muscled arm wraps around the man's neck.  Yanking him away with a grunt, the boy's father plants his feet in the ground and tightly keeps his arm around the man's neck.  The man struggles and flails, almost hissing at Jovan's father.  After what seems like an eternity the crazed man's head slumps and his flailing slows.  Jovan sees his father's arms tense up even more for a few moments before releasing the crazed man, whose face is begun to turn purple and his tongue lolls out of the side of his mouth.  

Jovan's father limps towards the children, a deep gouge on his leg, and what appears to be a gash on his arm.  The man embraces the children, who clutch onto him tightly.  Tears stream down the trios cheeks as they hug tightly.  The father flinches as some loud popping sounds are heard.  Almost throwing the children to the ground as the deadly rounds whip above and around them, followed by some screams and wails from the other direction.  Jovan looks in the direction of the screams, seeing several more crazed people crumpling to the ground.  

"Come on kids, come on." the father says.

As Jovan is lifted up by the burly man, he looks to the street to see a military humvee parked at the side of the yard.  Several men with rifles, camouflage uniforms, and gas masks open the small gate leading to the yard. 

"It's alright kids, we're safe now," the large burly man says.

 As they reach the soldiers one of them almost leaps back at seeing the father.  Within moments two of them have grabbed Jovan and his sister, both exchanging frightened glances.  Looking back they see four soldiers surrounding their father, pointing their rifles at him and shouting.  

"I'm alright I'm alright!" he shouts.

He struggles against the soldiers, who would normally be able to keep him down, but he is not an average sized man.  

"My kids need me their moth-" he grunts as a rifle stock slams into his stomach.

"Don't fucking move again!" the soldier says.

They hold Jovan's father back inspecting his wounds.  Before they finish the other soldiers have brought Jovan and his sister into the humvee.  The children kick, struggle, and scream, but the soldiers are too strong.  One of them has removed their gas mask and the other begins to drive the humvee slowly down the street.  As Jovan turns to look out the window the soldiers hand pushes his face away, stopping him from looking into the yard.  The soldier just looks at the floor of the humvee with a guilty look on his face, grimacing when a fateful popping sound comes from the direction of the yard.

Jovan and his sister cry and scream and struggle more, tears rolling down their faces.  They get further and further away from their childhood home......each knowing in their own way they'll never see their father again.....that their world will never be the same again.

Jovan

2 months ago
Commended by EndMaster on 11/9/2017 11:01:55 PM
Is this part of your zombie story, or a standalone thing? Your action scenes have improved a lot, this is pretty intense and the scene flows well. I spotted a few small errors (a first sentence typo is hard to miss even if it is a minor one, but I'll go over the rest in a bit). However you may want to keep an eye out for redundancy in your word choice. There seems to be an awful lot of screaming in here, for instance. (a search for 'scream' pulled up 10)

If this were a first page I'd definitely be interested enough to keep reading. If you'll be continuing this (as a storygame or otherwise) I'd recommend giving some development time to the sister. She's just 'Jovan's sister' throughout this and gets dragged around like a sack of potatoes, which is mostly fine because kids are dumb and you can't slow down for a lot of unneeded details in a fast paced scene, but a name would be a good start.


Anyway here's a quick list at punctuation goofs and etc. that popped out at me:

"Jovan! Grab you sister!"
Instinctively, the boy grabs his smaller sisters hand. // Come on now, first and second line. :P I'm not even going to correct these, I think you can spot the issues.


Instinctively, the boy grabs his smaller sisters hand. Pulling her away from the front door, the loud pounding threatening to take it off its hinges. The horrible screams coming from outside of it, blue and red lights from the wrecked emergency vehicles outside illuminating the otherwise darkened room from in between the curtains. . // This paragraph tripped me up a little, which is a shame because it's so close to the beginning.

'sister's hand', for one. And also

But how about rephrasing?

Instinctively, the boy grabs his smaller sister's hand. The loud pounding threatens to take the door off its hinges, and he pulls her away. Horrible screams come from the other side of it.

From outside, blue and red lights from the wrecked emergency vehicles provide the only illumination in the otherwise darkened room.


"Come on kids, come on." the father says. // Use a comma after 'come on'. Also, 'the father' sounds a little impersonal. Why not at least THEIR father? (Sort of related, you might want to come up with something else to refer to a couple of the characters as, as 'the crazed man' and 'the burly man' gets a bit overused.


"My kids need me their moth-" he grunts as a rifle stock slams into his stomach. // It sounds like he's trying to say 'My kids need ME, their mother.' which I'm guessing was not your intention.

Anyhow, other than the typos I really had to reach to find anything to critique; always the sign of a pretty dang decent story. I hope you continue this.

Jovan

2 months ago

Thanks for the input, I'll have to be careful as punctuation and sentence flow always seem to fuck me up.

Unfortunately this isn't really part of the story I'm writing, it's mainly just some background story I thought of for one of the characters that is in it.  Also my actual story game probably isn't written quite as well as this.  Or at least I think so, I'll have to check but I've been feeling that some of my same old problems have persisted to some degree.  

In any case thanks for the read, I appreciate the input from you.