EbonVasilis, The Reader
I'll be working on my own works, although those won't be done for awhile, if ever. PM me if you want, or not.
A world on the cusp of disaster. Two sides on the verge of destroying each other, but there is hope. In the form of a hero. Now this will person..., will they be able to rise into the mantle of hero?
There are links that lead to background information... I highly suggest reading those, as they contain fairly important information.
Criticism is very welcome.
This is an entry for BerkaZerka's 2017 Summer Slam Contest
A historical fiction based upon Alexander the Great and his rise to the throne.
Note that not everything in this story is factually correct, but there is one path based upon true history.
Note: Nearly every choice has an effect on something, so make your choices carefully. There are four epilogues to be found.
Criticism is very welcome.
This is an entry for Bucky's 2017 December Story Contest
On the night of your marriage, your wife is captured and you are left for dead in an alley. When you come to, your wife is missing, and your once perfect life now in tatters. What else is there to do but to kill those who have wronged you, save your wife, and restore equilibrium to your life? Before you can do this, however, you must venture through The Lost Realm...
Author's Notes: Your choices matter, so choose carefully. There are 3 epilogues to be found.
This will likely be the first story in a series of five that I'm planning, so be sure to leave feedback, and please leave any criticisms you might have.
I'd like to give a huge shout out to Mayana for beta testing for me. This story game would have loads more mistakes without her help. Thanks to Mizal as well for her help with scripting.
This is an entry to EndMaster's 2018 Romance Story contest
Born into slavery, you've never had much. You've never even hoped for much, but a stroke of luck frees you from the chains that kept you at the bottom. With freedom in your heart, and the world in your hands there is only one thing to do. Ascend.
Recent PostsBZ's Creatures of the Night Contest! on 10/3/2018 3:10:43 PM
I cordially accept your offer.
BZ's Creatures of the Night Contest! on 9/30/2018 11:56:38 PM
I will, but I need to get 25 points first.
Ascendant: Ebon's EPIC Motivation Thread on 9/19/2018 5:01:57 PM
Due to things, mostly laziness though, I will not be able to complete my entry.
User of a Username: Inspiration on 9/19/2018 8:00:59 AM
User of a Username: Inspiration on 9/17/2018 7:13:10 PM
Mine was just the name for a D&D character I had.
Ascendant: Ebon's EPIC Motivation Thread on 9/9/2018 11:12:52 PM
Progress has slowed. Only halfway. Motivation dries up like water in the desert, and I’m losing hope.
Yet, I refuse to fail again...
In all seriousness though I’ve got a helluva lot to do if I’m going to submit, let alone win. Editing will likely be limited to the bare minimum, as the bulk of my time will be spent catching up. Wish I had more to say, but that’s it.
Ascendant part one here I come.
The Tale of the Lucky Nickel on 9/9/2018 8:31:49 PM
I’ve always liked green text-like stories. They have a rather to-the-point feel about them which helps keep the reader interested. I haven’t been on the discord in a little bit, so I don’t really know if this is all complete fact or not. I’m just going to operate under the assumption that it is. Thus, let us begin.
First things first: Your opening line is good, and (based the story style) appropriate for the rest of the story. It’s sets the flow for the rest of the story, and is enough to keep me reading for at least another few lines. I don’t know how much others like simplistic opening lines, but, for one, am a fan. The story progresses easily enough with just enough interesting bits to keep the reader satisfied, but then we get to the GREEN THUNDER part.
I know this is a rough story, so keep that in mind, but dang, this part could’ve been handled better. I liked the story about, behind, and around it, but the transition from the first part of the story to the suicidal secretary wasn’t very good. You use an aside to start the transition off which completely halts the flow and takes the reader out of the story, then (and maybe it’s just me) I kinda lose track of what happened here. Reading back through it I can gather what happened, but on my first read through I didn’t know if the secretary was threatening to cut herself open in front of kids in the classroom, or if she was going to do it in front of you, or what have you. Reading back through it, I found that Mr. D was telling you about what happened, and that the secretary didn’t in fact go full suicide in a school building. That being said, you could definitely mop it up a little bit, so people (and again, it might just be me) don’t get confused.
Continuing on, the story reverts back to the easy flowing nature it had before up until you go on your late night adventure. You never explicitly state why you’re going to the creek, but the reader can assume you’re going to see if Mr. D was there. Well they can, but then they’d be a little confused when you’re surprised when some talks to you. Maybe surprise at them striking out at you, but it seemed more general surprise to me. Perhaps make intent a little more obvious here, so we know exactly why you went to the creek on this night of all nights, etc.
My last critique is the last three lines. I know it’s a meme, but I’m kinda invested into the story at this point. Unless the entire story was meant as troll, then these last few lines don’t make any narrative sense. Especially given that the entire story seems like it’s the complete opposite of a troll story. In any case the solution is simple here. Just find a better place to stop the story.
All in all, good job. I like to focus on criticism more than praise, because that’s how most get better, but know that you made a nice interesting story here Zag. It was indeed “worth the read.”
Reccomendations?!?!?!? ( for me not from me ) on 9/4/2018 11:46:20 AM
Click my username and read anything I’ve created, and I would be appreciative.
Pretty much any of the bigger names on the site has things worth reading, but if we’re just going in general, then I’d suggest checking out the featured game section for any genre. Those are usually good bets.
Tall/Short/In Between? on 8/31/2018 10:33:06 PM
Good thing I’ve got a good face.
Thoughts about my game "No Littering"? on 8/27/2018 11:44:17 AM
Use the one Mizal suggested. Also, I don’t like your chat formatting either. That only works for plays.