Anaria: Quest for the Sword of Light

Meh. It's pretty good...

This story was really good, their are only two things I noticed that could be changed. One was that their is not much branching in the story, their are very little choices, and when you are faced with one it is a do-or-die kind of choice. The other thing is that there is not much character development in the story, and I don't feel much for the character. But the story in general in really good, and I liked the hook at the end. I am looking forward to reading more from this author.

I liked it. The writing could have been better though. The length almost worked against it. It just dragged on and on and didn't do much to keep the players interest

This is great if you know what to do, I personally have died 10 or more times because I am curies. So pick what you want not so you know what happens.

Loved this! One of the best storygames I have ever seen! Such a great storyline! It’s just perfect!

I had a lot of fun playing through this. While I probably won't be going back to replay this exhaustively in order to explore every possible choice - since most of the side branches of the story seem much shorter than the main quest - what is there is a delightful high fantasy romp through a surprisingly detailed world and a colorful cast of characters. As far as character motivations go, Aric wanting to boink the love of his life is straightforward and easy to accept with a shrug.

There are battles and quests, magic and feats of daring. There's an underpinning of a complex political landscape filled with multiple races and marriage alliances. The hero gets the princess in the end, complete with an epilogue hook for a sequel.

I would call this storygame uncomplicated, a bit bare boned, but ultimately fun and unoffensive to anyone who just wants a quick trip to a fantasy land. I certainly didn't regret the twenty minutes it took me to read through the main storyline.

Basically, what this story boils down to is this:

The sex was good, and the motivation for all the derring-do that follows is to make sure there will be more sex in the future. Really, that's what this is all about. There are no further character motivations. Sex good, me want more, me do magic stuff.

Obviously a lot of thought went into the world-building aspect of this story, as evidenced by all the wikipedia-style info-dumps. Who is politically aligned with who, what sword does what, etc. Less attention was invested in character development, since in most cases the "characters" here are names attached to blocks of dialogue. There wasn't a single person for whom I was given enough information to care about, and having two people whisper "I love you" back and forth to each other isn't a compelling romance.

Add in the lack of branching, and this was a dull, underdeveloped story. Also, I highly recommend dumping the info-dumps; if you can't figure out a way to make that information more integrated with the story, then we probably don't need to bother with it.

This was a good start for a first-time story game.

That being said, there is certainly a lot of room for improvement. I strongly recommend proofreading more thoroughly before publishing or even finding someone willing to proofread for you. There are a lot of basic grammar errors in this story.

The premise of the story itself is interesting and I genuinely liked it. However, I wish there was more descriptive writing in it. Everything feels rather bare-bones and rushed for the most part. But, you've clearly built a world and characters you enjoyed writing about. Maybe slow down just a little and expand on that world. You had a few info dumps, but they felt so out of place. Instead, try incorporating that info into the story itself. Either as questions to another character or perhaps an option of reading a history book in game.

The story was extremely linear. There is only one ending besides the many bad ends that result when a player makes a choice that you don't want them to make. There is zero branching whatsoever. At one point, you railroad players into accepting a quest which they can refuse three times before being forced to accept it anyway. Why even give the choice at all if you're just going to do that?

Overall, it's a good first story but it needs some work. I really hope that you continue writing like this and improving. Proofread, be a little more descriptive, and write in some branching and different endings then this story will be a solid start to writing CYOA's for you.

Good job: 4/8

'The front bow door begins to open, chains creaking as they slowly open up. Light pours in, and you see the desolate lands of the Goblin Deserts, beyond which lies the Goblin Jungles.'

So, no actual goblins present, just an empty desert next to the ocean. But we go charging into it, yelling for blood, with weapons raised. Apparently there's a whole army of goblins standing right there, and we're fighting them momentarily. They just weren't considered important enough to mention. As my first impression of the story, it's not great since it makes me distrust whether I'll be given vital info going forward.


You lift your falchion above your head and drive it's point into the Goblin's head. // Please learn the difference between it's and its. This will be a constant distraction to readers any time you write anything.

"Why would it lose it's power?" you ask.
"Currently, it has no opposite to it's power, therefore it does not need to share it's power with another sword," your father responds.

REEEEEEE

You're thoughts automatically turn to your betrothed // Same here with you're and your. 'You are thoughts automatically turn' makes no damn sense.

I'm seeing a lot of confusion about possessives as well.

"Aercaena misses you," he says.
"The princess? Does she have anything else to say?" You ask eagerly. // The first example is correct, the second is incorrect. Since I'm seeing both sprinkled throughout the story at random, my assumption is you actually have no idea and are just flipping a coin. (Happily, we have an entire article to straighten you out on this: http://chooseyourstory.com/help/articles/article.aspx?ArticleId=4309)

'Also, I will be forced to exclude you from your inheritance and So, what do you say?' // And what? ('banish you' I guess, since this is what happened next.)

LMAO at what a dick the father is and LMAO at an elf being mistaken for a goblin by other elves and lmao at the girl's tragic and ridiculous death. Refusing the quest is my canon ending for this now. Although thinking about it, it would've been cool to play out the exile and recruit some goblins for revenge. You were kicked out of your entire society without a trial for not doing something your probably much more qualified father was too lazy to do for himself.

This choice is also missing an End Game link after you die.


Karinettory also strengthens your falchion and names you the Archmage of the Elvish Empire. // Really? All I had to do was get handed a spellbook which I didn't even skim, and put on a set of magical armor for this?

....and my character then learns how to do all the powerful magic there is over the next few hours, including killing on command and stopping time. Yet a non magical sword is the most important weapon he has? In hindsight this also makes the exile ending make even less sense. You obviously weren't the only one or even the most obvious one who could get the sword and save the elvish people etc, your dad was just mad because he got you put first in line for this sweet quest that would get you a political marriage and you said nah.

Also, it really raises the question: If this level of magic is so common they can hand it out to any noble's kid, why did they need infantry to invade the goblin lands in the first place? What did all those elves die for?

Weird, the story acts like 'Why don't I show you afterwards?' is a sexy and smooth response to the question of 'What was the war like?' instead of a threat to murder someone. This particular choice also doesn't matter at all, except it's briefly implied that saying 'the war was horrible' as one would expect any soldier to do is the wrong response.

If you read the infodump on Dyor Kranick, you get taken directly to the page where you're feeding fireleaf to the horse from there and skip the part where you actually travel to the island.

"Take the Sword of Light's power and give it to a new Sword of Power, then offer it as a gift to the Demon King so that he might conquer the Elvish Empire of Arcria Locroium, then eradicate the Fairies. After that, I would be given a harem to do with as I please. // Actually laughed out loud at this. It's....not a very equal trade, even for an incel.


"Not really," you reply, "But I'll have a lot more experience when I destroy your ass!" // You've been consistently going full throttle with EPIC FANTASY TOLKIEN KNOCK OFF the whole way through, so this line feels really out of place.

"Then let us pray that you are ready when it is found," Vorinar says grimly. "I see war brewing on the horizon, and this one will change life as we know it forever. Light defeats Shadow, and Shadow devours Light. You know what I mean, Aric." // No one suggests just...going back to look for it? The trip wouldn't even take long, you have all that magic.


*****


All in all I think the actual writing has promise, although sadly I can't be as confident about your future on the site when you've already proven yourself incapable of handling harsh comments without throwing a tantrum in somebody's inbox.

There were a lot of infodumps about the setting, sometimes silly details like 'why are these characters who have been established as having a relationship already flirting with each other? well according to the rules of Elven society...' but I didn't see anything about the Swords which I was the most interested in. That they're basically the Rings of Power was easy enough to pick up from context, but not everyone may realize that and it still leaves readers just guessing at the implication for the setting itself in which they're obviously a Big Fucking Deal.

Anyway, heavy Tolkien influence here, which is not at all a bad thing, but when you go EPIC FANTASY you need to go all the way, and there's times you fumble the execution. The bigger issue and the one that's going to hurt your ratings is that this is all railroaded as fuck. There are cool ideas and cool things happening here, but the story is just charging on ahead and giving the player zero chance for input. When there are choices at all (and they appear increasingly rarely as the game progresses...) they're fake choices or instant deaths.

Good luck with the future writing, but next time: more choices and thicker skin.

It isn't bad for a first game! There are some minor grammar issues and typos, but not many that were terrible. I believe the worst I found was near the beginning when I chose to "attack a different opponent" and was shot with "arrows covered in poisoning" (should be poison). The game was not hard to read because of grammar/spelling/typos though.

I think the concept was good! What you may need to work on is creating a narrative, rather than just explaining things. For example, the goblin war has a blurb about why it is happening, one battle, and then the results. Take me to the war, make me care. The battle with the goblin was pretty well done, but even that was sort of telling. You can spice it up by including more details that are relevant in that moment.

"You jump over his head, he swings his sword at you, but narrowly misses as you tuck into a double backflip. You land on your feet softly--realizing that you were inches from breaking your promise to your betrothed that you would come back alive."
That might not be what you were going for, but in the passage above the battle would seem more real (showing the fear that the main character has) and you could introduce the fact that you are engaged without saying, "You are engaged to an elf princess, you hated leaving her to go to the war; even though it was never mentioned until now--when the war is over."

I just felt that while the story was good, and you obviously thought it out, you spent most of your time explaining things. You even explained that pre-marital sex is okay in this world. In that case, you can just let it happen, the reader will figure out they are okay with it from context. You also do not need to explain wizard duel rules of its own page, etc. I feel like if you focused more on your story and less on explaining why you made things the way they are, it would have been really good. Be confident with what you are writing, give enough details that we can tell what is going on, but do not feel like you have to justify things in the story. Also, you only need to explain things in detail if they are important to the story. The description of the sword of light and why it loses its powers was important and well done. The description and picture of a standard-issue elven sword...not as important and overdone.

You also need to work on choices. You did a linear gauntlet-style game (which means that there is one storyline, with options that immediately kill you along the way. That is okay, but it is fun to have a few branches if possible. Also, stick to the gauntlet if you are doing that. The choice to "refuse the quest" was frustrating because you asked me three times, and when I said no three times in a row, you just forced me to say yes! Just ask once and put the death page. That death page was well done for that scenario, so go with it and put an end game link. I will go back and choose the other option to continue the story. The choice of how to spend your time in the carriage was well done, but you should put more information on each choice. It felt it didn't matter because each choice only changed a sentence or two of flavor text.

Ultimately, it was a good idea and pretty good writing! You just need to write a few more to get familiar with this format. You should continue with this "series" if you like it, I can see it turning into an interesting set of games. I also would read a few to pick up on the difference between telling a story and just telling what happened:

"James won the sword fight. His own dad was trying to kill him. In this world, people care about their dads and do not want to kill them."

vs.

"James deflected the jagged blade of the hooded man aside and ran his blade through his attacker's chest; he wailed when he realized the hooded figure was his father."