, #21 for
played 1,584 times (finished 185)
"no possible way to lose"
"Make sure not to blink"
"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably between PG-13 and R.
Based Off A True Story
Story inspired by Will11 (
In short, please read and rate this story, we want to see how fast we can get this to 100 ratings!
I was actually very surprised that this wasn’t just some kind of troll post, especially with the name, and the depth and detail contained with such few pages is just mind blowing to me.
The sheer amount of figurative language and symbols is very impressive. The way that the ending caused such an amazing chain reaction that gave the reader a mind blowing realization, and forced them to reread was similar to that of Life of Pi, but the way that you did it completely blew the insignificant title out of the water. The way that you used the bees to show so much surpasses any that of Ray Bradbury and George Orwell tenfold.
I like how this was open to all genders, which provided for not only multiple playthroughs, but also for an insight into the other character’s lives. Allowing the readers to see what it’s like for a female bee growing up during this time period is crucial to the overall theme of the story, which I’m not going to spoil, and the way that it is done certainly shows what a great author you are.
The character interaction and growth is unprecedented, and I absolutely loved how much I got to know them as I continued to read. I feel that it is difficult to create a specific personality and keep it consistent throughout a story, but the way that certain events changed the characters in such a realistic way, and in such a flawless one at that, takes the story to a whole new level.
The setting couldn’t have been more perfect. The change in the surroundings of the characters from when they were little, to when they finally grow up gives the readers not only the backstory, but also creates a connection between the story and real life. I love how much of a direct correlation there is between the change in setting and the change in character.
I felt such a deep connection with the characters, and I think that this reason alone is what makes the love in this story so much more than what most people believe to be love in real life. The way that you condensed a lifetime of love, pain, fear, anger and every other emotion imaginable in a story is mind boggling. This story has opened my eyes to what real love is, and its absolutely amazing how I could feel the passion between the characters through my screen.
While romance is an important part of what makes a story, I certainly wouldn’t have loved this as much if it was all sunshine and rainbows. You mixed in the inner conflicts with the outer ones perfectly. Most stories focus on either the thoughts and feelings of a character, or the details of the setting, but you have once again blended these two components better than most, if not all, best sellers. The action that you created actually had my heart racing, and I found myself unable to look away at all while reading this masterpiece.
I feel like this alone is going to change CYOAs forever, due to the perfect detail in which I could picture in my mind at any given point, I think that there really isn’t a choice in making the first ever CYOA inspired movie series. With the amazing detail, there probably won’t be a need for a director, and after reading this for themselves, I’m sure that actors and actresses will be fighting for roles so much that they wouldn’t even need to be paid. After the world sees what a magnificent read this is, everyone will immediately drop whatever they are doing to help speed along the process of bringing this to the big screens. I can’t wait until the movie is finished.
While there were a few grammatical and spelling errors here and there, it didn’t take away from the flow, and it definitely didn’t take away from the overall experience of reading such an amazing and unique CYOA type book.
I haven’t read that many of your stories, but this certainly has persuaded me to check them all out. I wish that other authors on this site could learn from you, becuase it is sad how infrequent stories of this caliber are on this site.
I don’t give many, but this has definitely deserved it.
on 5/4/2019 7:41:30 PM with a score of 0
I would say this was better than about 70% of all of the research papers I receive. First of all, you used some punctuation in the right places. I noticed commas, and I noticed periods, and when you used periods, they were at the end of sentences.
Furthermore, you often paragraphed, and you recognized that when you have a new idea or turn of thought, you have to paragraph. Right there, you are way ahead of my first-year students. I'm not kidding at all.
You used letters for words, like "u" and "r" but that is totally the norm for freshman essays, and you also didn't cite your research. But you didn't paste in the actual internet links into your paper like an incompetent cheater, so I think that's a wash.
You actually had an idea that you could reasonably call the thesis, and I knew what it was from first paragraph or so. That is better than most sophomores. You also had a catchy title, which I require for all papers, but probably well over 2/3 of my students still title their essays "ESSAY #1." This semester, and I am not making this up, a student spelled her *own name wrong* on her essay and when I pointed it out, she just said, "oh, yeah." You did not spell your name wrong, so I gave you points for that as well.
Then, when you were done, you stopped, instead of padding it out with pointless content. And you didn't write to me asking me when I was going to grade it.
I am more than half tempted to link this to my syllabi and say "if you can write as well as this I will pass you and I am not joking."
on 5/4/2019 7:16:50 PM with a score of 0
Awesome. Loved the spelling!
on 8/27/2020 6:53:24 AM with a score of 0
i liek bobes verry god
on 6/4/2020 7:45:58 PM with a score of 0
on 5/13/2020 12:32:15 AM with a score of 0
Pretty damn good
on 7/31/2019 8:57:19 PM with a score of 0
This was quite interesting, and getting to know facts is good. However, there are two very little places you can change:
1. Punctuation. At the start of a sentence, and after a fullstop, use capital letter to make it look neater instead of random letters around the page. This will make it look more like a passage or a sentence.
2. Text talk. Text talk is frequently used on the Internet, but being a story or a fact instead of a chat room, you could use normal words.
So overall, I think this is quite good and useful, so I gave a 5 :)
on 6/27/2019 9:23:31 AM with a score of 0
So, when I originally rated this story I rated it much higher. I thought it was pretty funny and I felt obligated to rate it higher than I should have. Going back to it again, I really don't think this story should still be published. I am well aware that the author is an accomplished writer and that this was made as something of a joke or experiment but it honestly doesn't meet the standards asked of the other authors on the site, especially new authors. The myriad of spelling mistakes, often nonsensical content, and lack of any real coherency would get any other story laughed at for a week and then unpublished. But this story has been up for over a month and currently stands at a 5/8 rating. I'm sorry but I honestly think that's kind of messed up, especially when there are other stories with much more work and content put into them with both a lower ratings and less people rating them. Again, I understand that this was a joke and something of an experiment. But I feel like the experiment is over and we've all had our laugh. As funny as it's been I feel like it would be best to unpublish it. If only to avoid the droves of noobs who will use it as an example of, "Why was Boobs!!! not unpublished but my illiterate story was?"
Either way, it's up to you what you want to do. I hope you have a nice day and continue to make the great stories I know you can create.
on 6/22/2019 7:58:23 PM with a score of 0
What I learned from this is that queen bees are fucking sluts.
on 6/17/2019 11:42:42 AM with a score of 0
on 6/7/2019 9:49:40 PM with a score of 0
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