Dispiteous

Player Rating4.92/8

"#194 overall, #12 for 2014"
based on 120 ratings since 08/16/2015
played 1,537 times (finished 61)

Story Difficulty4/8

"march in the swamp"

Play Length4/8

"A well spent lunch break"

Maturity Level7/8

"anything goes"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 18. If this were a movie, it would probably be R.

dis•pit•e•ous

adjective, Archaic.

1. malicious; cruel; pitiless.

This little girl has Daddy issues. 

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DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. CONTAINS EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT, HEAVY GORE, COARSE LANGAGE, DEAD CHILDREN AND INCEST. 

Originally written for Morgan_R's 90 minute challenge. This took closer to two hours, but I'm hoping it might still be a contender. 

Kudos to @Romulus for reading through an earlier version of the story. 

If anyone thinks I should edit the story to be less intense, PM me or leave it in the comments. I was a bit unsure about publishing this, but hey, fuck it. 

Player Comments

I have no issue with the graphic nature of this story. Yes, it is disturbing, though not as bad as LOVE SICK and yes, it is gory, but again, LOVE SICK is still accepted here. You've put up warnings. It should be fine. Child rape and necrophilia do raise flags for some people, but you weren't very descriptive.

I didn't notice any major errors, though that may be because it's easy to breeze through a story when it's short--still, I've been able to spot dozens of errors in a fifteen question quiz, so I'll say you did fine on proofing.

Here's my issue with this story: The endings. It's not the gore or the sex, it's the monotony. I've said it before in my review of The Three Keys--if you only have one type of ending, be it happy, sad, or bittersweet, it gets a little dull. You replay again and again to get different results, but it's really all the same if the only result is your character dying.

The other bone to pick is over one specific ending, the one you've labeled the "True" ending. Up until that point, you had me appreciative of the established characters. An abusive, bastard father who is close to his sanity's breaking point, a submissive mother who he fights with constantly, an innocent little boy who has yet to learn how to eat properly, let alone be a real party to the tragedy about to ensue... and a little girl who could just as easily turn villain as she could victim. That is a good cast, but then you made the mother do something completely random. Spoiler alert, by the way, for those reading this:

The mother slits the daughter's throat, while praising her for killing her father. There is literally no reason for her to have done this. As a mother--even a passive one--who is raising to children in this environment, it is still instinct for her to protect her child to some degree. Killing the girl, especially after her abuser has been dealt with, just goes against nature. More than that, as a psychopath, which you have to be in order to slit your own daughter's throat, it's totally illogical. The child is far more valuable to her alive. Killing the girl means she will be charged with both the murder of her daughter and husband, but keeping her alive gives her a scapegoat. People might pity their family, maybe even praise the girl for stopping her abusive dad, but if not, they can lock the kid up in a mental ward. Problem solved.

From a vengeful point of view, the husband was an asshole. The mother feeling sad or even grieved about his death would be one thing, but she could just as easily be relieved that she's free now. Revenge killing her daughter, when she's only a child and was just being protective of her family, is still illogical and would also be in direct opposition to the words of praise.

It's just ... without any kind of explanation or even implied logic, it feels like you just threw that part in there half-assed as a way to shock the reader a little more rather than to follow the established and implied character patterns. =\ I like twists, but they should make sense in context. If you had given us some kind of build up or explanation, it could've worked.

Alternatively, you could've made the girl a full-on villain and had her enjoy killing in a sort of "You've become what you despised" ending, which I honestly love to see in a horror game.

Mind you, this is a brutally honest review on my part as I am aware that you made this thing in less than two hours. It holds up very well under that constraint, but I just feel like you could've taken it a little further so it would feel a bit less ... "one note."
-- Kiel_Farren on 9/3/2014 9:04:49 AM
Woah!

Yeah, I can see how this could be considered a lot more disturbing than Love SICK.

But no, I don't think you should remove/edit it. You've put enough warning for any passer-byers, and honestly, at this point, it's a choice whether or not to read it. I have to agree with Madbrad2000, this is actually a very unique piece on this site.

For a 90 minutes challenge, this is not bad at all. I loved the writing, all though I do feel as though it was a bit rushed towards the "Big Girl" addition, and also, the way the little girl immediately thinks of murdering the father as a way to console her problems. Still, nothing too bad that it makes the story sour.

I really think you should continue this a lot more, because this is not bad at all. If it was longer, however, that would prove more satisfying.

In the end, I would give it a 5/8.
-- Fazz on 9/2/2014 8:10:06 PM
Whelp, that was... disturbing... I don't know what I can really say anymore about this than that I already did while proofreading the beginning (tagging doesn't work in storygame descriptions btw).

The writing was good, tough this genre of story isn't exactly my favorite, and though you only put two hours of work into this, it didn't really show. There were a decent amount of endings, though some of them (like the 'grown-up' ones felt a little rushed because of the sudden jump in time from 'little girl' to 'big girl'.

I've given it a 5/8, because it has a good level of writing, but is kinda short and your story feels kinda 'gore for gore's sake'.
-- Romulus on 9/2/2014 6:12:04 AM
This has to be one of my favorite story-games now. Excellent job.
-- DiniTheWizard on 2/12/2018 6:52:36 PM
Perfect. Don't change a thing. This is one of the highest ratings I've ever given. Yeah, it's gross, but I like the realism. I didn't read any incest so I don't know if that woulda been too much. Fun and absorbing. Great job!
-- Quorrah on 12/20/2016 5:55:07 PM
Well written with very few spelling or grammar errors. As I said with the last story you did the endings could be a bit more varied. But a truly disturbing tale indeed.
-- BigRonn77 on 10/3/2016 1:20:24 PM
Haha, hilarious and true like the other story ;)

The grammar and punctuation was very courteous, and the vocabulary was over the limit. The story and plot was well-written, but it was kind of crazy. Thanks for more stories! :)
-- MasonJarGuzzi on 3/21/2016 12:29:04 PM
Eery. I mean, Dad's an abuser, Ok, and a rapist, sure, but does he also need to be a paedophile necrophiliac? Seems a bit much evil for one character. The rest was pretty good, except I don't understand the true ending. Why did Mom kill me? I don't understand. From other people's comments, I don't seem to be misunderstanding. Still, other than that it was an enjoyable, if disturbing, level of fucked up.
-- Steve24833 on 2/22/2016 3:17:21 PM
Quite amazing.
-- Negative on 2/22/2016 2:13:32 AM
It was a pretty short storygame. I did not catch any grammar or punctuation mistakes. But, seriously why did it have to be so dark? I mean either you die or get raped by your father who is a murderer AND a necrophiliac. Wow, I mean like, was that necessary?
-- Zaguiza14 on 12/2/2015 2:49:00 AM
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