Lonely boy

Player Rating4.20/8

"#289 overall, #33 for 2015"
based on 159 ratings since 12/01/2015
played 5,193 times (finished 290)

Story Difficulty3/8

"trek through the forest"

Play Length6/8

"It'll be a while, better grab a SnickersĀ®"

Maturity Level6/8

"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably between PG-13 and R.

Just a short story on the thoughts of a lonely kid. May add another act to it but just wanted to get the beginning out.

Also please leave the first ending you got ^_^ .

Player Comments

Black Keys fan maybe? Nah, it's probably a bit of a long shot.

"... but now that all of you're friends have found new people to hang out with your stuck alone..." I'm still looking for a storygame without any mistakes and, seeing as this was in the first paragraph, you don't quite make it.

In fact, there were quite a few mistakes like this, like the lack of paragraphing between different peoples' dialogue and incorrect syntax after dialogue (e.g: capital letters on words continuing the sentence after speech is finished). Still, they're very easily fixed if you want to polish this up.

Overall, I don't really know how to sum this up. This whole story was mediocre, but I did find pockets of interest. Some of the writing is just a bit wooden, though I feel that L&D is probably a difficult genre to pull off well so it's a good attempt.

I'm not gonna lie; I don't know much about this genre, but IMO a big problem is that you have like 3 love options (I think? There may have been more I didn't encounter). That means three times the work is needed to build up any form of connection to each love interest. If you really want, you could write more like 40000 words. However, what I'd suggest is bumping off your least two favourite girls (don't worry, it's not murder if they're fictional; I checked) and focusing on the building up the one you like best. That way, the reader can become more invested and actually feel more. At the end of the day, you want the reader to become attached to the MC and the interest.

I do have to give credit that this has above average effort put into it. I've read much worse quality stories with a sixth of the impressive 18000 word count.

Still, not bad!

My first ending was the 'It Takes Two' ending.
4/8
-- AzBaz on 7/14/2017 9:29:21 AM
Not too shabby, I have to say. It had quite a few missed punctuations, and it took me a couple of tries to make sense of it. But anyway, not bad.
By the way the ending I got was: "Sexy beast ending"
-- Shadowulf on 12/2/2015 5:02:08 AM
Not bad but just...meh. It was a very good first try I think, and it certainly is better than a lot of the stuff posted on this site, but it was nothing remarkable. It was also littered with grammatical errors which was a bit of a nuisance at times. Overall I think the characters were developed ok for the amount of time allotted (I'm not sure if it was just my path but I don't think this should be 6/8 length) and the concept isn't too bad either.

P.S. I received the 'Friends Club' epilogue
-- HJPike on 12/1/2015 2:06:46 AM
The path that I took was a very short one. While the writing wasn't bad, I feel as though it didn't accurately depict the setting of a school and its hierarchy of social positions. The emotional appeal was well and good, but overshadowed by the cheesy messages sprinkled throughout. While I would be interested in playing some of the other paths, I did not find this story as riveting as I had hoped it would be.
-- O.R. Rosemary on 6/18/2018 7:00:08 PM
This is me... all of it. I literally shed a tear at the not accepting being lonely path... if only I had been strong with my old friends and had the courage to just ask if I can sit with them instead of being alone in the library or office and even the bathroom. All of it, me...
-- Jacob on 2/12/2018 10:58:37 PM
...Oh wow do people really get into jail for something as small as a school fight?
-- Aleo on 11/4/2017 4:54:14 PM
Butterfly Effect Ending, Love this one, to bad it was so sort
-- Dark_Storm on 8/1/2017 4:58:41 AM
I got an acceptance ending..
-- Aditya on 7/8/2017 2:31:17 PM
I quite enjoyed the story! :D I got the It Takes Two ending or something? (The one where he finds her in the alley?)

I think the rating is a 4 because of the technical errors. If you had reread and proofread or even had a beta, the quality of the storygame would've been much better. You probably lost a point or even two because of the constant errors.

I think you could've gotten deeper into characterization. What were the characters' lives like outside of school? Parents? Hobbies? I couldn't connect with the characters too well. Another factor of that is the confusion I got with the... stuff? >~< What age were they? School? I was really lost about it. Ages and actions done at those ages, especially.

I honestly think some of the branches could be longer so I could still have a good understanding of the protagonist when I get to the ending page(s). :3

Overall, really, I think the story is engrossing (Must. Find. All. Endings.) and the situations interesting. The choices offered many possibilities (though some of the endings didn't seem to match the choices made?). Great job on the storygame. Sweet and simple. Just proofread/edit the thing, and it'll be splendid. :)
-- Crescentstar on 3/14/2017 10:18:15 PM
I thought it was good, but there some grammar mistakes and some story paths didn't flow as well as others
-- inkienellience on 3/8/2017 9:39:34 PM
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