The Adventure into Albanon: Chapter 1

Player Rating3.74/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 70 ratings since 07/11/2013
played 345 times (finished 74)

Story Difficulty4/8

"march in the swamp"

Play Length3/8

"A nice jog down the driveway"

Maturity Level1/8

"appropriate for all ages"
Stories with this maturity level will not, by design, have any potentially objectionable content. An example of a type story with this rating would be a quiz on mathematics.

You play a young girl named Carrie. Until recently, your father has passed away and you and your two brothers are forced to go to live with your Mother. Afterwards, a book your father wrote catches your eye and now something is bound to happen.

 

 

This is a unique story I have wrote, had erased(Curse you computer) and wrote AGAIN and had erased again (curse you computer -_-)

This is only chapter 1! Chapter 1 is just the beginning. there will probably be......20 chapters?... maybe more XD

Player Comments

This definitely feels like the start of an interesting premise of sorts. I liked the overall mystery surrounding the story, as it makes you want to learn and understand more from the character's themselves and the situation that they're in, as well as why that would be the case. You do a pretty good job painting a picture and framing an interesting setting with your words, so good job on that front.

I did find there to be some slight hiccups with grammar as I read through this story-game. In cases like this I could really only recommend having someone that is a proofreader to look over your work to prevent such things from happening. I must also admit that I am usually a bit put off into stories that are put into parts, because while what you have currently is pretty interesting in my opinion, there's truly not enough here to really be considered a complete story when everything is said and done unfortunately.

This isn't to say that most story-games that are split into parts feels incomplete. There are some that does such a thing correctly, and I believe that is the case by adding enough depth and content for a such a story-game to stand well on it's even if it only the start of what it is to be more to come. And while the writing and atmosphere in this were things that I enjoyed, this did end rather abruptly leaving me with a feeling that there maybe could have been more in this to be enjoyed.

Still I do see promise in your writing, but I only wish that you expanded more on what you have to write. Because what you have so far isn't bad by any means.
-- TharaApples on 11/26/2017 12:07:05 AM
Seems like a good start to the series, but it feels to me like the series is unnecessary and probably could be put into one big storygame. The problem with splitting a series into multiple games is that there's less room for branching and alternate endings.

That said, seems like you've got a good set up with solid characters with a proper backstory.
-- 31TeV on 9/24/2014 10:33:22 AM
Very open-ended.
-- Quorrah on 1/17/2017 6:33:19 PM
Too Short. This is a worthless story. People need to stop posting demos or chapter stories. Unless they are like the Homo Perfectus series, there is no sense to post these on as they make a poor impression on you as the author.
-- CurseOfTime on 1/26/2016 5:09:17 PM
Sometimes it was present-tense, other times it was past-tense. Other than, good job.
-- TheBossWriter on 12/19/2015 6:07:50 PM
No real plot line or choices
-- Dustin on 3/29/2015 8:26:41 PM
It's a good start but one major issue. Sometimes the story says You picked up the book, and sometimes She picked up the book. This needs to be consistant throughout the pages of the story to avoid becoming a distraction.

That issue aside the story is well written and engaging, although I whish it was longer rather than split into multiple parts.
-- Jordi P on 10/21/2014 12:49:01 PM
<p>I know the author hasn't been here for a while, but just in case they return...</p>
<p>Except for the switching back and forth from 1st to 3rd person, causing me to lose my <i>suspension of disbelief</i>, I thought it was a great prologue. :)</p>
-- ItAintPretty on 8/9/2014 8:31:31 PM
This looks like the perfect beginning to a story. Great grammar and awesome storyline. I enjoyed it and can't wait for the next chapters.
-- TheSophia on 7/23/2014 8:22:31 PM
WOWWWWW! ;)
that was really kool, wish i could come up with something like that. the story was nice and easy to understand and practically got to the point strait away. i look forward the other mysteries series of the book.
good luck and well done!
Bye! ':)
-- lindsey on 8/11/2013 8:18:11 PM
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