Love & Dating
"Too few ratings to be ranked"
played 324 times (finished 30)
"walk in the park"
"It'll be a while, better grab a Snickers®"
"aren't you a little too old to be trick or treating"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG-13.
In a small Alaskan fishing town, Val lost everything.
Quick, simple, intro, but I guess that works. Interesting first page. I like the imagery on the first page, that worked well. It took me a second to get the full picture of the protagonist and the setting, but it will worked well and I’m ready for adventure. The extra spacing between the paragraphs was a little annoying, but that’s a pretty small thing.
The story was generally nice, but the lack of choices was sort of obvious. I’m not a fan of the completely fake choices where you are required to select the choices, in any order you want, before you continue on the main story unless those choices have some kind of an effect. In this case it looks like a completely linear story.
It was a little jarring to move from the wedding to the bar scene. I don’t know what happened to make that happen or why the main character was there. It seems like there must have been something drastic that happened, but I didn’t see it. At least I got a choice, but that appeared to be the only actual option available in the entire story.
I will say you certainly hit the target for the contest, better than any other stories I’ve read for this contest. It was very much a sad story, but I felt like there were some pieces missing. I liked the idea and the development and think there is a good deal of potential here with a little more expansion and information. Thank you for sharing the story with us on the site.
on 6/2/2018 11:19:21 PM
I like it but I didn't someone always dies, and I don't like being gay. Ewwwww I'm a girl I'll like a sexy ass boy l, not a another girl like me. It never even told me how Emma found out I was with Greg. I'm sorry I really don't like it.
*Also I had the same experience, with my dad. My dad was in the army and he died, now my mom is about to get married on April 23. I'm so excited can't wait!
-- Lizzie on 3/23/2019 2:56:38 PM
It seems Val has the worst luck in the world... Either that or she needs to move away from the goddamn cliff! Lol. The story moved very quickly. It took me about 12 min to get through the entire thing. I was glad it was fast-paced because it meant the reader mostly experienced the big events in Val’s life. That being said, there seemed to be a lot of gaps in the scenes that the story didn’t address.
There were only a handful of characters: Val, Jen, Emma, Liam, and Brian (Val’s father). I liked Jen and Emma, but didn’t feel any positive emotion towards the other characters due to inconsistency and foolish action.
Val, Brian, and, (to a lesser degree) Liam acted inconsistent or made dumb decisions which didn’t connect me to their characters. To be fair, we can say Val inherited that tendency from her Father and blame the bastard for not having rational thought processes. Someone should throw him off a cliff, oh wait... For example in Brian’s suicide note, he writes that he loves Val more than anything, but he also can’t afford to live without Val’s mother and brother. Make up your mind, dude! You’d think if he loves Val more than anything, he’d stay alive to raise her. Val had the same line of reasoning later on: “I loved her (Emma), I truly did, but what was the worst that could happen if I called Liam? I needed someone.” You have a wife, lady! You claim to love her! The worst thing that could happen is that you break her heart and run that bitch straight to the cliff. Poor genetics if you ask me. Liam just sort of killed himself out of nowhere due to “inner demons”. I can’t recall any mention to his inner struggle in the story (maybe it’s there, I don’t know), but it seems more like a lazy way to offer a sacrifice to the almighty Cliff Lord. Besides committing suicide, Liam was ok.
Now to the superior gene pool: Jen and Emma. Jen was the first person to show kindness to the main character. It was apparent that she had a good heart and the best interest of her children in mind. The same couldn’t be said for her homophobic husband. I thought Jen might be the one who opposed Emma and Val together, but she recognized they were good together. Usually someone who homeschools their kid has a more closed-mind, dare I say conservative, worldview of the “L” word (lesbians), so that was a nice surprise. Emma is a genuine character who was more proactive than Val: a true go-getter. Or should I say, “Go get her”? Ba dum tiss. If she wanted to do something, she went for it. The ending where she finds out that Val betrayed her showed that she was the one who had actual feelings for her wife. Val claimed she loved Emma, but then slept around. When Emma found out about the betrayal, she killed herself. I think Emma’s love clearly outshined Val’s which is consistent with the character portrayal. Emma’s character was genuine and true in her actions while Val’s were inconsistent and didn’t always make the smartest choice.
A few things that stuck out to me:
- The opening scene mentions “holding a letter in her hand clutched with every fiber of her being” (or something like that). It’d be more effective to leave out one or the other. It’s a bit awkward since every fiber of your being isn’t in your hand.
- The spacing started out distracting, but eventually I got used to it.
- The line “…smell of salt water filled my mind” stuck out as weird. Filled your nose maybe?
- There are a lot of commas out of place.
- You used the metaphor “holding my grief like a bag of bricks on my back”. I get the image you’re trying to display, but as far as I know, people don’t carry bags of bricks on their backs. They use wheelbarrows or some easier way since bricks are goddamn heavy as shit.
- My favorite line in the entire story: “I was a little desperate for attention and Greg was supplying it by the bottle.” I thought it was a great line and fit perfectly in the setting.
- The opening page has the line “nobody ever went here (the cliff) except for those that never went back home.” A few pages later, you visit the same place and you make it back home. Plus, that happened 12 years earlier.
I found this storygame to be entertaining, which says a lot for the writing since it’s a topic I usually avoid. I give it a 3/8 for the story pace and engaging writing, but its lack of consistency, player choice, and formatting (spacing and grammar) ultimately swayed my verdict to the lower end.
on 12/11/2018 6:22:20 PM
It was a pretty good story, held my attention while I was reading it. However, is there a way to get a good ending? I've only played this story twice already, and I only got the ending where Liam killed himself and the ending where Emma left me. Maybe there is a good ending, and I just have to play through the story again. But good story, overall!
-- ILLUMINATI on 6/19/2018 11:57:16 AM
Despite being rushed and sloppy, I liked it, Orange. You had a consistent dialogue error that was particularly flagrant.
Incorrect story excerpt:
Emma looked at her in confusion, "what do you mean you know?"
Emma looked at her in confusion, "What do you mean you know?"
You actually hit the contest theme, and the story was generally entertaining. Very impressive for a last minute story.
on 6/1/2018 9:35:05 PM
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