The Legend of The Dark War
"Too few ratings to be ranked"
played times (finished )
"run through the jungle"
"A well spent lunch break"
"aren't you a little too old to be trick or treating"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG-13.
This is the amazing legend of the downtrodden soldier who saved the earth. (maybe)
I guess there’s no nice way to say this: Your story isn’t good enough to stay published. It was short, uninteresting and random. And as if that wasn’t enough, you posted 2 comments on your own story. Do you honestly think we are stupid enough to not notice that the names of the author of the story and the author of the comment match?
The story was short and there wasn’t much of a plot. The first section, where you’re in the VR, is just complete randomness. If you decide to talk the aliens, one of them somehow decides that she’s suddenly in love with you, even though you met just a few minutes ago and you’re going to leave. When you wake up, you can either follow your wife, which leads to you being arrested, because banks are only for robbing and loans don’t exist, or somehow get recruited to the army despite having brain damage.
Sure, there is a decent amount of choices. But quite often, choosing the wrong one just leads to an instant death or a restart. Some of them are also unclear, like the one where you have to choose to either say yes or say no, but there’s no explanation what you’re replying to. This story clearly has only one true path, and all other ones lead to half-assed endings. Then again, the main path’s hardly much better.
Except for the gun and the alien, all items are completely useless. The gun is also the only item that has a description. And for whatever reason, you keep all the items even after you wake up. Since they’re so pointless, it’d be better if they weren’t there at all. Instead, you could just use variables to keep track of them and make some choices only available that way.
Your spelling seems alright, unless I missed something. You seemed to really love exclamation marks on the forum, so I was worried you’d have too much of them in the story as well, but so far I’ve only found one place where you do that. You seem to have some issues with punctuation in dialogue, which is a common mistake that even End makes.
What you wrote: "You should take a look in the mirror." The sniggering general told me.
What you should’ve written: "You should take a look in the mirror," the sniggering general told me. The full stop is replaced with a comma, since the sentence doesn’t end there.
You can do better. Even though you’re 13, even though your posts on the forum so far haven’t been all that intelligent, even though you complimented your story in the comments and thought we wouldn’t notice, I still think you can do better. And you should do better, because if you think nice comments like Mizal’s are insults, then the only thing you can do to not get any criticism anymore is to publish something so good no one can complain about it ... just joking, a perfect story would be impossible to write. If you want to improve, then listen to the advice of people who are trying to help you; constructive criticism is good for you! And no, we’re not going to be nicer to you just because you’re testing the editor. You can do tests without publishing the story.
on 7/9/2018 8:20:34 AM with a score of 13
You guys, clearly the author was testing the editor. I'll contact him now to tell him about your heinous insults toward his hallowed name. :(
on 7/8/2018 8:50:19 PM with a score of 13
Ehhh. It's kind of...random? And in definite need of polishing for grammar, formatting, punctuation and the like.
Not bad for a first effort, particularly with the revelation that the 2005 in the author's name is a year of birth, but this was thrown together in two days and it shows.
I'd really recommend reading some of the top rated stories on the site and taking a little more time with the next project, and using the forum to ask for feedback and advice on your plot etc as needed.
on 7/8/2018 12:11:49 PM with a score of 13
OMG So Good! Whoever wrote this story is a genius!
on 7/5/2018 4:42:24 PM with a score of 13
Show All Comments
Help & Info
Who Is Online
166 guests and
version 20200002 | ChooseYourStory © 2001 - 2020, Halogen Studios Entertainment |