The Mortician

Player Rating5.09/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 32 ratings since 03/06/2018
played 341 times (finished 45)

Story Difficulty2/8

"walk in the park"

Play Length3/8

"A nice jog down the driveway"

Maturity Level7/8

"anything goes"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 18. If this were a movie, it would probably be R.

I ran my hand along her porcelain skin

Stillness greeted my soft touch

I kissed her smooth and lovely neck

Cold fingers stuck in my clutch

 

I did not know her when she lived

But here she was in my arms

I sniffed her hair and touched her breast

Her body would meet no harm

 

If people knew my secret fantasies

They’d surely think me mental

But they just do not understand

I am always, always gentle

Player Comments

I generally hate stories done in that poetry fashion and they never usually rank high with me.

However thanks to the dark fucked up content, I was swayed to like the story more than I normally would have done. So good job on that front.

I believe if you had made this a proper story (You know, with dialogue and such) you may have had a chance at even getting this featured because even with as little as you did due to the poetry format, the protagonist was still fleshed out pretty well as far as his thoughts and feelings. Hell, he even has character development in a few branches.

I mean its at least as descriptive as Snow and has way more possible endings than that story does.

Anyway, while it may not be a traditional love story, it’s still an entertaining one.
-- EndMaster on 6/23/2018 3:41:18 AM
This was well....Interesting.To say the very least, If I’m being honest it was twisted as hell, I found the rhymes very compelling and that was the only reason I read this piece I guess, not a new way of telling a story, just not something people use a lot on this site.Not saying I’ll be making a stop at the Local graveyard.

I really think this is the darker side of this site, I mean insanebutvain EndMaster are masters at Dark writings(I really wanna say ‘Dark Arts’),but this wall a hella a lot darker my friend.I was just when you go into either or more of these writers worlds there’s a balance of dark and light.Essential to making a story a hit, a balance that makes the story interesting and readable.

You just threw us in there with this really twisted man who has really twisted thoughts about really twisted things.Im just gonna say you NEED TO BALANCE IT.Even stories about stuff like this have pages where your not actively doing weird stuff like this.
“Loved the rhyme, hated the crime’

Maybe make it so you have for example, more info on his banker life, maybe give a better reason for what he does, not just,’Oh I just had this really weird urge and didn’t struggle at all, no regrets or any second thoughts.’

Basically what I’m saying is focusing on too much stuff is bad for writing.I give you a fat 6/8 for the rhyming efforts and yeah(Keep up ‘the work’ I guess)
-- Mistery on 3/9/2018 5:34:46 AM
Had to give this a 7 for the sheer audacity and uniqueness of the plot. It was very entertaining, disturbing, and a lot of fun to read.

Constructive criticism:

On principle I couldn't give a poem an 8. Sorry, Jesus just won't allow me to do that. Also, there were a couple of moments of inconsistency in the metre and rhyming. Finally, this was pretty short as far as stories go, regardless of the particular method of story telling used.



Overall, the idea itself pulls this up to a 7 in my opinion. This is a unique poem, and it's well worth the read. In fact, this was one of the few instances where I really felt a need to go through every possible ending. Excellent work!
-- Fluxion on 3/12/2018 12:33:13 PM
Jesus wept, man.

On a more productive note - Have you read it all out loud? It might just be a difference in accents and pronunciation, but some of the lines just don't quite flow as well as they could.
But saying that, I can't rhyme for shit.
5/8
-- Daemon_d6 on 3/6/2018 5:56:43 PM
Well that took a fucking turn. Nice little macabre horror romance. 5/8.
-- Chris113022 on 3/6/2018 4:33:33 PM
Show All Comments