The Mortician

Player Rating4.92/8

"#296 overall, #31 for 2018"
based on 66 ratings since 03/06/2018
played 1,178 times (finished 89)

Story Difficulty2/8

"walk in the park"

Play Length2/8

"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"

Maturity Level7/8

"anything goes"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 18. If this were a movie, it would probably be R.

I ran my hand along her porcelain skin

Stillness greeted my soft touch

I kissed her smooth and lovely neck

Cold fingers stuck in my clutch


I did not know her when she lived

But here she was in my arms

I sniffed her hair and touched her breast

Her body would meet no harm


If people knew my secret fantasies

They’d surely think me mental

But they just do not understand

I am always, always gentle

Player Comments

I generally hate stories done in that poetry fashion and they never usually rank high with me.

However thanks to the dark fucked up content, I was swayed to like the story more than I normally would have done. So good job on that front.

I believe if you had made this a proper story (You know, with dialogue and such) you may have had a chance at even getting this featured because even with as little as you did due to the poetry format, the protagonist was still fleshed out pretty well as far as his thoughts and feelings. Hell, he even has character development in a few branches.

I mean its at least as descriptive as Snow and has way more possible endings than that story does.

Anyway, while it may not be a traditional love story, it’s still an entertaining one.
-- EndMaster on 6/23/2018 3:41:18 AM with a score of 0
This was well....Interesting.To say the very least, If I’m being honest it was twisted as hell, I found the rhymes very compelling and that was the only reason I read this piece I guess, not a new way of telling a story, just not something people use a lot on this site.Not saying I’ll be making a stop at the Local graveyard.

I really think this is the darker side of this site, I mean insanebutvain EndMaster are masters at Dark writings(I really wanna say ‘Dark Arts’),but this wall a hella a lot darker my friend.I was just when you go into either or more of these writers worlds there’s a balance of dark and light.Essential to making a story a hit, a balance that makes the story interesting and readable.

You just threw us in there with this really twisted man who has really twisted thoughts about really twisted things.Im just gonna say you NEED TO BALANCE IT.Even stories about stuff like this have pages where your not actively doing weird stuff like this.
“Loved the rhyme, hated the crime’

Maybe make it so you have for example, more info on his banker life, maybe give a better reason for what he does, not just,’Oh I just had this really weird urge and didn’t struggle at all, no regrets or any second thoughts.’

Basically what I’m saying is focusing on too much stuff is bad for writing.I give you a fat 6/8 for the rhyming efforts and yeah(Keep up ‘the work’ I guess)
-- Mistery on 3/9/2018 5:34:46 AM with a score of 0
This was very dark and I loved it. The poem format really worked for this one. Great job!
-- C6H8O6 on 8/30/2019 3:45:30 PM with a score of 0
I played through all the choices, this is fascinatingly sick. And you are a wonderful poet. Just discovered this site. This is so cool.
-- Liz on 8/27/2019 8:56:58 PM with a score of 0
The poem based story was nicely crafted, ballad quatrains are very flexible in general to any style of topic you give them, so no complains with the context.

There were some blank verse stanzas added abruptly, which interfered with the overall rhythm, but those I think those were added with the intention to create contrast and lay more focus on important points? If that's so, maybe a different subtle approach like changing the meter could have gotten forth that without disrupting the rhythm. Speaking of changing meter, there were a few abrupt changes in the general meter too, where there wasn't really anything major; so it felt out of place.

The tale being told, is interesting, and the author has done a pretty good job in providing an insight into the character's mind and his motives; really forming a bond. It was interesting at kept my attention and was enjoyable.

Overall, this is a pretty good piece of literature, but with a few inconsistencies.
-- ShoujoAddict on 4/15/2019 2:35:15 PM with a score of 0
Had to give this a 7 for the sheer audacity and uniqueness of the plot. It was very entertaining, disturbing, and a lot of fun to read.

Constructive criticism:

On principle I couldn't give a poem an 8. Sorry, Jesus just won't allow me to do that. Also, there were a couple of moments of inconsistency in the metre and rhyming. Finally, this was pretty short as far as stories go, regardless of the particular method of story telling used.

Overall, the idea itself pulls this up to a 7 in my opinion. This is a unique poem, and it's well worth the read. In fact, this was one of the few instances where I really felt a need to go through every possible ending. Excellent work!
-- Fluxion on 3/12/2018 12:33:13 PM with a score of 0
Jesus wept, man.

On a more productive note - Have you read it all out loud? It might just be a difference in accents and pronunciation, but some of the lines just don't quite flow as well as they could.
But saying that, I can't rhyme for shit.
-- Daemon_d6 on 3/6/2018 5:56:43 PM with a score of 0
Well that took a fucking turn. Nice little macabre horror romance. 5/8.
-- Chris113022 on 3/6/2018 4:33:33 PM with a score of 0
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