11/26/2016

2/27/2022 5:30 AM

60

1

2 wins / 1 loss

Marauder

The Hanging of Jordan Nickler

A hanging, a missing child, and a rotten smell lingers over a certain town.

A short storygame that takes place roughly in 19th century North America. 3 different endings.

Made for mizal's Lone Hero Contest.



PS: Apparently, the Wild West had gun control. Nice.

Bedsheets

unpublished

Deadline

unpublished

https://nanowrimo.org/participants/jacoder23

I expect nothing from myself and will still get disappointed.

Still, I'll be trying my best; even if I'm very much the opposite of a prolific writer.

Ozoni, are you alright?

L. Buh-bye.

I did another one before I slept. It has a very weird rhyming scheme but then again I think that fits the content.

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Bucketful of Teeth (100 words)

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I found a bucketful of teeth one day,
When I entered our backyard to play
Fetch with our dog amidst spring in May
Instead he chose to dig up a deposit which lay
A container holding dentals in various states of decay,
Held in a simple array:
Two sides--the bland, and those that display
Extraordinary occurrences in no way passe,
Qualities that mere words alone cannot convey.
Some were from wine drinkers, smelling of cabernet.
One from Einstein, it emitted gamma rays.
Hip hip hurray!
I tore my teeth out and in came Claude Monet's!
Oh, what a fantastic day!

I like the subtle fix of "less" to "fewer". That actually gave me an idea that will hopefully land.

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Ein (100 words)

They sent me away, tried to get rid of me, and buried me in the prison they called a bunker.

When the last of our defenses collapsed they begged me to escape, but I couldn't bear it any longer. My country, my struggle, they were all gone.

Now, I was the one who sent them away.

The only person with me was my beloved wife.

We had two pills--and a bullet just to be sure.

"Goodbye, Eva."

With a sip of water, I took out my pistol for the last time.

"Now, there is one less."

Bang.

"..."

"One Führer."

I had a bit of free time from writing, as my dad dragged me out to the barber shop, so I got to read Broken Hunger for a little bit. I haven't gone through the other branches yet so I can't comment on the structure, but I'll discuss what I can. Do note, that I'm just basing this off of what I've experience thus far in the story, which is the War Scientist path. First off, let me just congratulate you for writing 100,000 words--fucking hell, that's several times longer than my own (still-in progress) story, and is in itself a huge accomplishment. Now let me talk to about the prose. The grammar isn't the best, that's for sure; and, there were some odd word choices that don't always fit. But from time to time, a few sections stood out as quite strong to me (e.g. "You try to maintain a confident swagger and a cheerful carefree attitude with the fresh new members of the crew."), and show the diamond in the rough this story is. However there are quite a few sentences that just confuse me, especially in the latter half of the story. One example is, "And here I am, in a fucking real old empire ship and feel like ashes pushed back by a storm." How exactly does it feel like to be 'ashes pushed back by a storm'? I can't easily relate to this phrase, as I've never have been or seen ashes flying in a storm. What feeling are you trying to evoke here? That said, I did enjoy the story and setting and I especially loved Endmaster's "Honk, honk" cameo. Some parts seemed like they didn't contribute to the plot like the cafeteria scene, mostly because the characters we can choose to interact with there don't really reappear later, and the actual interactions are very short. I'll have to go over this again later before, but those are just my initial thoughts.

Yeah, @JACODER23! How dare you take my name and slander it with capitalization!

Perfect. A chance to redeem myself for my last mess of a story. I'll join now and probably forget about until the last minute!

I don't think pissing off Mr. Magic is good idea since he can apparently hypnotize our ass. A.