Blue or red?

This game ain't even done. I don't even really think this is what Foucault meant. I mean I guess if you wanted to make a dystopia based on Foucault the panopticon would be an easy choice, but the whole point of his writing there was that he was talking about the world we DO live in, and the ways which systems of power do influence our lives, how authoritarianism isn't just something that happens from the top down, etc. He wasn't writing about how best to control people-- That would've bee Jeremy Bentham, a 1700s guy who, appalled by the way institutions of his time would enforce their rules and systems by direct violence and brutality, sought to create a more comprehensive and "humane" system to exercise power over people he believed needed to be supervised or controlled. Hospitals, asylums, prisons, whatever. Foucault didn't propose that this was the only way to control people, he merely pointed out that metaphorical panopticons were a way societies often do control people already, and people rightfully found this idea creepy and thought-provoking.

The idea is translated over *extremely literally* here, and while there's nothing inherently wrong with that, it does so in a way that is extremely strange and misses the point. The protagonist is never aware that he's being watched until things are spelled out for him, he just *feels* like he's being watched in a very schizophrenia-esque way, which defeats the purpose of a panopticon where knowing for sure that you could be being watched, not illicitly spied upon, but like watched at any time and it would be the right of the observer to do so, is part of the point.

The allegory and demonstration of how this sort of thing works has its legs cut out from under it just so that it could feel like uncovering a conspiracy, like The Matrix. But while The Matrix also uses symbolism and allegory to translate themes from philosophy into very literal things with varying degrees of success, it's also drawing from, and pointing out, a lot of different sources and not just Foucault. This story which aims to explore themes of surveillance does so in ways that would seem to indicate a lack of understanding of the source material outside of "The idea of surveillance makes me feel paranoid and if someone was surveiling me I would want to join a rebellion or something". Which is... Maybe an indictment of Bentham's 300 year old thesis, I guess, even though the digital and social panopticon here isn't even really implemented right? It doesn't really touch on anything Foucault said except that the internal regulation of the self meant to be brought about by a panopticon is also caused and used in different ways by existing authorities, and it doesn't always have to be like a literal architectural feature-- Except this story doesn't really say anything about that either.

I'm confused and have learned nothing from this story, and I worry that the same could be said for the author.

Well I was gong to just rate this a 1 and be done, because lol, it's a rushed 600 word almost entirely linear story with dead end pages.

But there's a germ of a decent idea here, enough that it's worth mentioning anyway. The opening page puts forward an idea that COULD work as the basis of a more interesting story. The rest unfortunately is more like a bare bones series of notes on that potential story. You're given info on this facility, and then "somehow" slip in "unnoticed" despite the entire thing being about having your every move watched. Then the reader gets a summary explaining how the MC is told everything; just like breaking into the facility, none of this is considered interesting enough to be written out.

Finally, and eye rollingly unoriginal red and blue pill choice. Not even unoriginal really, more like just stolen--and they lead to slightly different endings at least, but they're left as dead end pages. The only choices besides this one are to stop investigating at a couple of points and be left at the same generic ending page.

Inspired, this is not. I'm actually giving the benefit of the doubt here that this wasn't some generated mess lazily strung together, and will as such encourage the author to rewrite the idea into something more fleshed out.

Also, I'm STILL going to rate this a 1, because lol, it's a rushed 600 word almost entirely linear story with dead end pages.

If this is for a class or something, I'd recommend the author unpublish it and just make sure it's in sneak peek (the title and description will be in your profile) and just share the link directly with whoever needs to view it. It's otherwise going to be unpublished once a few other people have time to grab their free point and optionally mention that this is not a good writing.

I'd really have recommended taking a look at some other storygames on the site before hitting the publish button on this, but, better luck next time.

No. Just no. This… I refuse to call it a story game as there’s only one choice that I can see that doesn’t lead to a dead end. The constructive criticism is too much, but I’ll try to hit the highlights.

1) There was zero plot. Even the worst rated game on this site that managed to avoid deletion, Gay and Depressed, had better plot line than this. The most painful games on this site, that made me question the future of humanity, still had plot, albeit horribly written, nonsensical plot. This was two badly written plagiarized scenes from The Matrix.

2) If you’re going to make a story this bad, AT LEAST put in end game links to the pill decision the end so it can be over quickly.

I genuinely wish I had a single positive thing to say. At least one thing that shows promise. Hell, even the fanfic stories on here try to put their own original spin on it. The only thing you did to make this story “different” then the above mentioned matrix scenes was change the protagonist’s name from Neo to Noah. Which, from what I’m seeing, is a sad but unfortunately accurate commentary on your creativity.

“One day, Billy woke up and went downstairs. His mom and dad told him that Old Man Frank down the street had died. He used to pay Billy a dollar to rake his leaves. Billy was sad because he wouldn’t make a dollar every week anymore. The End.”

That was a short story I just wrote on the spot that consists of less than fifty words. A kindergartner could write that. It is still more creative and interesting than the travesty I just witnessed.

This needs to be taken down as soon as possible. I would call it a mockery of CYS story site standards, but that would be implying it has a purpose.

1/8

3/8

Not a very interesting story seemed boring. Concept is overused, I read similar stories like this. Still, I'd recommend it as a first story for someone who is new.

4/8 - I think This was a nice story but I feel like it could be better if you added more to it