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The rise of the Serpent order

5 years ago

Hello there. Lookslike I'm back, with another writing I got together today. First off though, I sincerely thank all those who commented me on my first post. It was very encouraging and I actually read some more novels to see how some stuff work. While I'm still far from a good quality, I gave this another shot and wrote something else. This could be starting of a story, or some interaction novel. Either way, please bear with me and write down a few words into the magical reply box. :)
Oh, and here's this so called stuff I did:

***

Beneath a mansion hid in a thick wood, a group of hooded figures gather together in a basement hall. Their white clothes painted with red serpents, their face concealed behind masks. Most are men, and if you look at them thoroughly, you see women here and there.

Nobody talks. All eyes are set on a big, wooden door which shows signs of decay. At far end of the hall, a fire crackles in a pail stony fireplace.

The door suddenly opens, revealing the tall man behind it. The man wears the same clothes but his face is not hooded. He walks in. The masked people stand up simultaneously and bow at him as he walks stiffly to a big chair having carved serpents all on it.

Some figures begin a slight whisper. Slowly, one by one they unmask their faces.

The one closest to door has scars and bruises over his face. His gaze is firm, and his battered nose seems to be missing some parts.

“Zaniyar. Been a long time since the last time we met.”

The new comer says to the man, which causes the sounds to die quickly.

“Yes, general. I was arrested by the security intelligence agents. It’s three days since I’m out. As soon as I got your message, I quickly came here.”

“Quite obvious. You seem tormented.”

Zaniyar nods in agreement: “Lucky me the bastards couldn’t dig any information out of me. They confiscated my belongings though.”

“Ah, how sad. Good to have you tonight. Please seat down.”

Zaniyar nods and takes a seat beside a young girl.

“How about you, Kiarash?”

A young guy stands up. He has black mustache and there are several wound traces under his pointed chin.

“I’m fine.” The figure sat back down, ignoring the general’s gaze.

“I thought you’ve forgiven me by now, son.”

“Well, you were wrong old pig.”

Several people around him inhale their breath loudly. One beckons him to apologize.

“Oh Kiarash, years of imprisonment haven’t yet taut you to hold other’s dignity?”

“I’m afraid no,” Says kiarash.

“I don’t respect people who murder my family.”

“I didn’t kill your father son; it was his fault. I warned him not to…“

“You easily could have prevented him!” shouts Kiarash, interrupting general’s speech.

“Many like my father go die because of your absurd ideas! Yet you seat here and try to bitch at others for your own blunders!”

“Listen, if you don’t talk to me calmly I’ll have to…”

“Have to do what! Kill me or hand me over to security agents? butcher me and throw me out there to be eaten by animals? Or perhaps burn me alive and pretend that I was killed in an accident!”

“Enough said boy, Get back in your seat.”

Zaniyar says suddenly, eyeing him with his frightening gaze.

“Let him express his way of thinking toward me. If that’s what he thinks I am,”

he casts a look at now enraged Kiarash. “No general. He is just got carried away. He’d be fine soon.” A middle aged woman stands up.

Just by a glimpse, anybody can tell that this woman is Kiarash’s mother or somewhat a close relative.

“Ah dear Sara. It’s good to have you back again.”

Kiarash returns back to his seat looking dejected.

“Same here general, I’m so glad I was invited to this gathering.”

“of course, tonight is a very special night. One that should not be forgotten. Tonight, Serpents order would be back on its feet again.”

Several combatants let out shouts and more begin clapping.

The general puts his hand up and all noise suddenly cease down.

“Thank you, thank you. I have to admit I’m impressed by your reactions. Now, let’s get down to our business.”

***To be continued***

The rise of the Serpent order

5 years ago
Commended by mizal on 1/25/2019 4:10:32 PM

Welcome back, glad you decided to give this another go.

You've improved from last time, there seem to be less noticeable errors so it looks like reading novels helped you. As for the content, this is just the initial setup as you said; there aren't many elements to comment on but the characters you introduced could develop some interesting dynamics. In short, it would be a good opening for a story.

I did say there were less noticeable errors, didn't I? That doesn't mean that this excerpt is flawless of course. Therefore, I decided to list all the errors (even minor typos) that I spotted as I read, leaving out the ones I wasn't sure about. So here we go, proofreading hunt!

• Title capitalization ;)

hid > hidden

face > faces

and if you look at them > "but if you look at them" makes more sense in my opinion but this is really nitpicking

At far end > At the far end

pail > don't know what you were going for here, maybe "pale stony fireplace"

• bow at him bow to him

• a big chair having carved serpents all on it a big chair with serpents engravingsa big chair entirely engraved with serpents etc.

• begin a slight whisper > either something like "begin to faintly whisper" or "begin to talk in a slight whisper"

• closest to door closest to the door

• over his face on his face

• we met." The new comer says we met," the newcomer says - I suggest looking up dialogue punctuation as it is one of the most common errors, even among native speakers. I also think that "newcomer", although correct in the more literal meaning, could be confusing in a dialogue when referred to the general of the order, since it usually means someone with little to no experience in a certain environment.

• causes the sounds to die quickly > you should specify which sounds, e. g. causes the whispering around them to die quickly or causes all sounds around them to die away/down

• It's three days since I'm out It's three days I'm out or It's been three days since I got out

• nods in agreement: nods in agreement.

• black mustache a black mustache

• wound traces scars or wounds (or wound marks I guess)

• sat sits

• you've forgiven me you had forgiven me

• inhale their breath loudly inhale deeply (or loudly); it's usually implied that people inhale their breath/air

• taut taught

• to hold other's dignity > I don't know what you were trying to say here, maybe something like to have some dignity/respect or to be respectful of others

• "I'm afraid no," Says kiarash > "I'm afraid not," says Kiarash

• You easily could have prevented him! You could have easily prevented it/that! or You could have easily stopped him! You can also put easily at the end of the sentence if I'm not mistaken.

• general's speech ?the general's speech

• butcher Butcher

• Get > get

?• seat." > seat,"

• "Let him express his way of thinking toward me. If that's what he thinks I am," "Let him express his feelings toward/for me, if that's what he really thinks of me." This is not the best example but I tried to come up with something without losing your original meaning. Another interpretation could be "Let him express his thoughts/ideas to me, if that's what he really thinks/believes." Either way, look up prepositions and common phrases, they're tricky but very important.

• he casts a look at now enraged Kiarash. He casts a look/glance at a now enraged Kiarash. You also have to specify who, otherwise someone could think you're talking about Zaniyar instead of the general. E. g. the general says, casting a look at a now enraged Kiarash. Kiarash has been enraged from the start btw, he doesn't seem to have become angry just now.

• He is just got carried away. He'd be fine soon. > He just got carried away. He'll be fine soon.

• A middle aged woman stands up > not much of an error, but I would have put this before her line of dialogue or alternatively linked it to the dialogue with something like a middle aged woman says, standing up.

• somewhat a close relative a somewhat close relative

• of course Of course

• should not be forgotten > maybe you did mean should, but maybe you meant shall

• would be back will be back

• cease down dies downceasesstops etc

• let's get down to our business let's get down to business

The rise of the Serpent order

5 years ago

At Under: wow! Thank you very much for proofreading this! I never imagined that I'd be having that much errors :( Guess I should get back to the reading corner again...
Have a nice day

The rise of the Serpent order

5 years ago

Don't worry, I would probably find as many errors in other stories on the site, it's just that I wanted to point them all out to let you know what you have to check. Some of them are clearly just typos or errors caused by distraction. Your ideas are good though and as I said, your grammar has improved from last time.