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I wrote this short story a while ago and I was wondering if it was any good cus I haven’t really had anybody read it.

A knock on the door wakes you from your slumber. Pushing a beer can off your chest you survey your surroundings. Empty pill bottles and crushed beer cans are littered across the filthy couch where you have been sleeping. The most horrific item in the room is a bloody kitchen knife laying on the stained marble table.

“This is the police, Open up!” Yells the person at your door.

“Run,” a voice tells you.

“What!”

“Run,” the voice camly says back.

“Who are you?!” You scream in frustration as the knocking gets more intense.

“Run,” the monotonous voice repeats.

“Open this door or I will blast through it!” Yells the policeman.

“Run,” says the voice again. So you run. Through the kitchen, passing a dead woman with a stab wound in her chest. Out the backdoor, over the fence, and into your neighbor’s backyard. You make your way down the block hopping fences as you go, praying the policeman doesn't catch up to you. After reaching an intersection you decide to go down a street called Glory Avenue. Finding a gas station you reach down into your pocket and find a wallet with fifty dollars in it. You buy a water bottle and head to the smelly, dirty, and just overall a detestable bathroom. Looking into the cracked mirror you wonder who that woman was and whose house was that. Wait a second, … who are you? You can’t think of anything, not even a name. Pulling out your wallet you find your ID and trace your fingers around the name Conner Mackey. Studying your face in the mirror you see a blonde thirty-year old man with a handsome face and a scar running down your lower lip. The cops must be coming for you and by now they should know who you are and what you look like. You decide to buy sunglasses and a baseball cap which you pull down low over your hair. You pay for it with a credit card you found in your wallet. As soon as the cashier swipes the card, he looks up at you and reaches for the phone.

“Run,” the voice from the house tells you. Without arguing this time, you do.


Thanks for reading, I’d appreciate any criticism or tips you can give me, thanks!

The main character seems a bit too calm to have just woken up to a murder scene. I’d say try to make him seem less apathetic, and more terrified about his situation. 

I liked it, mainly because of the mystery voice. The rest of the story was the usual opening of an amnesiac finding himself at a crime scene, but the voice gives it a touch of eerie charm. I hope it isn't just the voice of his conscience because that would dull it all down a bit.

As for your writing skills, you can pace a short story well enough and you almost know how to punctuate dialogue, which means you're on a good level. As a rule, your dialogue tags should always be in lowercase, even after following an exclamation or question mark inside quotations. Typos aside, it was a good piece. Maybe not as self-contained as should be expected by a short story, but not bad.

I’m writing other chapters for this so that’s is probably the reason it felt a little off. Thank you very much for the tips!

He has two other short chapters written on google docs, and they explain a little bit more of the story (kind of). I’m also excited for more though!