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I'm very new here and have never written a story game before but had a basic idea for one. I have written the first page so far and plan to have three main paths that branch off of this first page. As the title of this post implies, I am looking for initial feedback on the overall idea and direction of this story. I know there is not much here, but I want to start it off on the right foot and see if this concept is actually interesting to a reader. Here's the first page:

“So, which one will it be?” asks the priest.

You are suddenly whisked out of your daydream about what you will be able to do once this whole ordeal is over. The ordeal, of course, being the all too familiar Crystaling, a ritual that every noble goes through on their 18th birthday in which they choose one of three colored gemstones to keep with themselves for the remainder of their natural lives. You have sat through these time and time again and do not really see the point in going through with it. You are only just starting your training to become a librarian under the guidance of Alfred Blitz, a tall man with a square face, thin black hair, and sunken eyes. He used to be a wizard, but he lost his touch and now he spends his days toiling away in the royal library. You have tried to ask him about what it was like being a wizard, but he always shrugs you off and tells you to organize books by page number or something else monotonous, so you have stopped trying to pry.

With your focus back on the three gems in front of you, you try to remember what you can about the properties of each one.

The first is the grizmald, a dark green gem with a relatively dull look compared to the other two. This gem is said to give the bearer an affinity with nature. Someone with this gem is easily able to grow any plant they wish and gains an affinity with wild animals. Some who choose this gem choose to become druids later in life, not that this sounds particularly interesting to you.

The second is an azulire, this gem reminds you of the sea near Newport and boasts a light yet appealing sea blue color. Someone who bears an azulire is prone to being more perceptive and usually gains an increased intellect. Some say that this gem can also allow the bearer to breathe under water for short periods of time, but this has never been fully tested before.

The last is a flarian, this fiery red gem is the most dazzling and also the most interesting. Unlike the other two, a flarian does not provide much in terms of passive abilities. Most agree that it does almost nothing when being worn by the bearer except for glowing when danger is near. Some say that they feel stronger when holding it, but you are pretty sure this is a placebo effect. The real power of a flarian comes out when you need it most. At any time, one can smash the gem by using both hands and a firm grip to unleash its full power. Most people who choose this gem never use it because they never have need and because of its extreme value. The few who have smashed a flarian said it increased their strength, intellect, and dexterity tenfold for almost an hour. However, this brief moment of power comes at a high cost. Most people who have experienced the full power of a flarian try anything to get their hands on another one. It is a high rivaled by nothing else and can be detrimental to anyone who learns to crave the power after it is gone

You remember that Alfred encouraged you to pick the azulire, since it gives the bearer an increased intellect. Alfred picked this one when he went through his Crystaling and found it to be very useful. Now is the time to get serious about your career, so it might be a good idea to pick this one. However, no one is forcing you to pick any one of these, so it is ultimately up to your discretion.


Pick the Grizmald
Pick the Azulire
Pick the Flarian

Overall idea: it's fine. More showing instead of telling would have filled the details of the idea in more, but, even as unfleshed out as it is, it's compelling enough for me to continue reading the story.

Direction of the story: it's good. It makes sense for the first choice to be which gem you pick given the premise of the story.

     Ok I started to read but even without reading past the first sentence, please break up your paragraphs. There's also (in my opinion, this isn't entirley objective) not enough characterization or worldbuilding.

EDIT:

     Ok, now I have read it. This is decent. I still have the problem where you should break up the sentences, but that's not a mojor issue unless you want to publish a high-effort story filled with big blocky paragraphs.

     I like the setup, it seems good, but I think you should make this longer. Not only should this moment be longer, stack on the importance of this decision (and if it's not important, don't put so much weight on it) and even then I think it'd be better if you had at least some snippets before this.

     I'm suggesting this so the reader can get a feel of the mc's personality, get more information on other important characters already in the story, to build up the world, for more a more vivid moment, ect. I also think you should change how the gems work a bit and/or make them more of a side thing because as is it seems only the flarian has risk, and you mentioning the mc thinks the grizmald is bland and that the azulire was recommended by the librarian Alfred makes one gem seem highly logical.

      As for continuing the story, you seem to have a basis here but it's hard to give advice when this snippet is all you've given us to work with. Going to your story, it seems you haven't written anything down yet but maybe that's just you waiting for more in depth advice.

     Because it's a priest telling this to the noble, I asume it probably has ties to whatever religion this land has. And I'm a tad confused, does your story work differently than most fantasies with nobles? Er, that's bad sorry. My question is, usually nobles don't have "jobs" exactly so I'm a bit confused. Unless I'm just stupid which really isn't that surprising if that's the case.

     So from what I can tell, choosing the grizmald is a garentee that you'll end up a druid? Why is this? And if the full power of a flarian is hardly ever used, than why is it so valuable? Because it's a gem? Maybe it's really pretty? If you say because you can sell it for a lot of money to people who will use it, than it's not used less but by more common folk. Or maybe someone else in high social standing hording it for their benifit, or the kingdom/kingdom's rulers for a war or something.

     And because you were wondering, I think it could be really interesting to a reader! Almost any idea could, it just heavily depends on the reader's attention span and acceptance and the writer's quality. Most readers on this site are pretty acceptant, and have no problem with a variety of stories. Like, Eternal is one of the most popular stories on this site if you want an idea of what kind of stuff these people are ok with so if your story is well written I'm sure it'll be fine.

     I would try to give more advice, but there's really not a lot to go off of. Have a good day, and good luck with your story. :D

 

      TL;DR: make it longer, don't info dump (spread it out), put more or less importance on the gems, and add more characterization and worldbuilding to start. I highly suggest you read my whole post when you can though, this short bit isn't as helpful.

     Oh, also, you may want to look at this. There are also a ton of articles helpful for writing.