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I originally  started work on this story a few months back but due to applying for colleges ect i got heavily sidetracked and have done little work so far on it and even though it would be my first story im quite worried on whether it would live up to a high standard and whether id be able to keep the concept fresh ( the story is a horror story in which i attempt to break the horror genre conventions but in a serious manner for the most part and is called "cliche horror story?")Heres the first few pages (id like to know your thoughts on my style of writing or plot ideas ect.

Intro

You walk through the streets.sillence taking reign over the night.You reach your house the lights are off.They shouldn't be. A foreboding sense of dread runs through your whole body.Your hand runs over your leg your hidden knife holster and the blade is still inside.

Choices-

• Pull out the knife and be prepared to use it?
• Walk right in it'll (probably) be fine? 

Pull out the knife and be prepared to use it (option)

You remove the knife from its sheath as you cautiously open the door. That's when you see it.A figure stood in the doorway holding a baseball bat.You think to yourself ive been wanting a new one for a while now.You dash towards him aiming for his unprotected throat which you do as you cut him off mid sentence "happ-" stumbling back in suprise he begins  to cough and splutter blood.He falls to his knees and desperately attempts to tug at the knife now embedded in his throat but to no avail.The lights suddenly switch on as  a sympathy of screams destroy the once silent urban street. you glance up as a gallery of familiar faces stare back at you in pure horror.Your last thought before the  police arrive is " fuck me i forgot its my birthday today "

Walk right in it'll (probably) be fine? (option)

You walk in and  for a single second your heart stops followed by immediate relief as.... the lights turn on and your bombarded by screams of "happy Birthday!"(pfft sure was lucky you didn't get  your knife out  right?) 

End (of the stuff on this post )

(Please take into consideration that this is really early on and even though i am about 20 pages further on than this small section not all of it are finished pieces and are a bare bones draft of sorts and i am only 16 so my writing style most likely isn't brilliant at this point till i get more practice and there may be grammar or spelling errors as i couldnt copy or paste it for some reason and quickly had to copy it up)

 

Can the idea work? Sure, ANY idea CAN work, given enough massaging. Here's my first comments:

1. Capitalization. It might be a minor thing to some people, but I absolutely cringe every single time I see the word "I" in lower case letters.
2. Tense. It makes things difficult to readers to follow when you change tense. For me, I usually end up stopping, going back, re-reading, and trying to comprehend what is really meant. For example, you write, "You remove the knife from its shealth as you cautiously open the door. That's when you see it. A figure stood in the doorway..." You start out active: you remove, you cautiously. Then suddenly its past tense: a figure stood. If it is active (and that's best for writing), it should be "A figure stands..."
3. Short and early deaths: this is an area that can be discussed and is really about personal preference. That said, I've seen comments a number of times on all sorts of stories related to, "One choice and death?" and "too linear, die or make the right choice." I don't know what the balance is, but if most of the rest of the pages of your story have two choices and one leads to death, you're going to get complaints.
4. Descriptions: The story seems fine, but you can add a lot more -- I have also seen many complaints when there are only a few lines of text. If this is a story, on your first page you can add so much more detail: where have you been? What's going on? What's the weather like? Is Mrs. Johnson, the nosy neighbor watching you walk home like usual?

Hey, you asked, right? Good luck with it, I can certainly see a lot of potential for a story there.