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Hitchhiking Story In The Making

8 years ago

So this is just a sample of a story I'm in the process of creating.

It is a dark, dreary night. You are driving your family from Pine Grove Furnace State Park in Pennsylvania after a camping trip. As you are driving down a barren road in Boiling Springs not too far from the campsite, a dark figure stands out. He is signaling to you that he needs a ride somewhere. After pulling over, he goes to the window and says, "Get out of the fucking car!," in a tone defining that he is not to be messed with. 

So what should I improve on to make it better? What should happen next? Should I make this a reality?

 

Hitchhiking Story In The Making

8 years ago
Purple prose belongs only in parody.

Hitchhiking Story In The Making

8 years ago

That opening sentence is only a couple of words away from 'it was a dark and stormy night' so lol, yeah, that definitely needs to go to have this taken seriously.

'After pulling over, he goes to the window and says, "Get out of the fucking car!," in a tone defining that he is not to be messed with.'

Pay attention to how you word your sentences, in this case you make it sound like the hitchhiker is the one pulling over. The comma after the explanation point is unneeded as well. 

The whole hitchhiker thing is a classic horror trope and I could see a story going a lot of ways from here, but I can't stress enough how important your intro is, as the part of the story that hooks people or turns them away. 

One question I'd be asking if I was playing this as a published storygame is why I was railroaded into pulling over in the middle of the night for a hitchhiker at all. It's obviously a pretty stupid thing to do, and in a game about choices I'd resent such a major one being denied right off the bat.

Hitchhiking Story In The Making

8 years ago

I will keep that in mind when I make the actual story (I haven't started yet). 

Hitchhiking Story In The Making

8 years ago

By the way, I kind of rushed while making this because my computer crashes on a regular basis.