Forums » Creative Corner » Read Thread

Here's a tiny story I wrote for little children, for fun. It's kinda rushed but it's definitely a boring little Christmas tale.

 

Once upon a time, on a Christmas Eve, a little child was anxiously waiting for the next days to come. His name was Brian and he loved eating chocolate. In fact, he was so into it, he wrote a letter, asking Santa Claus to bring him as much chocolate as he could. His parents were so happy their kid had found a hobby! Little Brian hated vegetables, fruits and all kinds of healthy food. He was an only child, so his parents did all the favors he asked for. Sometimes, the other kids in school made fun of him because he was so fat and greedy. But Brian laughed and said "Give some chocolate for the needy!"

So, on this Christmas Eve, Brian was so excited because he had made the most incredible plan ever! On the next year, he would eat as much chocolate as possible. He had heard of those Guinness records and he definetely wanted one of them. He daydreamed for a while sitting on his bed and later he fell asleep. In his dream, he saw some awful things. He saw people getting sick, he saw hospitals, prisons and every horrible situation he could ever imagine. He watched people suffering. He just stared for a bit but then...Santa arrived! Brian ran towards him and told him about all of the things that he had seen. But Santa smiled enigmatically and told him "All of the things that you saw, actually happen in real life. All people should get informed about that and help each other in every way they can. Being greedy isn't one way to help, is it?". Brian thanked Santa and started thinking. The next day, he woke up. He ran into the living room, waved at his parents and saw his stocking was full. He opened all the presents, toys and clothes happily. He found a tiny box underneath all those presents. He opened it and found a small chocolate piece. Then, a little paper fell onto his hands and he read "From Santa. A little bit of chocolate doesn't hurt though, does it?" Brian ate it and spent a wonderful Christmas with his family without the need of eating chocolate all the time but reminded he should help people more often. Giving his presents to the poor would be great. He had the time of his life when he donated his presents afterwards witb his father. He would become a great man.

The End.

What? A happy ending?

So, let me get this straight, a picky land-whale hates practically anything healthy, and as a Christmas present requests the one thing he will enjoy. So Santa, being Santa, shows this kid some rather unpleasant aspects of life (which he should already know?) and tells him pretty much, 'Oi, quit being spoiled.". Then on Christmas day, he gets a small piece of candy, and decides to donate all his presents away?   Seriously, if I was the father, I would be PO'd because I done spent my money getting my brat some gifts, just to have him turn around and give it away? If he wanted to donate, then other people's gifts aren't a good place to start!

(EDIT) Oh, written for small children, makes sense. Although, those small children have quite a minefield to traverse to find this story. Good story.

Well I had written a really long and detailed critique but my phone decided to die on me right before I posted it, so that's gone. It was probably too long anyway. I don't have the will to point out all your errors again, so I'll just say that there are many awkwardly worded sentences and the passages don't always link up well with each other. There are also weird plot points as Ficsean has already mentioned. I, too, expected the kid to die of diabetes or something in the end. This site has spoiled me.

Ah, thank you both for the reviews. And thanks @undr for that long review even if it's dead. 

To be honest, I didn't actually think that you people would like the translated version but I wrote it and put it there anyway just in case... 

Yeah I had a feeling you weren't a native speaker. Where are you from?

Oh, it's that obvious? I am Greek.

It's just that some of the things you wrote are awkward in a way that feels translated. I know that because I'm not a native speaker either, I'm Italian. Greek? Cool, una faccia una razza.

Right.

Ah, I know I am a tad bit late, but while we are on the topic of native languages, Tá mé Gaeilge (I'm Irish)!

For me, I kind of learned English and Irish at the same time, so they are both natural for me. Although, I am surprised. I didn't know you guys weren't native English.

By the way, the Ficsean in my name is also in Irish; my username in English is Fiction_Chef.

Which variety of Irish?

I was taught Hiberno-English, which is a combination of Irish and English. For comparison, imagine something like Spanglish (Spanish + English), the Christmas song Feliz Navidad is a great example. For me, I learned a dialect that combines the two languages, hence my knowledge for both languages.

Actually I meant more, do you actually live in Ireland, and if so which half?

I don't actually live in Ireland. My mother's side of the family lives mostly in Northern Ireland, which I believe may still be a part of UK, though you shouldn't quote me on that.

Anyway, it is from my mother where I learned Irish and got my Irish blood.

(EDIT) I realize that my first post on the matter states that I am Irish, which now thinking about it, while I do have Irish in me, I am not a pure-blooded Irishman. Sorry about that.

Well that's mostly a distinction that matters to people living in Ireland, and really, who cares about them.

What the hell, Santa has power over dreams now? I'm not sure where that cookie gobbling bastard gets off criticizing the eating habits of a small child who only has access to what his parents buy him, but given this terrifying new revelation I think Little Brian did the smart thing. Attempting to defy Santa would only lead to endless nightmares until he had no choice but to give in.

I wish you had focused on that angle, you wouldn't have had to introduce your own story as boring then.