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Singer in Black

5 years ago

Short poem I put together, curious as to what people think. I know poetry isn't supposed to be a treasure hunt as some people tend to make it out to be, but I tried to make every line work towards a common meaning, and wondering how it worked out. Criticism of any kind of is welcome.

Singer in Black
———————
There once lived a man who sung songs in dark hues,
With many a tear shed over his pain, 
Yet none wished to walk in his shoes,
All knew of the troubles he could not explain.
With a crowd below him and a rod in his hand,
Joins a league of names engraved in stone,
When he sings time stops its shifting sands,
He whistles to many, yet still stands alone,
Sings a grave little tune as his fists shovel bone.

Singer in Black

5 years ago

I don't like it as a poem. But could be a really amazing Song tale a bard sing in an old tavern, just before the adventure beginning.  it is atmospheric and captures that spirit. I recommend you write a short story about that a travelling bard singing songs.

Singer in Black

5 years ago

I see, thank you. Maybe it would fit into that, but I'd have to adjust it a bit considering it's pretty grim as is. But thanks for the suggestion.

Singer in Black

5 years ago

Lines #2-#4 have some awkward/cliche phrasing and over explain. The first line is great, "sung songs in dark hues" is already evocative of pain, trouble, and perhaps a dark career or fate. So 2-4 are not needed.

For the rest, the idea is good but the tense seems to flip between past and present. The meter feels off (try reading aloud and counting syllables. Since '...stone' is only a 9 syllable line, '....stands alone' feels clunky/wordy at 11 syllables. You could drop 'still' and change 'he whistles' to 'whistling' which would help.

 

Some words are repetitive (sings) and the grammar seems off following the commas. E.g. the last sings should be singing. 'Stone, When' would make more sense with a period ending the sentence: 'stone. When....'

Singer in Black

5 years ago

Noted, thank you, the feedback is greatly appreciated. Will make adjustments and try to improve it in a bit, when I have a little more free time. 

Singer in Black

5 years ago

Is this any better? I tried to follow your criteria, let me know how it works out.

Singer in Black
———————
There once lived a man who sung songs in dark hues.
He preached his own pain, and the listeners wept,
They yearned for his life, their flame burning his fuse,
So he burned it all down, as his silence soon crept.
With a crowd below him and a rod in his hand,
Soon he joined a league of names engraved in stone.
When he sung time stopped its shifting sands,
Though he whistled to many, he still stood alone,
Played a grave little tune as his fists shoveled bone.