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A deeper understanding is necessary for me.
I am always searching for the "why?"
See, I spent my entire life in the dark,
an obsessive nyctophile,
made this way by the confusion of others.

My father's manipulation.
My mother's devotion to madness.
Shaping my future of rational,
making there none.
My compass was broken before I ever had the chance to breathe a life on the open waters of humanity.
I was laid in the boat of survival,
and forced to float among the sirens without any net of safety.
You
were suppose to be my safety.

See, no one teaches you how to swim when all they know is drowning.
They just drag you down with them underneath the waves
like an anchor weighed down by their own poor life choices,
and you become the collateral damage of their own inner destruction.
A parent failing cannot have a child succeed.
It would be an outward admittance of their own guilt and shortcomings.
Something that no one is ready to see.

You are taught to listen to their words,
but trust their actions.
Manipulation is modeled and ingrained into your bones
till only confusion runs through your veins
and your heartbeat mimics the sound of failed attempts at perfection.
But they still demand perfection.
You trust their actions,
so you listen.
But it doesn't match their words and they told you,
they told you what to do,
but you didn't listen
so
you failed.
So the next time they tell you with their words,
you listen.
You do exactly as they say,
like an obedient soldier in the war.
The blind leading the blind.
You do exactly what they say.
But their words don't match their actions,
so you don't trust their actions,
so you don't listen
and
you
failed.
And all you're left wondering after all the dust settles is,
"What do I do?"
"What do you mean?"

Wow. You clearly have a profound ability to self-reflect on your past and your pain. I hope you continue to nurture that gift and one day reach a place where you’re not just surviving your wounds, but breaking the generational pattern for good. I think most of us here felt this on an emotional level, as it reflects so much of our own hidden struggles.

Your ache, your bewilderment, your confusion about existence from a lack of structured guidance feels incredibly poignant and resonant. In truth, I think we're all a little lost at sea in this thing we call life, whether we're ready to admit it or not. Keep your humanity. 

Thank you for your insight, and your kind words. Poetry has always been my compass so to speak. It's comforting, yet saddening, to know that others can relate to my "work."

I am still healing, but I am actively ensuring that the future generation does not bear the scars amongst themselves as I did and do. They will never have to question, or feel like they failed me.