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Basically, what I'm aiming for in this page is a corporate orientation infopacket. It's mainly giving the reader info on the two paths the reader has and doing some worldbuilding at the same time. The main issues with it I feel there are so far are that it's too long, doesn't make enough variation of sentence structure and comes off more as rambly rather than the cold, trying to be friendly tone I was going for.

Let me know what you think though.

Welcome to Caucasus Superstore Incorporated.

We're excited to have you onboard, and hope this information will help you prepare for your first day as part of the family. Caucasus and all it's affliated brands including: FreshCaucasus Food Basics, Caucasus Home, Caucasus Automotive and Cacausus Fertility Assistance attracts shoppers from all over, with the number growing every day.

We like to think that there's two distinct parts to the formula that brings people in through our doors.

One is the quality products that line our shelves. They're house made, polished to our exacting standards - all at an affordable price. You'd be hard pressed to find better anywhere else.

The second is our impeccable customer service. Not only can shoppers expect a friendly face and a can-do attitude when they walk through our doors, they can also feel safe under the watchful eye of Caucasus Security.

Our security personnel is made up of two groups - Executive Contractors and Loss Prevention Specialists.

Executive Contractors are the people who make expansion possible. Well trained, highly motivated and supported with a selection from Caucasus Armanents and Munitions, they secure areas all over the world for proposed retail locations. Hostile companies are a dime a dozen and easily number in the thousands. They don't take kindly to a new operation setting up shop, something the division's senior members can attest to.

Loss Prevention Specialists, on the other hand, serve a different yet just as important role. They're tasked with ensuring a pleasant shopping experience for all our valued customers. Whether that's in chasing off troublemakers or stopping shoplifters in their tracks, these men and women have their work cut out for them. Fortunately, the company makes sure to equip them for the job. One such item being the CX-9505 semi-automatic pistol. Sleek, compact and efficient, it's capable of putting down a belligerent target at well over 90 yards.

Of course, we don't wish harm upon any of our customers. Loss Prevention Specialists are expected to uphold company values and protect Caucasus property, but this doesn't mean executing any rulebreakers on the spot. Far from it. Whilst it's true that in certain cases lethal force has been applied, this has only been in strictly necessary situations. If possible, we encourage them to be taken into our custody. Then once their debt is repaid to society, they're more than welcome to come back to the store as any other customer.

So, that's about everything you'll need to know. If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to call Caucasus Support and Technical Service. Once again, we wish you a warm welcome and remember;

Everyday high spirits, everyday low prices. That's the Caucasus promise.

First paragraph:

I'd remove the comma on the first sentence and add 'the world' part in 'all over the world'. Overall reads like fine corpo marketing bullshit to me.

Second paragraph/sentence:

I'd remove the 'We like to think'. There are two distinct parts to the formula, it's a fact, not a thought. Perhaps you've observed or noted, but you do not think when you're corporate.

Third paragraph:

Instead of just 'One' I'd say something along the lines of 'primarily we pride ourselves on the quality...' "House made" is a weird term, makes me think of artisan/homemade.

Fourth paragraph:

Now I've sat with it for a while, I'd add something like pillar to ground the one/two example. "The second pillar our company's built upon is our impeccable customer service." This paragraph particularly reads a bit rambly.

Fifth paragraph/sentence:

It's weird that we went from customer service to security personnel. I'm missing a bridge here. So where before it all read like a marketing ploy, which was your intention, it now just turns into exposition.

Sixth paragraph:

I'd add a bridge between securing areas and hostile companies. Something along the lines of "These valuable members of the Caucasus family also defend us from our market rivals.". I'd also add 'most surely' to the 'attest to' in the last sentence to make it more fake-personable.

Seventh paragraph:

The first sentence reads iffy. Has another tone then the rest. I don't like the 'yet' here. I'm trying to read this in some kind of radio advertisement voice, and just don't hear that voice say 'yet'. The specific pistol and especially the specific type is also way to detailed and rambley for an introduction/orientation/marketing ploy.

Eighth paragraph:

I don't like the 'to society' here. Leave it out. "Once they have settled their debt, the Caucasus family is willing to let bygones be bygones and will always welcome them back..."

Ninth paragraph:

Good ending. No remarks.

Overall:

Yeah this text is a bit bipolar. The problem is that it is trying to say too much in too little space. So I'd say to fully focus on the company culture and its two pillars in this piece. Then let a follow up piece detail the personnel types.

Enter provides a good analysis as usual. I would also recommend to include all subdivisions/companies that you are going to mention through the body of the message in the opening list of "associated brands".

Given that you are obviously setting this up to introduce the reader as the latest new person inducted into Security, you might do better framing it something like:

Welcome to Caucasus Superstore Incorporated.

We're excited to have you onboard as the newest member of Caucasus Security and hope this information will help you prepare for your first day as part of the family. Caucasus and all it's affliated brands including, but never limited too, FreshCaucasus Food Basics, Caucasus Home, Caucasus Automotive, Caucasus Support and Cacausus Fertility Assistance attracts shoppers from all over the world.

Caucasus is also an awkward company name and unless a connotation to the Caucasus mountains or being Caucasian is intended, you might consider a less awkward word since it is going to come up alot.

I should've mentioned this in the first post, but I'm writing a fanfiction story. Caucasus is the name of the company the MC works for in the original comic book. I know it seems like an odd thing to do, seeking feedback for a fanfic, but I figure it'd be a good opportunity to see how skilled I am in areas like expressing a certain tone.

As for your feedback, you addressed something I was planning to change as well. Hearing 'Caucasus_Whatever' will probably get grating after a while. I reckon the way I'm going to get around that is by trying to limit it to annoucements/documents/internal monologue. I'm not planning for a huge amount of that stuff be in there, but it's definitely something I will make a note of.

Thanks for taking the time to give feedback!

Getting feedback on any writing, fanfic or other, is a reasonable and advisable thing to do. Having thought about it a little more, if you tweak to the opening similar to my suggestion, you could actually drop the third through the fifth paragraphs altogether to shorten up the piece and keep the focus on the Security aspect. The information in those paragraphs would be fairly simple to work in later.

This is very detailed criticism.

There's quite a few things in here I didn't think of like the missing bridges in between information. As you've said, linking another page that would contain the information about the Security personnel would definitely help with making it sound more cohesive.I'm also planning on moving the final paragraph to the end of the new page, and making another ending for the re-write of this one. Nevermind, that final paragraph is definitely more suited to this page.

Thanks for your input, I appreciate the help.