Sorry about the delay. Here's what I found when I proofread your story so far.
Firstly, there's a lot of big spaces between paragraphs. I don't know if this is intentional or not, so it might be fine. Regardless, the spaces between the paragraphs are irregular (i.e. some are bigger than others), which I don't think it's meant to be. Perhaps you were going to sort this before publishing, but I thought I'd point it out.
I also noticed extra or missing spaces between some words and/or punctuation. I'm not going to go over every single case of this but it does seem to persist throughout.
You seem to have a habit of writing in a lot of multiple periods like '......', which probably wouldn't be used so frequently in a published book. While I doubt that the judges would punish you for doing this, I personally found it a little distracting and off putting. I don't know, maybe you wrote this consciously as a way of showing how the protagonist suffered amnesia and couldn't remember anything.
Some of your pages were ridiculously long. It really does feel tiring when you read through something that long with no 'breaks' (i.e. pages). I feel like it would make it more enjoyable for the reader if you broke some of those down into smaller pages, even if you don't get any choices and it's just a case of clicking 'continue'.
The Ship
'Eyelids' is one word.
"Your eyelids feel heavy."
Question mark and new sentence would look better.
"where are you, why are you there, who are you....? No memories, no names, no images."
If you go from dialogue to 'he says' or something similar, you need to punctuate using a comma, question mark or exclamation mark. You cannot leave it without punctuation or use a period. I see this a lot in your story so I won't point out all of them, but here's one example.
""Wake up, Sonny," he says, slapping you."
Another related point: if you finish a sentence with dialogue, you need to punctuate using a period, exclamation mark or question mark. Again, I won't point out all cases of this particular error - just one example.
""Let's hope you're not too far gone.""
You're missing italics on the first letter 'r' of 'remember'.
"you KNOW him... but you don't remember him."
You can't put 'a' or 'the' in front or 'armor'. You need to either drop 'a' or use with 'suit' or other appropriate word.
"you see a man in a futuristic armor,"
OR "you see a man in a futuristic suit of armor,"
This part could probably do with a bit of shortening. Maybe something like this?
"with neon outline, and large shoulder pads, with and an awesome-looking rifle,"
Two punctuation errors: doesn't need apostrophe or comma.
"you smash it's head so hard, that you almost decapitate the thing."
Should be "you smash its head so hard so hard that you almost decapitate the thing."
Another unnecessary apostrophe.
"as it's beat is slow, barely beating once every ten seconds."
The word 'stained' needs to be changed to present tense to fit the rest of the narrative. If you prefer, you can change the syntax and use 'stained' as an adjective instead.
"a pool of dried blood stained stains the floor about fifty feet ahead of you."
Brawn over Brains
Apostrophe not needed here.
"Some of it's venomous saliva"
This sentence sounds a bit off. I would probably change some of the words. Using 'the' isn't incorrect but I personally feel saying 'your iron pipe' would sound more natural. That last one's up to you, though.
"You can bend the iron pipe like it's a thin copper wire."
A harsh and horrible death
I'm assuming you mean 'grin' and not 'green'. Also need to get rid of apostrophe to change 'it's' to 'its'.
"The zombie steps back with a devilish green grin on it's decayed face."
White November
'Stick to Louis' doesn't quite fit. Perhaps 'stick to/with what Louis says' would work better.
"You realize you'll have to stick to what Louis says;"
Need to remove apostrophe from 'it's'.
"You quickly smash it's head."
The word 'jealous' is often used in the collocation 'jealous of', but never 'jealous on'.
"You're jealous on of Louis' hearing range."
In published writing, for this particular context you would use the alphabet form of the number. I can't really explain when and where to distinguish between which to use when, but if it's higher than twelve it seems acceptable in most situations to use digits instead of alphabet.
"For 5 five minutes, both you and Louis wait the helicopters."
I think 'terrified' is an odd word choice for this situation. It would maybe imply terror building up, before something bad happens, but not after it happens. I don't think it's my place to tell you what word to use, but if I were you I'd reconsider this one.
""LOUIS!" you shout, terrified."
Another instance of use of 'armor' as a countable noun. Again, drop the plural (i.e. 'armor') or change to 'armored suits' or something like that.
"Your super-dead-strength seems perfect for crushing their armors."
Common mixing up of words - see correction.
"he shoots the poor soldier who's whose head you smashed."
'Each other' doesn't need a hyphen.
"You shoot at each-other each other at the same time,"
This sentence isn't wrong but sounds a little unnatural.
"Who is still using tapes like this?"
Maybe could be "Who still uses tapes like these?"
'You' should be 'your' instead.
"You've lost your only link to ....everything!"
Not the best idea after all.
A few little tweaks might help this sentence. Use of comma and then 'so' twice in a row in one sentence is a bit off putting. Maybe break it up into two sentences? The words 'most probably aren't used in this way. The comma after 'deck' isn't needed.
"so it must be placed somewhere vital for the ship to be effective., so it It is most probably placed on a lower deck, strike to make the ship sink faster."
Need to remove apostrophe.
"It's weight will sink it enough to not damage the ship, right?"
It's best to change 'is' to 'did' here.
"You got blown to pieces, and so is did the ship."
Not the best idea after all.
The colon here should be a semi-colon.
"you realize you're stuck: the beach stretches for miles,"
'How come' is a phrase only used in an actual question, but not used in this way in a sentence. You could use 'why' instead.
"Magic is also the answer to how come why ghosts are possible."
Should probably change prepositions here.
"the ZPCI are not known to be kind with to zombies,"
You don't really 'bump into' a vertical cliff, so another phrase might be better. It's up to you to decide, though.
"without bumping into a vertical cliff,"
"The boredom would kill you if you wouldn't be weren't dead already."
This use of asterisks in novel-style writing is odd. I'm not too against it personally, but you never know if the judges might be irked by this. It's your decision whether or not to keep it this way.
"*sudden explosion nearby, and a large , 7-feet tall zombie barges in , stomps a few ZPCIs and is shot down*"
This bit sounds a little contradictory. You should probably make it clearer if it's just a 'feeling' or you now for sure. See example below.
"as you have the a strong feeling that you know for sure there's no one else"
Need to get rid of apostrophe here.
"but this time you see it's origin:"
Back to back
The semi-colon should be a comma instead.
"You think your kill count is around twenty; but you partner's exceeds thrice that amount,"
The word 'armor' can't really be pluralized, so be careful with that.
"indeed, their armors have has a different neon outline;"
I'm just unclear about the meaning of this sentence. I don't know if it's just me, but maybe you could try to explain it a different way?
""Ey, Sonny, could you press that green stick?" asks Veradux as if he'd be okay, when you can see the ground though the hole in his chest. "
I think you know what I have to say about this bit, but just in case, get rid of 'a'. In fact, this is becoming more common than I thought so I'm no longer going to be pointing every single one out.
"a shiny new armor for Veradux."
There's a passage a few lines down where you switch from second to third person. It does seem like you do know what you're doing, and you've made a clear distinction where one ends and the other starts. However, I think readers might find this jarring. If I'm honest, I did find it a bit strange and not quite right.
Of Paladins and Barons
Maybe use 'don't know' instead.
"Unfortunately, you cannot don't know what's on it,"
Just a small change here.
"Veradux also fills you in to on some past events"
I'm assuming that you mean 25,000. This would be correct in parts of the world, but in English a dot would indicate a decimal point, which would make the population 25. If you prefer you can use a space and say 25 000.
"25.000 25,000 OR 25 000 living inhabitants,"
Colon would work better than a semi-colon here.
"Veradux also tells you that recently, many events took place;"
Not sure if this is you are referring to present or past event when saying 'hunted down'. If former, inset 'being'. If latter, change to 'were hunted down'.
"turned against the ZPCI and are being hunted down,"
OR "turned against the ZPCI and were being hunted down,"
Simple typo here.
"and you can barely walk of or hold your weapons."
You can't use the word 'one' in this way. 'An arm', maybe? Could also try 'one of their arms'.
"She pushes away one's arm with her boot,"
Knife After Dark
I guess you mean 'lunge', not 'lounge'.
"You quickly lounge to grab it,"
The 'clearly female' part seems redundant given the previous line. Maybe you could get rid of this bit or change it to give some new information for the reader.
""Well, well, well... what do we have here?"asks the aggressor, clearly female."
You can get rid of the comma here.
"an old radio, that can read that kind of tape!"
This tense needs changing.
" If only you wouldn't be impaled by her heels"
" If only you wouldn't weren't being impaled by her heels"
'Lyric' isn't commonly used in this way. Perhaps try 'line' instead?
"first lyric line of an old lullaby,"
Similar thing to before - tense.
"and if you wouldn't be weren't dead, you'd have a massive boner"
Again, apologies about the wait but I hope this helps. I'll think about the cameo appearance and PM you later. Is that ok?
