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Edit: Ack! Just realized I put this in the wrong forum. I apologize. Can someone please move it to writing workshop?

 

 

 

Warning; Major spoilers.

 

 

 

I just finished a page of my story, but I'm not sure if I should be putting more choices in. I mean, it goes from trying to open a can of beans to accidentally turning the surrounding life to ash and contemplating trying to bring someone back from the dead by using a power previously not known in one page. But I also don't see where to put choices in between without making it seem a bit annoying. Though lack of choices can be equally annoying.

So, what do you all think?

 

 

 

Figuring that he might as well do something while Srenl was away, Kell looked around for a large rock - but one that was still light enough to pick up in his current state.

Finding one near the water, Kell tried standing up again...and failed - again. Though this time, it wasn't as bad since the world didn't seem to be spinning as much. Trying yet again, he managed to get to his feet, but the dizziness brought him staggering down, the hard earth digging into his knees and then his side.

Looking around, he tried to find something nearby to help support him when he got to his feet, and found a tree a few feet away that was the start of the miraculously still standing forest that he had heard rustling in the gentle breeze earlier.

Swaying, he grabbed the can and crawled over and gripped the trunk as he pulled himself up to his feet again. There was an odd bluish tinge to his vision now, and he closed his eyes and just leaned on the tree for a moment to wait for the spinning to subside. Taking a deep breath, and then another, he stopped leaning on the tree and took a few unsteady steps towards the rock by the river, opening his eyes again. He was a bit more steady than before, but it was still enough to send him sprawling onto the ground if he wasn't careful.

It was then that Srenl came back, carrying a cracked and dirty plate, surprise and shock on her face clearly shown. "How did you stand? You should not be able to stand, let alone walk, for another day at least, not with how feverish, dehy-dehydrated, and star-starving you were."

She shook her head, and then took a closer look at him, and her eyes widened. "How..." she whispered.

"How what? What'd I do?"

"You ack-ass-accessed your power. I can see the mid-midnight blue glow, the glow that sir-surroun-surrounded the moon at night before it was gone. And I can see the cost." She looked distressed, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears. "Why?"

"What power? What cost? Why what?" Confused, Kell looked down at himself. And saw dying grass at his feet. Looking around, every plant within what looked to be a ten yard long circle was starting to slowly wilt and droop, including the trees. They were dying. With himself at the center, feeling even steadier than before.

"Why do you use your power? You can heal nat-naturally in a couple days, these plants will never grow again. The cost is always greater than the gain, esp-espes-especially when doing it on yourself. Had your guar-gaurdian not told you of the risks of this, of what you can do?"

"I had never been told that I could do this. What is it? Magic?" He continued to feel steadier, stronger.

"Stop it. Stop it now." She started looking a bit frantic, and the circle of dying growth spread. Now, there was a strange feeling starting, an awareness of sorts, tugging him gently towards the gal.

"How? I don't know what I'm doing." he said, looking at her pleadingly. Srenl stepped back quickly as the dying growth hit her bare feet. It was spreading faster.

"I don't know! I was for-forbid-forbidden to use my power. Stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it!" A tree, the one he had used to hoist himself onto his feet, trembled and crashed to the ground, falling away from Kell, and falling apart. Branches fell off of others, crumbling like old stone. The dead grass at his feet turned to ash.

But, there was power, strength, that beckoned to him. He was feeling as though he could run miles, or pick up something heavy, or, or, or something. It was intoxicating, like a drug. The circle of the dying plants continue to spread, reaching further and further.

He barely noticed Srenl backing out of his sight. It was strange though; he could still tell roughly where she was and that she was still moving further away.

Maybe, just maybe, he could bring Sofer back. Stop her from ever getting hurt again. Stop his own pain. Yes, that would be a very good thing to be able to do. Then he could feel her gentle caress on his cheek,  hear her quiet whisper in his ear, see the strong protective stance of a mother and the soft light to her eyes. No child as young as himself, a boy of only a little more than ten years, should be without a mother to care for him.

I didn't' think the scene was too long or anything like that.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I have a loose word-count range when I write a story that I try to keep all my pages in between for the sake of consistency. I figure if I do that, readers will know when to expect a choice, and won't be annoyed by flopping between very long and very short passages. For example, if my range is 750-1250 words per page, I'm not going to have a fit if I come in at 1300. But if my scene is only 500, I'll see where it needs more beef.

I believe you have somewhere between 700-800 words in that passage, so unless your typical page is only half that size, I would not worry about splitting up the scene. I make my choices fall strictly on plot points, if a scene calls for an extra one, I add, otherwise I don't. Also, you can always trim unnecessary words when you go through and edit.

When she says stop, you increase the size and decrease the intervals.

Decrease the intervals?

What I'm worried about is that I made it a bit too random. I doubt anyone would have thought that this could come from 'Try to open the can of beans.' I know that some people complain about randomness in a story, and others that don't think there's enough randomness in stories. Only thing I can think of to minimize the randomness from the choices is to add a couple more.

It's like trying to walk on a tightrope. Some people ignore it entirely (extremely random or easy to see the outcome of choices); others try and can't do it (it's close, maybe feature-worthy, just not quite close enough for an epic); and then there are the gifted few that can do it (epic stories that get 8/8).

I'm trying, I just don't know if I'm succeeding. 

Epic story* that got an 8.

I meant in general. I know that there are other stories that have gotten an average of 8/8 rating, but got bumped down to a 7/8 recently.

If you establish that magic can go haywire over simple matters in the hands of someone who lacks experience, then this really wouldn't be that random. Or if you are trying to establish that as a rule (with this scene) for the rest of the story, that would work too.

I think people get annoyed with random crap when you have something like this.

Option 1: Save Mary from getting raped.
Option 2: Watch Mary get raped.

Result 1: You kill the men about to rape Mary and then proceed to rape Mary yourself.
Result 2: Mary goes H.A.M. and beats the tar out of her would-be rapists and the two of you walk off into the sunset.

The consequence should be a plausible, but not necessarily logical or expected, fallout of the action. If you are establishing or already established consistent rules for your universe, then your piece isn't that random. If this is the only time magic goes crazy in the hands of someone that doesn't have a clue how to control it, then it is a little random.

This is the first time the magic appears in the story. But yes, it will be similar to this in future cases of his magic use. 

Then I would say it is an excellent scene to establish one of the governing rules of magic in your universe.

It's supposed to be a bit of a mystery that they figure out as they go along. 

Regardless, all good magic systems follow/establish rules. That way the author cannot do an "Ass Pull."

The story sounds interesting. Do you have a working title for us to keep an eye out for?

Hell Storm. I have it on sneak peak currently; a link is on my profile.

I didn't read this because I only like spoilers when I spoil it for other people, but I think this general advice should work for you: As long as it's possible to get more than one interesting ending, there's no need to add more choices than you really need. in the words of Ben Yahtzee: "Spinning a plate on a stick is impressive, but try spinning three at once and you'll just end up digging porcelain out of your face."