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Red and Blue Makes Purple--An Excerpt

9 years ago

I have this idea for a story, and this is so far of what will be the first page:

I wake up in my bedroom, sweet, vibrant sunlight floating through the blinds of the house. I yawn, my mouth opening wide, quickly shutting at my realization of my morning breath. I sit up, rub my eyes, and quickly descend down the stairs to find Brandon and Lisette sitting at the breakfast table, Brandon quietly reading the morning newspaper and Lisette scrolling through her tablet, both fully dressed in red.

"Lisette," I say, "why are you wearing red?"

Lisette looked shocked. "It's Assignment Day! How could you have forgotten?"

I gasp, almost slipping on the hardwood floor. "It IS?"

"Yes, of course it is, honey! Now go put on that red dress I bought you yesterday and brush your hair!"

Brandon doesn't look up but answers, "Thirty minutes."

I scramble back upstairs to get dressed and yell, "Be down in five minutes!"

Lisette rolls her eyes and continues scrolling through her Gtab.

***

So, it's about this girl living in a world divided into two teams: Red and Blue, and they will stop at nothing to rule the rest of the world. Red desires to rule for good while Blue wants to dominate for evil. The girl lives in Red but originated from Blue, when her parents through her over the Wall, the division between them. Her parents were killed and she was given to Lisette and Brandon as a foster child. 

More will come soon, but for now this is all I've got.

Red and Blue Makes Purple--An Excerpt

9 years ago
I like it so far.

Red and Blue Makes Purple--An Excerpt

9 years ago

Next part:

It's been awhile since the last Assignment Day--a year, in fact--so that I am nervous. The counsellors are often chilling and stone cold and don't show much emotion. It scares me to think about my former team: Blue. No one knows this except for Lisette and Brandon and maybe Dawn, my best friend. Blue must be like this too, but what I've heard is that they're more of a republic. I like our government system better than whatever vile thing Blue can conjure up. I've been living in fear of them coming back for years and I don't feel a smudge better about what's currently going on. We'd lost Madrid two days ago and they nearly have St. Petersburg, but we're still fighting. Right now we've got control of Siberia, for the most part, and most of Eurasia, or what's left of it. It's been a war just trying to get a piece of candy these days and it's not getting the least bit better.

I comb my hair, the sharp toothed comb tearing through my chocolate hair like butter, or melted cheese. I feel it snag on a large knot and I sigh in exasperation. Here I am, a twelve year old girl, almost a teenager, and I still don't know how to care for my hair. Yanking on it, I feel strands of my hair rip and tear and finally I comb it out. Pumping my fists in victory, I can't help but think what it was like during World War II. Must've been hard living in Ravensbrück, the notorious women's concentration camp. But thinking about the past just makes me think about my real mother and father, and that hurts, so I just shut down all independent thought. 

I turn to my dresser and pick up the nice red satin dress and look at it with a critical eye. Nothing's wrong with the hem, or the sleeves, and it shimmers. Ooh, it shimmers! I pull the neck hole over my head and put the rest of it on, swishing the dress around and looking into my full-length mirror. It's absolutely perfect for my body and I immediately love it. There's a note on it that I didn't notice on my dress, so I pick it up and study it. Bought this dress for you, hope you like it. Wear ur red slippers with this. Love you. -Lissy. The note is cute and thoughtful, just like Lisette. I smile and open my closet, and search for the red slippers.

***

 

Red and Blue Makes Purple--An Excerpt

9 years ago

Two colours both alike in dignity...

Red and Blue Makes Purple--An Excerpt

9 years ago
Can already imagine three possible endings (maybe 5) xD
- Red wins,
- Thanks to you.
- Because you failed with blue.
- Blue wins,
- Thanks to you.
- Because you failed with red.
- You unite the two into Purple, everyone wins.

As for the actual writing, the quality seems good so far, and a good deal of information has already been conveyed to the reader. So its looking good!
So good luck writing it all up!

Red and Blue Makes Purple--An Excerpt

9 years ago

The first page seems like it pretty much could take place in the real world. The second suddenly throws a bunch of stuff about a war at the reader, but no real context for it. Your explanation in your first post makes it all a little easier for us to follow, but that won't be available in the story itself.

My advice would be to take advantage of that newspaper to start getting across some of the weirdness right away in the headlines. It's a bit of an art, with a setting like this, to know when and what and how much information to feed the reader as you go along. Too little, or if you just start flinging Capitalized Terms around and never stop to explain, and they're left confused, but infodumps or talking heads can be overwhelming or jarringly out of place.

 

Red and Blue Makes Purple--An Excerpt

9 years ago

Anyone else? I'm taking any feedback no matter how insulting.