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Looking for feedback...

9 years ago

Hey, I'm new to this site and I'm writing my first story. I'm an amateur writer, and I do a lot of my writing late at night (that's my only free time). I just started my story, and I want some criticism. As in, roast me. Don't hesitate to say whether you like it or whether it's good... to poop on.

 

 

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/triumph-of-the-empire      (lol so new not even 100% sure if this link will work)

Looking for feedback...

9 years ago

I have an EXTREMELY basic version of the story laid out. I will definitely remove/add things here and there. 

 

The Qaeteron Empire has long desired the land of Eclua for the land around Lake Fertile, where livestock can grow fat. The lake itself provides fresh water. 
The Lake has many resources such as limestone, copper, gold, and silver all just waiting for the mining. The Prin refuse to use the land or mine the resources,
declaring Lake Fertile and the land around it to be holy. The Qaeteron Empire raises 10 legions; 6 Elven and 4 human. The main character is in one of the human
legions. eventually, the story moves on to where the empire wins the war and genocides the prin. as a punishment, the prin gods destroy the capital city of the empire
by making the mountains erupt, killing the human emperor, and the next of those in line. The empire is shocked. The citizens look to the Gods of the pantheon for
help but they get none. The pantheon collapses and humans believe only in human gods and elves only in elven gods.With no government or religion, civil war breaks
out. The main character's legions and the elven legions duke it out for eclua. In a decisive battle, the elves outflank the men and the men get rekt. the main
character ride back to the de facto capital of humanity and is put in charge of a new force. he goes back to eclua, kicks the crap out of the elves that are there
then prepares to advance into the heartland of the kingdom of Elves. In an ambush, he is killed by an arrow to the head, but the story does not end there.
In the afterlife, he is summoned by the Gods of the Imperial pantheon. They bestow upon him the task of reuniting the Empire. they resurrect the main character
for a short time until he completes his task. He comes back. He wakes up and pulls the arrow out of his head. Only a few seconds have passed since his afterlife
adventure and him getting back to life. he gets back up, to the shock and horror of his troops. he has an artifact from his afterlife adventure with him. it is
a scroll of interdimensional travel. he realizes now that the afterlife is just the life essence of a living thing being transported to another dimensional 
universe. he uses the scroll to travel to the realm of the Prin afterlife. He engages with their God in battle and defeats them, nullifying the destruction of the
capital. He then returns to his own afterlife, dying once and for all.

 

Looking for feedback...

9 years ago

I plan to add multiple endings too. it's just that i started this entire thing like last week, and i spent a lot of the time making the actual MAP of my fictional continent and brainstorming the countries on it and the nations.

Looking for feedback...

9 years ago

If you're copying this from notepad ( a good habit, btw, for anything wordy that you'd be miffed if the internet ate), might want to turn off wordwrapping, copy it then turn it back on, so it doesn't do that odd staggering of paragraphs like that.

As for a story, sounds an interesting enough idea. Lot of work it needs, but as the concept goes, not too shabby.