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Story excerpt by EbonVasilis

9 years ago

The constant tapping of the pen on the desk did little to ease Cyrus’s mind. The most it did was break the monotony of the teacher’s voice. She was going over some of the more basic material again, so the other students would understand it. He understood this stuff a long time ago. They were talking about one of the most basic concepts of our Program. FBC. That was short for Full Body Control. 

It was the idea that our conscious mind only controls certain aspects of our body. Like how our heart beats without us telling it to, or how our microscopic cells carry out their jobs without our supervision. The most important part of FBC, however, was the subconscious. 

In every person there are two different minds. The first is the conscious mind while the second is the subconscious. Under normal circumstances the subconscious mind takes over the body’s heart rate, as well as other activities that our conscious mind doesn’t regulate. But that is under normal circumstances.

All throughout history, there have been records of people changing their personality, followed by an eye color change. Or rather, part of the eye changes color. The outside edges of the eye turns black forming a black ring around the original eye color. Religious people thought it meant that demons had possessed someone, but eventually the leading scientists made a discovery. It wasn’t a demon possessing the individual. It was the subconscious. The scientists called this the Rogue Syndrome, because of one portion of the mind going rogue against the other. Along with this discovery, came the discovery that such occurrences were becoming more and more frequent. Those discoveries came a little late, for the Rogues had already begun forming into a group

So now the question was, “How do we prevent this from happening again?” The first answer came through the use of drugs. The government developed a drug that slowed the mental process of someone. People were supposed to take it at night, because that is when the subconscious is most active. It worked, but it decreased human mental activity as well as physical activity. The second answer was still being formed, but it took the form of FBC. The idea was to take control of the subconscious to prevent the subconscious from taking over us. It was a ‘strike first’ tactic. 

At least that was what we were taught. We were the second answer. We were the ones that were supposed to achieve FBC. “So here we are, in this facility they call ‘The Preliminary School,’ training our minds, and they can’t even see that one of their students is ready to do it. Well they actually probably do, but for some reason they haven’t come to get me,” Cyrus thought.

For the past week he’d been telling himself that “Today is the day.” But each day it never worked out. Each day he got his hopes up, but got them crushed as the day ended. So today he told himself instead, “It’ll happen eventually, just not today.” 

The teacher began to end whatever was left of her lesson plan, which gave Cyrus a much needed moment of silence. The silence was interrupted by a loud knock on the door to the classroom. The students started talking amongst themselves wondering who it could be. Cyrus was about to turn to his right to tell them it was probably just someone late, when he realized two things. One: Since he was seated on the left side of the room, he had a window seat. Two: Since he had that window seat, he didn’t look to the rest of the room unless absolutely necessary. Because of that he did not realize that everyone was actually here to class on time. That is, until he turned around. 

He glanced around the room to make sure one last time he wasn’t seeing things. After he double checked he allowed himself to get his hopes up. “Maybe this time,” was all he had time to think before the teacher had made it to the door, and promptly opened it.

A man stood in the doorway. A man he recognized. It was ‘The Bureaucrat,’ as he and one of his old friends called him. He was the man that had gotten Cyrus into The Program. The man Cyrus worked for. 

~

??“You took your sweet time.” Cyrus stated.

The Bureaucrat turned to look at him as they walked. His hair was black color that had lightened in color due to aging, making the sideburns of his hair a white-gray. His eyes were a simple brown, but they bore into Cyrus as if trying to analyze every possible thing Cyrus could do within the next minute. 

“I had to make sure you were ready.” His voice was deep and without emotion. “After all, you wouldn’t be of much use to us if you weren’t.” 

Ah, he was getting straight to the point, typical,” Cyrus thought and didn’t respond. He preferred the solitude of his thoughts to The Bureaucrat’s company. Those were more interesting than what most people had to say anyway.

Soon they reached the doors that led out of the building. Outside of the ‘school’ buildings was probably the single best thing about The Program. Any building necessary to our learning was thrown in a natural reserve. The reserve was several miles across, or at least large enough to hide an entire complex within its bounds. So while were here in a large expanse of forest, the rest of the city of Luguvalium had to live in miles upon miles of metropolis. It was quite brilliant actually. That way anyone that obtained FBC was close to their job. 

The thing that most teachers here do not tell us, until after we achieve full body control that is, is what we use FBC for. The other students thought it was all just some massive research project to develop new ways to keep a rogue from taking over a body. They had to look at the big picture. FBC only helps the person who achieves it, but that raises the question; “Why are they researching it so diligently?” It was simple really. FBC does not only prevent the rogue from taking over someone’s body. It also takes over all of the subconscious duties, so that we have to keep our heart beating. But the upside to all of that is that we get to control every aspect of our bodies. For instance, we could regulate the flow of adrenaline. Some of the more adept people can even redirect individual cell’s duties to help heal them faster. Essentially this creates a person who is very hard to kill, person that can be trained to do almost anything at a very high success rate. 

So the question has a very simple answer. The Program was started to create an army, an army that can be used at the whim of the government. However, an army is usually needed to go against foreign powers, and a country cannot go against foreign powers if its interior is unstable. The government has to first stop the Rogue rebellion, and that is where his job lies.

Cyrus’s thought’s continued to wander, as the pair walked through the reserve. Before long their destination was in view. About a hundred or so meters ahead the path continued between two buildings. The buildings went away from the path and curved outward a little ways, before curving back in. As they continued down the path, they saw the rest of the two building. They curved outward making a large oval around the path, which effectively formed a large courtyard. In the center of the courtyard was a fairly large fountain. The two buildings ended at the end of the courtyard, but that did not diminish their size. Both of the buildings stood at a height of three stories, and as Cyrus examined the rest of the area he could see several buildings the same height at the other side of the courtyard.

When The Bureaucrat finally spoke again, “Follow me,” was all he said. As if he hadn’t been following him for the past half hour, but Cyrus simply shrugged and continued following. The path spilt off into two more paths that ran along either side of the oval shape that the buildings formed. These two paths were made of concrete, as well as the pillars and the ceiling above the paths. 

The Bureaucrat decided to take the path on the left.  At different intervals along the path, doors were along the building. Once they reached the end of the building, Cyrus counted a total of five doors. None of which they entered. The path ended, and split off into several other paths. The Bureaucrat kept walking, and soon enough Cyrus saw the Building they were to enter.

For the first time in a long time Cyrus smiled. On the front of the building, in large letters was ‘Hospital.’ Most normal people did not like to go to the hospital, but Cyrus figured there was only one reason that he was going to the hospital, and that was if he was ‘going under.’ Going under was the term used for going to sleep without the drug. Meaning that he would finally progress, and he would finally be free from that utter waste of time they called ‘Preliminary School.’

They entered the doors, and proceed to walk right past the check-in. Anybody that seemed to want to stop them, took one look at the Bureaucrat and stepped aside. Cyrus assumed it was because everyone recognized him and his authority, and not his menacing appearance. It was enough to scare any women though. Cyrus laughed inwardly at his joke, but put on a serious face when they reached a set of double doors. The Bureaucrat took one look at Cyrus before pushing open the double doors and stepping inside.

The room was all white to follow the color scheme of the hospital. The room was also larger than any of the other hospital rooms he had been in before. In the center of the room was a typical hospital bed, although this one seemed a bit larger and loads more comfortable. Cyrus walked further in and towards the bed. 

“You know what will happen now, right Cyrus?” The Bureaucrat asked the question, without changing his demeanor in the slightest. 

Cyrus only nodded.

“So you know, the three ways you can approach this?” 

Cyrus nodded again. They were; capture the rogue, kill the rogue, or die. If the rogue took over his body, then they would have no choice but to kill him. 

“Then wait here. The doctor will be here soon.”

Cyrus nodded, and this time made sure to face the bed, away from The Bureaucrat. After the first two questions, Cyrus nodded so his voice did not betray his feelings. After the third question Cyrus turned towards the bed, so his face would not betray his feelings. If The Bureaucrat had sense enough to notice these things, he might have taken Cyrus from the room immediately. That action could have stopped whatever happened next from happening. Instead The Bureaucrat left the room. 

Cyrus’s mind was full of thoughts, so he couldn’t think straight. He lay down on the bed and waited. Before long the doctor came, and asked several questions. Cyrus only nodded and shook his head when necessary, and left the rest to the doctor. Only when the doctor asked if he was ready, did Cyrus acknowledge him. He simply looked at the doctor and smiled. 

The doctor then injected Cyrus putting him under.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Story excerpt by EbonVasilis

9 years ago

Thanks for reading. Comments, criticisms, etc. are welcomed and encouraged.

Story excerpt by EbonVasilis

9 years ago

Oh! It sounds pretty interesting ^-^
I would love to read more..

Story excerpt by EbonVasilis

9 years ago

Yeah we'll see how that works out and thanks.

Story excerpt by EbonVasilis

9 years ago

So you are really obsessed with this idea, huh. Is this another new project built around that whole 'subconscious taking over' concept or are you going back to one of the ones you talked about before?

 

On the phone right now so I can't go into detail, but as far as criticism goes my general impression is that there's a lot of unnecessary or redundant stuff that could be stripped away and tightened up here for a scene that flows more naturally.

Story excerpt by EbonVasilis

9 years ago

Same project just actually making progress, and yeah it's centered around the same idea. Although I'm not sure what you mean by other ideas, because this was the only one I was actually set on. Other ideas were only things I toyed with, and won' be acted upon until I'm done with my current project. 

When you get on I some other device, could you be bit more specific? I think I can find the parts that are seem unnatural, but it's always nice to have more opinions. Thanks

Story excerpt by EbonVasilis

9 years ago
There's a lot of repetition and unnecessary fluff in here. You take too long getting to the action. Sprinkle in necessary information - and no more - no sooner than it's absolutely needed. You're starting with an info dump right now.

Story excerpt by EbonVasilis

9 years ago

Yeah I'm making notes of that now for when I'm revising. Aside from my mistake with the info dump, is there anything else major? Like was the dialogue too choppy? Or maybe the descriptions were too wordy?

Story excerpt by EbonVasilis

9 years ago
Well the intro could definitely use a rewrite. That's at the fore and one of the first things to consider when looking at ways to improve. You need to give the reader a reason to want to keep reading very quickly.

A lot of the issues boil down to this: you're putting in extraneous information that is impeding the flow of action. Every sentence you write should either advance the plot in a meaningful way or add characterization. Words need a real reason to be there. No one likes filler. Ask yourself, 'What does this sentence do for my story?'

A secondary issue is the odd bits of phrasing here and there. You can try reading your work out loud to yourself. That's usually a good way to pick up on weird wording or unnatural dialogue.

Story excerpt by EbonVasilis

9 years ago

Whoops, I'd forgotten I meant to write a more detailed reply to this. Bucky summed it up pretty well.  There's a lot of unnecessary information, but also a lot of unnecessary words that just add clutter without getting anything across.

There's some POV switching that reads a little oddly too. The narration keeps using 'we' and is from an unknown person's perspective, but Cyrus, referred to in third person, is supposedly the focus of this scene    
 
The most obvious issues are things like this:

The teacher began to end whatever was left of her lesson plan, which gave Cyrus a much needed moment of silence. The silence was interrupted by a loud knock on the door to the classroom. The students started talking amongst themselves wondering who it could be. Cyrus was about to turn to his right to tell them it was probably just someone late, when he realized two things. One: Since he was seated on the left side of the room, he had a window seat. Two: Since he had that window seat, he didn’t look to the rest of the room unless absolutely necessary. Because of that he did not realize that everyone was actually here to class on time. That is, until he turned around.

Where an entire paragraph is used for what could be conveyed in one sentence. So much of this has no purpose to the story and its littered with passive words like 'was' and 'had' that you want to use sparingly even when the action isn't meandering all over the place.


'At least that was what we were taught. We were the second answer. We were the ones that were supposed to achieve FBC. “So here we are, in this facility they call ‘The Preliminary School,’ training our minds, and they can’t even see that one of their students is ready to do it. Well they actually probably do, but for some reason they haven’t come to get me,” Cyrus thought.'


Just another example of odd phrasing. 'So here we are, in this facility they call [whatever]' I'd wager isn't how most people narrate about their school or place of work inside their heads.

Though, let's say you give this an edit and tighten up the wording, at that point you have to look at the way this scene is structured. The events that actually happen are that Cyrus is taken from class to the hospital for the test. But you've got about a thousand words of infodump the reader has to slog through before this happens. You want to break this sort of thing up, and you definitely don't want to have it all smacking people in the face right at the beginning.

The firsts of a story are the most important as far as hooking the reader and keeping them wanting to read. First sentence, first paragraph, first page. It's far more necessary that they get involved with the character and what's happening to them than that they're spoonfed every detail of the setting and backstory.

Who is Cyrus as a person btw, other than an advanced student in this program? That may need to be established. The brief glimpses of his personality such as his disdain for a class because he's just too smart for it and lines like, 'Ah, he was getting straight to the point, typical,” Cyrus thought and didn’t respond. He preferred the solitude of his thoughts to The Bureaucrat’s company. Those were more interesting than what most people had to say anyway.' we've had so far frankly make him seem a little arrogant and unlikable.

My advice would be to write a tense opening scene of Cyrus being taken from class and to a hospital on the grounds where dangerous experiments are performed. There's a sense of powerlessness and uncertainty there and a fear of things going wrong. That's a decent first page hook. The page after the injection might be a good time to ease in some of the explanation of the setting and FBC program.    

A more memorable last couple of paragraphs for this page might be called for as well. 'The doctor then injected Cyrus putting him under' is a dull relation of events happening to a character I have no connection to. Remember, show, don't tell. You need to make the reader feel what the character is feeling while this thing is happening to him, not just matter of factly tell about it.