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Proofreading help request, again.

5 years ago

Hello all,

I am nearly done with another game. This one is a 1,000 word romance for a contest. The contest has an 1,000 word limit and a theme of "environment". Please check out the link below and let me know if there are any mistakes or if the story should be updated. I always appreciate all feedback, but I also always ask that you not proofread if it will prevent you from reading and rating on release.

The game is a poem crafting game. You select lines for a poem that displays on the final page. The choices you make affect the relationship in minor ways. A question is posed in the end over wheither or not their relationship would survive. One thought I had is if any poem cast doubts on that, or if all the poems were too positive. There are 16 unique poems you can get (some only differing by one line). If a link is broken and displays the wrong poem please also tell me that!

Here is the link:

Leroy and Mika's Organic Poetry

Mizal

Proofreading help request, again.

5 years ago

Two years apart or three years? You have it both ways in the description. (It's just two years and three months according to the first page, so I'd just round it down...) Otherwise, I really like the opening to this, it's interesting and kind of a unique scenario, and it really makes use of the description to help establish the plot when in the game itself you'll be very limited of course. That said, you spend what seems like an awful lot of the first page going on about Mika sobbing dramatically while being held by Leroy's strong arms and his rugged handsomeness and chocolate brown eyes, etc. I feel like you could use that space to establish them a bit more realistically as a couple, or their love of poetry or anything really. Because everything up to and including

Mika, why don't we write a lais together, just you and me, my love," Leroy says softly pulling her close in an embrace. "O-okay... you start this one, Leroy," Mika responds between sobs, looking up into Leroy’s chocolate-brown eyes.

is ringing a lot of bad harlequin bells, which I doubt is what you're going for. Unfortunately, I can't test or comment on the actual scripting or poem at the moment which is the actual meat of this game, but I thought I'd toss in my two cents on the intro.

Shadowdrake27

Proofreading help request, again.

5 years ago

Thank you! That is already very helpful, I'll update the first page and make the description consistent.

Shadowdrake27

Proofreading help request, again.

5 years ago

I tried to make the first page more about the relationship and give more details. I fear it is a bit of an information dump now...but I think it works.

Ogre11

Proofreading help request, again.

5 years ago

I didn't test all the paths, but the ones I did try appeared to work fine. Random notes: “parting ways for the better part…” that feels a bit redundant I got confused (imagine that) in the first sentence because Leroy has a “large hand,” but then Mika is “tall and strong.” Are they both giants? Who is Mike? (Appearing in the first word of the second paragraph on the first page) Does commencement pass? That sounds awkward to me. Maybe commencement ends? Was it intentional to use different fonts on the Departure page? That’s always distracting to me. If you were wanting to emphasize the poem text, maybe try italics?

Shadowdrake27

Proofreading help request, again.

5 years ago

Thank you! I will look at and update all of these issues, none were intentional... particularly the one about "Mike" was an accident. I have a lot of trouble with the fonts anytime I copy past something from word onto the site... I'll update all the text to be the standard font.

Shadowdrake27

Proofreading help request, again.

5 years ago

I changed the font and updated the passages you pointed out. I no longer just describe that they are both large and nothing else.