First, the disclaimers: this is my review. It is likely not like anyone else’s. In fact, you probably couldn’t find anyone else who completely agrees with what I write here. But it’s my opinion. I’m also writing this as I read through this for the first time. These are my first impressions as I read it. I’m not saying they’re right, just what I’m thinking. This is written in the spirit of helping you see how others (okay, me) see your story and to perhaps give you ideas for improvement, and not to be mean or anything else. Please don’t take it personally. This review is likely worth exactly what you paid for it. Finally, you did ask.
Here we go:
“You are a con artist snake oil saleswoman trying to start a new life in Nevada territory when an explosion binds your soul to an old native god.
You can transform in a Viper a succubus with snakes in the vagina capable of transform men into undead slaves or Cougar woman an immense white cougar that needs to eat human blood and flesh to survive.”
Good Lord, what in the wide, wide world of sports is a-goin’ on here? I mean holy crap! That’s a whole darn lot to unpack, right there. Wowzers. I mean, I know this is you, Mara, but wow. Just, wow. I can only say that I hope that all that is literally chapters and chapters of information. We start out with the con artist. That can be a whole bit to build up with history and so on that shows that the main character is a con artist. Oh, and a side note, with that much detail and specificity in the story, I think I might have to shift this over to third person view: I’m not sure a lot of your readers are going to effectively relate to shooting vipers out of their vagina.
Then there’s the Nevada territory and a new life. That could be an entire chapter about why you’re running (presumably because of the con artist thing), and then why you’re headed to Nevada. Do you think you’re going for silver? Because until Las Vegas, I’m not sure anyone actually wanted to be in Nevada. Next there’s this explosion thing with a wee bit of a transformation. I could see that being a whole chapter of discovery and so-on as you learn about the old god, or maybe you learn about it at a roadside stand and later on the explosion happens?
Next up there’s the transformation. Into what, now? Mara, were you on some serious drugs when you wrote this? I mean, wow. I’m not sure how any person can adapt to that kind of transformation. I just picture some woman shaking her head after this massive explosion, then looking down and saying, “Oh, great, now there’s snakes in my vagina. Dammit, more mouths to feed.” But then there’s what you’re actually trying to say in that sentence that I don’t completely get. “You can transform in a Viper a succubus.” What, now? A Viper is a kind of car, so this actually makes it sound like you can only transform into a succubus when you climb in a Viper car, kind of like Clark Kent and his need for phone booths. The whole sentence there is a run-on in English, making it hard for me to decipher. Can you transform yourself into your choice of a viper, a succubus, man, undead slaves, cougar women, or a white cougar? And what happens to the snakes when you… no, never mind the snakes for now. I honestly cannot tell what you can turn into based on that sentence. I am going to guess that you, as a completely normal con-man woman can turn into either a succubus (with the vagina snakes) or a massive white cougar. And, when you’ve turned in a succubus, you can transform (from a bite?) men into undead slaves. Or, when you’re a white cougar, you need to eat human blood to survive. It’s not clear if you’re a total vampire and need to eat human blood to survive when you’re NOT in white cougar form. One more side note: you might want to use something other than “cougar woman,” as in today’s colloquialisms, that really has a pretty specific meaning, and I don’t think it’s what you intend here.
So, for my purposes of reading this story, I’m going with the idea that you’re a vampire, you need to drink human blood to survive. By day you’re a nice, con-man woman who cheats people every chance you get. By night you either turn into the vagina snake woman who creates undead male slaves or a white cougar. Whew. I made it past the first few sentences!
I’m worried that this starts out with “Introduction.” I really hope there’s a lot more background before we get to this point. I really like starting with action, but there’s SO much going on that I’m not sure you can start after the main character is a snake-spitting vagina succubus cougar. I’m also not sure what’s happening in the next sentence. Is that supposed to be the main character speaking out loud or to themselves? If so, that line should be in quotations. If not, I have no idea what’s going on at all. The fact you’re using “puta” perhaps gives a clue to the roots of the character and their history? That was mentioned before, but it might be part of the background.
The next paragraph has me wondering what’s going on: “You have never imagined that when you still in California.” I never imagined what? With a sentence like that, I’m expecting something like, “You never imagined things would be like this when you were still in California, before you left for this difficult journey.” Am I imagining about the desertedness? Maybe something like “You never imagined how dry and deserted this land would be. When you were in California, you imagined that this land would be filled with piles of silver, ready for the taking.”
Stating that your mind is in a tricky situation and then describing it seem like overkill. I think those next sentences might make more sense with something like this: You look around the wilderness of the California trail as you move along towards Virginia City. You should have been there by now, but everything has been going wrong: cougars and Indians around every turn. I don’t know why you’d be afraid of trouts. I think they would be nice to find on the trail because you can eat them. Or you could feed them to your vagina snakes, whatever you like, I guess.
“Neither the sweet scent of pine trees in the late winter nor the murmur of the nearby river does anything to forget the humidity or the fact of being in the damn middle of nowhere, far away from all civilization.” I don’t know what’s going on here. I really like that you mention the smells, that’s a great way to draw the reader into the story. But it was just dry and deserted, which does not sound like pine trees. And you’ve mentioned late winter for the first time. That doesn’t sound like a rough time to travel, that makes it sound nice. And there’s a river, which is nice, too. A paragraph ago it sounded like you were in the deserted desert, now it sounds like you’re in a pleasant early spring mountainous area with lots of trees, plants, and water. And if you’re in a desert, or really anywhere in Nevada, I don’t think you’re going to feel any humidity.
I like the bit about your family and the memory. However, I’m thinking a thug in Boston isn’t going to know the word “emigrate.” In fact, a real Boston thug might say, “A wah is comin’. Go west and get the money from the mines.” And “honest snake oil saleswoman?” How is that even a thing? If you were honest, I assume you’d have stayed in Boston and got a real job.
I like that you pointed out the irony, though. And I like that you smoothly fit in the background of the main character’s parents. I’m not sure how that sentence quickly jumped from internal thoughts to “something is wrong,” and the switch back to I is a little confusing. Actually, looking back, I now see that you switch back from “you” to “I” quite a number of times. If you’re going to use “I,” make the whole story first-person. In that case, the whole story is ONLY what the main character sees, hears, and smells. There is literally nothing outside that that you can mention. If you’re going to go with second person and “you,” then there are very few, if any, places that you will be able to say “I.”
In the next paragraph you mention working to get the wheel unstuck. And now there’s mud. I didn’t know there was mud because I thought it was dusty. I didn’t know you were stuck because in a previous section you mentioned that you were on the trail. So I just naturally assumed that you were removing. If the story starts out with you being stuck, I might start out at the beginning of this section a bit about actually getting stuck: this section might start out with the sudden thump or slamming of the wagon (are you in a wagon?) as it gets stuck. Then you could move into the internal dialogue that ends with you looking off into the distance and getting that feeling of something about to happen.
Is there someone else here? It sounds like there is not, it sounds like you are totally alone because you mention that you cannot release a caravan alone. However, unless you’re talking about a modern-day Dodge Caravan mini-van, a caravan is nearly always thought of as a whole bunch of wagons (or cars, or something else) traveling together in a line. Even just two wouldn’t really be a caravan. So if you just have one wagon, I’d use the word “wagon” instead of “caravan.” But then if you’re alone, why do you call out that you hear horses coming? That sounds like you’re talking to someone. I mean, if that’s the main character’s thing – they always talk out loud to themselves – that’s fine. But if that’s not an intentional character feature, it seems weird here.
I know you’re into accuracy. This doesn’t matter at all to me, but I did notice: Patterson actually only has one “t” when you’re talking about that specific gun. I like the imagery in the last bit there. You did get the hammer part right, too. But I do have to wonder what you’re taking cover from. I mean, I get that your sixth sense makes you think something is going to happen, but what if that thing is coming from behind? Then you’re on the wrong side of the wagon! I would think you’d need to see something moving or give some indication of direction with the horses coming before you could hide. Maybe even some little bit like, “You can hear horses come from ahead of you on the trail” – then it would make sense to hide behind the wagon.
Good luck with the story and I do hope this helps!
