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Hey all,

I haven't been really active for the last month or so until recently, but I am still wanting to finish my story for the contest on IS. This thread is to motivate me, and perhaps others in the contest. I am going to post the first page of my story and ask for feedback. Other contestants are welcome to do the same! 

Even though I am writing this story on IS (as was requested by Endmaster), any feedback will help me to improve my story and motivate me to finish it. My hope is to generate some hype for this, since it seems to be kind of forgotten... I might post more of my story as it comes out, if it proves to be an effective motivator and source of responses. 

As usual, feel free to be as honest as you want! 

First page of Hellen's Resurrection:

******
"This way, hurry!" you hiss as you snake your way through the overgrown trees around the old cemetery.

"I'm coming, calm down," Lamar responds in his usual lethargic tone. 

Both of you make your way out of the woods and onto the manicured lawn of the cemetery. Careful not to step on any graves, you lead the way around the edge of the field onto the main path. Tonight is the night you finally do it.

"What is the hurry? It's not like she is going anywhere, Alexander," Lamar says, panting behind you.

"You are the one who said that we should do it as soon as possible!" you whisper in a harsh tone that hurts your throat.

"I suggested that so her body doesn't get all gross! She isn't alive until after we do this, but five minutes won't make a difference..."

"I know, sorry. I just need this to go well."

"You can stop blaming yourself, you know."

"Let's keep going."

Your sister, Helen, is dead because of you, and resurrecting her is the only way to redeem yourself. Why can't Lamar understand that? He always understands you. It was even his idea to try this in the first place; you didn't know it was possible. Part of you isn't sure.

Making your way to her gravestone isn't difficult. Her funeral was earlier today, so you know the way. Still, standing six feet above her lifeless body and knowing what you are about to do makes your palms sweat.

"This place looks very different in the dark," Lamar comments.

"Yeah, it's creepy, so let's just do this and get out of here," you respond, growing annoyed.

"Do what exactly?"

You stare at him for a moment, watching his face to see if he cracks a smile. Nothing. He turns to you with a questioning look in his brown eyes. You sigh, realizing he forgot his idea.

******

Choices will be "Christian Revival," "Scientific Reanimation," and "Greek Mythological Resurrection."

I like it, curious with where it'll go. Good work establishing some characters and the reader's motivation quickly.

I do wonder about 'hissing' a sentence, obviously it ties in with you snaking across the ground, but it just reminds me of when people 'laugh' sentences and the like. Someone better versed in how to describe dialogue might be able to help out, but I imagine leaving it as is won't be a problem. Only three words anyway.

I will say to be careful with the scope, as seeing three different resurrection styles right away makes me a little worried, but I'm pretty sure classic scope creep won't be your undoing, aha.

Other than that, anything specific you are curious about in regards to feedback? I think the main thing is to just have it flow well into whatever page comes next, and it could always get modified at the end to better tie in with the whole story (if necessary of course).

Thank you for the feedback! The scope creep is a real challenge, and I have to decide how in depth I want to get and how to make branching/multiple endings within each choice.

I was looking for feedback on if it seemed interesting and had a good "hook". Basically, your first paragraph was a relief to read! If you have other general thoughts or suggestions, like a topic or idea you would like to see in the story, that would be helpful as well! My biggest concern was that these topics wouldn't be exciting to others, since I picked three obscure stories that I like to base this off of.

I feel like trash, I mean I worked hard on several projects to have something to present to the contest, but it is shit so I won't present anything to embarrass myself further. In, But I cheer for you.

I'm sorry you are feeling that way, Mara. I thought your Medusa story sounded interesting! The synopsis made it sound like you had a lot planned, and the first page made me want to know more. I hope you are able to take one of your ideas and expand it into a game for the contest! 

I have like a whole 5 pages now! Thinks have gotten a bit more serious than I intended... but I might actually finish! Thank you to whoever made this contest four months long.