Bad End Night

i went back and just went with the death scene to write this. haha.
i expected a story that takes after the song, but a story that actually adds more of its own little events, perhaps even a twist of sorts that would still have the general song turn out the same in terms of events with characters crafted from the vocaloids ( maybe even of your own ), but i guess i was wrong?

i should look at ratings from now on.

i agree with Turkeyasylum as to how you could have spread out the time between when each character is introduced. i'd also like to add you could have, like stated earlier, crafted characters out of the cast of the actual song. maybe even replace them with your own! if you have your own, that is.

replaying it all the way to the true end, according to the song, it also seemed to feel rather, short? in terms of writing. but looking at your profile, this is basically your first /published/ story. i can forgive that. and you did pretty much just take the lyrics and add a bit of your own words to it and all that. it was a nice touch.

overall, i highly believe you can do much better! haha.

I kind did not get it, needs better flow

Nice story! I really liked it.

Not bad. The punctuation seemed to all be in their places, and I saw little, to no mistakes.

The story seemed a little bit strange, but I guess being in a random place, at a random time has something to do with that.

Overall, a good effort. :) 4/8

Thanks for the free point.

One of the issues I encountered with the flow of this storygame was that the story was written in third-person point of view on the first page while the rest of the story was written in second-person. Another thing I encountered was that I found the amount of characters introduced at once when Kyla entered the mansion to be overwhelming. This could be fixed by spreading out when these characters are introduced in order to give the reader more time to get a grip of the characters' personalities.

Well I hope you like it! ;)