Blow Your House Down

***DISCLAIMER*** to the author, It should first be stated, that you should NOT take anything i say with a grain of salt. Everything i say i mean, and i mean it with my chest puffed out, so, take everything i say to heart. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

The first page does an excellent job introducing us to the world. We get a great overview of the story's antagonists and their impending collision with the protagonist. At the same time, other worldbuilding elements are presented, such as the protagonist's home situation with his wife. The wife is presented as cautious and careful, while the protagonist is painted as more nostalgic, carefree, and doubtful of his wife's caution. This contrast does a good job of adding to the differences in their personalities and worldviews.

The first page also effectively explains the surrounding area where the protagonist lives. All descriptions are seamlessly integrated into the story, further adding vividness and reality to the world. A good example of this is in the following paragraph:

"Dad never used the cabin much, since it wasn't near water or anything attractive; it was never a place on which you could base a family vacation. It was a retreat from civilization, not an attempt to reestablish Eden. The Bear's Den, as it has always been called, stands on a dead-end gravel road surrounded by state land; were it not for your property and about half a dozen other camps of a similar vintage, the state would probably close the road and add the area to the Ridgerock Mountain Wilderness. It is small, furnished as if from a flea market, and perpetually at risk of being besieged by mice. But when his father died, Dad began to take a more sentimental interest in the place. And when he passed a few years ago, ownership fell to you."

My only nitpick with the first page is that so much is described worldbuilding-wise that I'm afraid not all of it will sink in. There are a lot of places talked about. It is also written in second person, which is fine, but part of me feels like I'd probably prefer first person for immersion purposes, but that's just my personal preference.

I don't trust a man with mutton chop sideburns.

More the Volvo type lol

These two people at our metal tin cabin are ridiculously suspicious, keeping my eye on those two.

I mean, if I was in this situation, I don't think I'd be going out in the HURRICANE to jump-start their car. I'd just sleep with one eye open till it passes, not worth either of us dying. In page two, you do an excellent job of building tension between the protagonist and our newly introduced side characters. They're not discreetly and openly shown to be good people; there's something suspicious about them, and you show that tension brilliantly. It leaves the reader wanting to read more to find out if they might be bad or trying to get money off of us, etc.

This Charlene is very rude, just getting up and searching for food, IN OUR HOME! How dare she, so rude. At least ask.

""Al, your fire is going out." This comes from Gordy, still sitting contentedly in your chair. "You might want to put more wood on it.""

Lol, a great way to covertly show how rude and entitled they are.

"But instead of opening his beer bottle, he examines the keys that are attached to it. "Wow, thanks! I should take that truck of yours for a spin!""

What the actual fuck?

Hmmm, I'm starting to wonder, do we have a gun anywhere?

""Al, settle down," Gordy says after finishing his first swig from the new bottle. "No need to raise your voice. Show a little respect to my wife, if you don't mind."

Eekk, yeah, I hope we're strapped.

This bitch can take a piss by herself, we're not daddying her, she's a grown woman. We're keeping an eye on her suspicious husband.

Oh fuck, he pulled a gun out at us. Damn, I died. Let's restart. Let's go upstairs with Charlei this time, see how it changes the narrative.

Damn, she makes it look like we were trying to rape her in this route lol, reached another death scene. Time to go back even further. Seems like we have to follow her out the backdoor.

Damn, she straight up snitches, but since I've died in the other routes, I know she's in on it, so he must know she's snitched.

"what with those pencil-thin arms and slightly crooked glasses."

Hmmm, your arm size doesn't matter if you got a gunnn.

"This reminds you of one of the reasons why you don't have much use for churches: you and Heather were married in one years ago, but the ceremony did nothing to inoculate you against moments like this. It's as if women don't understand how visually stimulated the male libido is; just at the sight of her, your imagination is involuntarily stuck on not just what the thin cotton sundress exposes, but also on what it barely conceals."

Damn, we're thirsting 0_0 Let's hope it doesn't get us killed like an idiot. This is actually a really cool and surprising story idea. I was expecting just to have to survive the harshness of the weather, and not have it be a survival story against some nutjobs as well. Nah, we need to leave, we can't beat them if they have a gun and we literally don't, too risky. So I'll choose the leave option. Why do we not have a gun when we're in the middle of nowhere?

Hmm, I think we'll go to Griffin's first. Damn, we got killed by the storm, rippp. Oh, for fuck's sake, we can't seem to escape this psycho guy "look for my wife" I'm fuckin dead again, aren't I? Damn, I died in this route too?!?! Damn, this game is hard.

Why is the story difficulty a ⅜? I'VE DIED IN LITERALLY EVERY ROUTE I'VE TAKEN SO FAR. This story is a 6/8 a ⅝ at the slowest.

Okay, we'll go back and choose to stay with Charlei.

"Heather, forgive me! It is a silent plea for salvation, for an intervention to spare you gracefully from what all this seems to be pointing to. The problem is, you realize, that on some basic level you're enjoying this: the attention, the flirting, the incidental contacts, Charlei's surprisingly pleasing form."

Tut tut, if only our wife knew.

One thing about this story so far is its notable difficulty, but it's difficult in a way that is poignant and realistic. It doesn't feel like the protagonist is making the wrong decisions by escaping or choosing to go to the Coopers instead of Griffins. Yet it still leads to realistic death scenes which add to the reality of the story but also raise the stakes of our decisions since I really can't predict what will lead to what like I may be able to with others.

Characterization is spun brilliantly, especially among the antagonists. The difference in personality between Charlei and her husband and their ways of tormenting are vividly portrayed in uniquely distinctive ways. Charlei enjoys the buildup and the teasing to the murder or "snaring them in her trap," and her husband prefers the gritty act of death and murder itself. They each play unique roles, which brings the characters' dynamic to life.

The strongest point of this story is not the setting, is not even the characters or worldbuilding; this could still have worked without there being a storm, or it being in a separate place. What really makes it work is the dialogue. The dialogue is some of the best I've read in any story on CYS. It's engaging, it feels like real people, it doesn't feel like a caricature of real people, it's seamless in transition between scenes. It's done amazingly well and could have only been possible while spending great attention to small details. Kudos.

"The absence of human voices, perhaps combined with the presence of beer and cinnamon-flavored whisky in your system, is soothing, even sleep-inducing. Your eyes close, maybe for a minute, maybe for two minutes, it's hard to say. But when the truck begins to rattle you pop back into consciousness."

Such a great line, does a good job capturing the 'little moments' in a story which make them feel alive.

Wow okay, well, we killed Gordy and Charlei, I was thinking throwing the lantern would kill me. I think I'll leave my reader POV review here and now talk about the story from an overview perspective.

Overview:

Blow Your House Down has many strengths as a story. I think from an objective standpoint, it's one of the most clean and high-quality stories on the site that I've read. Structure and SPAG are pretty much immaculate as far as I can tell. Characterization and worldbuilding are also top-tier; each character has their unique quirks, preferences, and character voices which are distinctly and clearly defined.

This isn't a predictable storygame; I'd say the ⅜ difficulty rating is a severe understatement. There wasn't one occasion where I felt like I made an easy choice where I was sure it would work out. This leads strongly into the story's favor since it does function as a survival story against some psychos. It feels real, like you're actually there, since in real life, who knows if me throwing the fuckin lantern would work or not, or if me going to Coopers or Griffins would be better. It's a true mystery, and I can't say the protagonist ever seems dumb for having any of the options available to him. Everything he did seems reasonable even if it doesn't work out. At the same time, this also makes Charlei and Gordy even better antagonists; they were beating us even when we were not necessarily messing up. They were intimidating and scary. Truly top quality in that area, kudos.

My favorite part of this story, however, is the dialogue. The story is super dialogue-heavy, and yet despite it, carried it well and effectively. Everything felt like a real conversation, like that would actually be the way it goes. So much attention to detail was done here it shouldn't be overlooked or understated. Every second-by-second word, interaction, and conversation throughout every page flowed, with no weird breaks, with no weird jumps, with no abruptness. That's a true achievement in writing, so kudos.

For people that are into a high-stakes, intense, on-the-edge storygame where your decisions are always hard to make and even harder to know, I'd say this story is a definite recommend. I'll give this story a 7/8. I think the only thing stopping it from being an 8 for me is simply the concept; it's rather contained and a 'small' story within a much bigger world, and due to this, there's a limit or restriction on the depth of the story. Overall 7/8 and a definite recommend.

Wow. Just wow. I have read one other novel written by Bill Ingersoll, called “Eyes on a Moon of Blindness” which I have to remember to review later on, and one thing I have seen in both of them is the consistent quality writing and the flaw, in my opinion, of some of the endings being a bit too... open-ended. While I can understand why it was done so for "Eyes on a Moon of Blindness", in here it can make the feeling of tension and thrill to dissipate with frustration and curiosity taking over.

As per usual, in the abysmal number of reviews I've written on this site, the starting section would be a short story summary, but since I can't really do that without delving too deep in the details, the story description you can read prior to playing this storygame shall suffice along with a hint: Take the lyrics at the starting page seriously.

*Note: I am neither a writer nor someone who has experience with writing reviews around here, so bare with me here. The feedback below is given from a reader's perspective, though it might read more as a long rambling rather than a detailed feedback. It's being written fresh off of playing and replaying the story to reach as many endings as possible (there are 24 endings, so I haven't reached them all), to make this a fair review.
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When I first read the description it reminded me of the episode from the Blacklist, where Elizabeth found herself turning the situation from being prey to being the hunter, in order to survive. And it didn't disappoint, the encounter between the main character, Al and the deranged couple was the same. The reader can't help, but think how fishy and dangerous the situation is.

I love how the upcoming hurricane was used to create a sense of foreboding and foreshadowing the upcoming storm that was to hit the husband who felt sneaking out without telling his wife was a good idea, showing the same level of stupidity and naiveness as any horror/thriller story protagonist would.

But that's not all. The whole time, the descriptions used for the nature/scenery, weren't only painting a vivid image in the reader's head, but also creating a cinematic atmosphere, immersing the reader even further. Suspicion, annoyance, tension, apprehensiveness, helplessness, agressiveness born of survival instinct. Everything and more, was what the protagonist and by extension the reader is made to feel.

As for the characters, the normal one is Al of course but the most interesting one, in an unhinged way, is one of the villains, aka the woman, Charlei (weird name, might be an alias). Now, the couple seem to be a bunch of criminal-turned hippies on the run, who might have started out and still continue to think of "rebelling against the evil society", probably escaped from an abusive past (that disturbing comment about the pedo priest in one of the routes might be a clue) and are probably even serial killers.

What makes the woman interesting as a villain is the crazy fact where she makes Al and even the reader who knows this guys are dangerous, that she is the lesser of the two evils while she's akin to a black widow spider who weaves the trap carefully before ultimately finishing it's prey, by sending her Gordo to do the dirty job. She enjoys the thrill of manipulating prey, using the art of seduction to make them feel safe before their demise. Another character who needs a character study essay of their own.

Now there are two branches for poor Al to go about this, with two main branches, while the routes are more about how the game "evolves", either smartly or head-on confrontation, which either way, will end either with Al dead (game over) or Al alive with the couple's fate being unknown. The ending I enjoyed the most was the Bob hurricane helping Al out of this pesky situation.

Finally, I'll mention the formatting which is simple yet enjoyable as it contributes to the whole "reading a novel" sensation. What I don't quite understand is why the Y letter (image) for the first sentence was positioned in the center of the page. It might be a bug or to create the image of the upper portion of the hurricane (farfetched hypothesis).

Anyway, this was an overall awesome read with a good amount of content for replays. Rating 7/8 because I don't like it when the story ending is left open-ended.

Blow your house down.

Warning: this review will contain spoilers to the story.

General notes: Starts off as very mundane, but relatable. Plenty of married couples have that husband who just wants to get away to go fishing and hang with the guys. It’s made apparent in a manner that is neither subtle nor overstated, what I like to refer to as Goldilocks storytelling, that the main character’s wife and himself have opposing viewpoints on the cabin. While he has fond memories and familial ties to the area, his wife sees it as unnecessary and unpleasant. This is a realistic portrayal of marriage, showing contention on this issue and foreshadowing Hurricane Bob’s impact on the story, while not allowing it to overtake the narrative. I see too many y stories where the husband is off to do something questionable with little to no explanation and the spouse acts like someone out of a 1950s sitcom. This early use of a plot device and supporting character also provides a believable, realistic explanation for why the protagonist is at a cabin with no cell service in the middle of a storm. After all, is it really an issue, or is it just his wife making it one? The weatherman is obviously giving a different story than his wife is, and only one of them is impartial after all.

The setting is then set. Spooky cabin, no contact with the outside world, dark and stormy night. Only it’s not even spooky to the protagonist, as the cabin has been in his family for three generations, and nothing bad has ever happened. The interaction between the protagonist and the gas station attendant only serves to establish that this is in fact a familiar situation, and the narration framing the scenario in a resigned manner, rather than an ominous one, puts the reader at ease for a night of settling next to a hot stove with a beer and newspaper.

Then, we are introduced to Gordy and Charlei. It’s made immediately apparent that these two are definitely suspicious, but they are also portrayed as harmless stereotypes (Charlei being preppy and joking, Gordy being a hipster), so that while it is clear that there is something off about them, the reader is still, at this time, not under the impression that they are in any danger.

After all, they are in the secluded cabin of a relative stranger, with no cell service, while a storm rages outside. Is it really so hard to believe they may not want to share their personal details or the location of their vehicle?

But as the story progresses, your interactions with them become increasingly disturbing.

If allowed to stay then at first, they’re just being incredibly rude and invasive. While it is certainly infuriating, it doesn’t scream danger. It’s not until Charlei attempts to get you alone and drop the bombshell about her husband that you begin to get a very real sense of being hunted, with a woman who is clearly not in her right mind, and this is where the story started to confuse me.

Now, I’m the type of person where if I’m at a cabin in the middle of the woods, there’s gonna be firearms there. Why the protagonist would ride off with a stranger in the middle of the night and leave another stranger on his family’s property when he could just force them to leave makes no sense to me. Granted, he doesn’t know what Gordy is carrying, but that’s kind of the point. This play through does do an excellent job in highlighting the fact that he is in fact being messed with and does a fantastic job of building suspense by slowly but steadily increasingly revealing the mental instability of his new guests. However, it requires a certain suspension of common sense.

The route with the jumper cables though… THAT has suspense.

What makes Charlei compelling as a character, however, is that she is clearly capable of switching up her personality at a whim. This leads to a general sense of not being able to get your bearings, and you go through the entire story not entirely sure what you are to do next. By the end of it, however, it’s clear that despite her husband being the one who puts the final nail into the coffin, she is clearly the more dangerous of the two, being able to manipulate their victims for the sake of entertainment, and it’s implied that she clearly has a leash on Gordy as well, from how she’s able to antagonize him and make him wait until after she gets what she wants. Not to mention how when he’s hurt or in distress, he immediately calls for her.
It was an interesting twist, as usually when it comes to serial killer couples, it is the man who is in control and the female who is meekly following, a stereotype that Charlei gleefully utilizes in order to manipulate the protagonist. Eventually, it’s shown that Charlei is clearly the brains of the outfit. The ending where you are trapped in the woods while she has a shotgun is honestly the most terrifying. I literally yelled at my phone “SHOOT THE DUMB BITCH!”



Presentation: The font is small, and can be a little difficult to read for people with bad eyesight. This is an individual issue, however, and does not affect the story itself.

The images, on the other hand, are beautiful and detailed, and work with the details in the story to establish a firm picture in the mind of the reader. I read through most paths and didn’t find a single punctuation error or misspelling. This could honestly have been a published novel.

Closing statement: This was a fantastic entry, and served as a perfect example of a psychological thriller. The serenity in the beginning, building from discomfort, to concern, to genuine fear, was written perfectly. 8/8

More fun than homework, which I was procrastinating by playing this game. Very interesting.

Oh my goodness! This story/game is so fun! I enjoyed playing it. The only thing that I would suggest is more character development.

I got the "Bob" ending. I haven't gotten any of the others yet, but I think this one has got to be my favorite. It's super cinematic, definitely came straight out of a movie.

Very well done! Creepy and immersive!

Spoilers ahead! I really enjoyed this story. I really appreciate the extremely well-polished feel of the story with impeccable grammar and writing; it definitely reads like a final draft. I love how your writing descriptions enhance the mood, e.g., "the saw feels feral in your hands", "twin moons punching through the trees like parallel searchlights", and my favorite "Christ, everything is out of joint tonight, with both man and nature deviating from their lanes." There are some great lines throughout this work. (I loved the philosophical musings about the honey trap, and its function as a hint.)

Some things that did not groove for me about this story are the following. On page (29) or (27), Al mentions something about not allowing "these two murderous lunatics to run free." However, in this thread it seems to me that although Al has suspicions that both the Gordy and Charlei are not what they appear, he so far only has evidence that Gordy is a murderous lunatic; thus, the above remark seems an out-of-place carry-over from other threads.

Second, I don't find Al's niceness believable in all of the threads; maybe it is just me but there were times where I was ready to run Gordy over in the truck, but instead Al let Gordy climb into the passenger seat. To me, it seemed that there were times in the story where the niceness of Al and the survival response of Al showed up in the story in a somewhat contradictory manner. Related, in the thread where Al throws the kerosene lantern at Gordy, afterwards the ensuing conversation between Al, Charlei, and Gordy reads too calmly for what has just taken place. Why is Al not running out of there?!

Third, stemming from two of the main branches is the thread where Charlei and Al "escape" to the trailer, Charlei tries to "seduce" Al, and Gordy walks in. I appreciate the different dialogue going into both of these, but I was a bit bored by the repetitive plot line. Though I recognize this may be a fault of the reader reading too many threads rather than the writer.

Lastly, I was initially annoyed by the lack of conclusion when Charlei and Gordy escape (in the thread where Al gets rescued by the park ranger); how did they make their way past the fallen trees? And, why in the world did Charlei jump in the river after her hubby to join him bobbing down the Honndega? More satisfaction came with "sometimes things happen that have no explanation, Al. What do you make of that?" My personal theory is that they are two devils conjured up from the storm intent on tormenting Al.

Thanks for writing making your story available; it was an enjoyable read!

I got the ending waiting things out in the school bus. I don't know if the main character will even survive unless he can get back to the cabin on his own, and it might be a long time till anyone finds him. It's such a good way to do an ambiguous ending that stick with you that I almost feel like going back to find a win will be a letdown.

Tremendous. Despite Bill arriving to the site with several galaxy-sized SciFi stories, I'm really enjoying his modern stuff. This and Woban Island are by far my favorites.

Knowing a little about Bill, his expertise and personal taste shows through stories such as this. The setting, a place that he obviously knows a great deal about. The style, weaved with Pearl Jam lyrics, beer drinking, and disapproving looks at the youth -- one of Bill's favorite pastimes...kidding. The seamless way that these relatable and recognizable details are placed in the story is incredible. So immersive. The conversation flows naturally, and you get a sense of the upcoming doom (whether from the strangers or Bob), your survival instinct getting its workout for the day. All in all, great story and great contribution to the site, not that that's surprising in the least.