Carrion- Chapter 1: A Hard Start

Ever consider using paragraphs?

I have to admit, I skimmed the story. I barely remember the plot. The capitalization issues are practically frightening. Try harder next time.

Urgh. Take this down please. It's like some stream of consciousness shit you scribbled down while drunk. Maybe you could turn it into a real story with some time and effort but right now it's a rushed, unreadable mess.

In the future please don't waste everyone's time with a story you didn't even care enough about to clean up.

You're even turning Seto bitter, yikes.

Dear god...I'm going to go back and write a better review for this later...but for now, all I can say is that from the first page I didn't even want to read this.
It wasn't even the obnoxious praise from your alt, but the wall of text that greeted me and the fact that you obviously have not had a capitalization lesson.
I would suggest taking this down, giving it paragraphs...and I don't know. Maybe capitalize the first word in every sentence, like a normal writer?
Other than that..please do not make separate chapters unless
1) Each chapter can be playable as a standalone.
Or
2) Each chapter is AT LEAST 5/8 in length.